I thought the letter and response were ok, bearing in mind neither party know that much about adoption. Never read the comments! I heard one of the Guardian columnists refer to commenters as Keyboard Bandits.
I would have written that our children often need firm boundaries, can’t handle excitement, choices or new things, need to control absolutely everything and may have emotional ages well below their chronological age.
And that we often have to parent them therapeutically, which means we can’t rely on traditional parenting techniques or advice.
We often do all this whilst dealing with frequent meltdowns, tantrums and violence or walking on eggshells to avoid those things.
We are often judged for this by teachers, classmates’ parents, extended family and others who know us who think our parenting is the cause of our children’s behaviour, not a response to their needs.
We often do all this without much of a support network because our children can’t handle play dates, we can’t maintain adult friendships because we can’t use babysitters and because we’ve chosen, to protect our children’s privacy, not to share their background/status. I’d add the professionals who are supposed to help us often know less than we do and say things like ‘children are resilient’ or ‘but he won’t remember’.
And then I’d add that unless you know what you’re talking about you should limit your interference to asking me if everything’s alright/handing me wine/giving me a hug.
And that’s on a good day. God only knows what I’d write on a shit one.
The letter is redacted so it is difficult to know, but from what has been described the child is extremely unhappy and not getting their needs met so the advice to intervene in stages sounds sensible.
Your post on attachment took me by surprise as it sounds like a different situation from the letter. But it is stressful when we wonder how others see our parenting, when we know we are dealing with a difficult situation.
You’re right, the letter’s redacted, so we don’t know. But I’m certain that trauma which predates the adoption is a more likely contributory factor to the unhappiness than losses relating to IVF, for example...
Totally agree with you fatberg. That letter could've been written by any number of my family when my AD was younger. Not a clue did people have about her trauma, needs, inability to cope with a lot of stimulation. Her need for very firm boundaries with no wiggle room, her lack of impulse control.
People can be hugely judgemental. And that kind of attitude can be crushing when you are doing battle each and every day.