Talk

Advanced search

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Unofficial Guide, & BC feeling put off

(13 Posts)
Number1SonMum Mon 06-Nov-17 22:33:28

Hi
Thought I might as well ask. We have home visit soon. Ds is nearly 7 (BC). Many years of failed trying and some losses. One he knows of, ectopic because I could have died was in hospital etc. He's been asking for a sibling since 2. I honestly feel like if an A.C. is likely to hurt my BC more than normal sibling relationship. I think it would really upset my son.

Is this a normal feeling or worry? We have been thinking about adoption for years. If it was just us it would be different but obviously it's not. My son has some additional needs. He's very resilient according to his school and well attached. Has been subject to some bullying at school (is more comfortable with adults than kids in some ways). Not having had a sib he's not had to deal with lots of the meanness kids inflict on one another and doesn't really like it. Appropriate I think!
Thanks xx

Number1SonMum Mon 06-Nov-17 23:01:02

Hi me again. Would the A.C. always compare themselves to the BC. My son has had fairly sheltered life. I am sure there would be people who had dealt with it but I wouldn't want an A.C. to feel less than because they are not the BC if that makes sense sad
Thank you

JustHappy3 Tue 07-Nov-17 12:31:25

Firstly just to say take your son's desire for a sibling out of the equation. My ds (similar age now) used to break my heart around 3 asking for a brother - until i read a book that said their desire is very different to yours. So the next time it came up i was like "brother or a lego millennium falcon" and the lego won in an instant. Then later when he was 5 he was in bits that everyone in school had a sibling photo when the school photographer came but not him. He has no memory of this now.
Secondly you can't keep your kid completely safe. That said - having a sibling will bring a lot of joy. But a traumatised child will need attention and will lessen the attention your ds gets. I wish i'd ruthlessly planned a little more for that along the way - it took me nearly a year to properly get to grips with doing homework. (Cos ad needs 1:1 attention all the time and sitting down at 7 30pm to start maths etc was rubbish for both me and ds - there were a lot of tears)
It's hard but it's joyous.

thomassmuggit Tue 07-Nov-17 21:51:44

Yes, an AC is more likely to hurt you BC than an second birth child would. The AC will bring all their trauma, and the drama with that, into your home, and it will affect your BC for the rest of their lives.

But, so would having a BC with special needs.

Adopted children all have 'special needs', they all, in some way, have suffered huge loss, and that affects them deeply. Many will have been exposed to drugs or alcohol, or both, and that makes them special, and needy. By adopting, you're choosing this for your family, this difficult path. With a birth child, you're throwing the dice.

I think a lot depends on whether a birth child is possible. Whether you have really really given up on that plan, as you can't apply to adopt and still be trying.

If adopting a sibling is your child's only chance for a sibling, and you want another child, and you want that child through adoption... well, then it can be a wonderful and beautiful thing!

My BC and AC have an amazing bond, and it really is beautiful. But AC does hurt BC, and BC does make sacrifices. BC is also empathetic, compassionate, and is learning many skills and traits that many adults lack. AC is a blessing on our lives.

Number1SonMum Wed 08-Nov-17 19:44:55

Hi in theory we could have a child with ds or de but as a lot of failed ivf have not worked would rather adopt or at least try and see if we can. I am not presuming we would be accepted.
We have been put off before by things they said re when we would need to tell our ds but have corrected it now and seen to have improved a lot recently.

Thomassmuggit what age gap do you have if you don't mind me asking?
We have always thought it's about a good fit with the A.C. not their age. I think my dh preferred a younger child because maybe you could help more in their early years. I preferred a child age 3+ so you know more about the child and needs etc. What can be known.
Thanks

hidinginthenightgarden Wed 08-Nov-17 20:26:43

I have a birth son and ADD. 3 years between them and they are like any other sibling group you would ever see. Yes DD does sometimes hit DS. She is 2 so hard to say what is adoption related and what is her being a 2 yr old and to be honest he sometimes treats her just as rough!
From my point of view, neither know there is a difference. They are just siblings. DS has never said "this is my adopted sister". He just says "sister" and he bloody adores her!
I know birth siblings where one of them has been terribly violent towards the other (My sister was towards me in fact) so have never considered this issue when adopting and DS is a very sensitive boy. It makes him a better brother.

thomassmuggit Wed 08-Nov-17 21:04:25

Six years between mine.

The violence is more than usual sibling stuff.

Many issues also don't come out until the teens. With mine, my BC will be nearly independent by AC hitting teens, which I'm grateful for in terms of protecting BC.

Number1SonMum Fri 10-Nov-17 21:24:40

Thank you. It sounds like it's different for different siblings, obviously.... I do feel like yes it's a good idea and then no it's not...
But not sure if that's to protect myself in case they say no. Thank you xx

Sunshinelollipopsandheavyrain Fri 10-Nov-17 21:36:11

I couldn't possibly give you the reassurance you want as every child and every relationship will be different. My AC hurts my BC. Some days it's awful, my BC is crying because she's been hurt, and my AC is crying because she doesn't get it. But even though they're young, my BC understands it's not her fault. My AC doesn't understand that she didn't live in my tummy too, but I don't think she's envious in any way (probably as they both tell me my tummy is yuck! Thanks cake for that!) At times it is incredibly hard. At times I hate myself for selfishly having another child that has come along and altered all our lives. Then the rest of the time I see the empathy my BC has, the patience and the understanding. My AC worships the ground her sister walks on. They laugh, they play and they hug each other when the other is sad. I don't know what the future holds but I wouldn't have it any other way! In fact, I'd absolutely love another ;)

Number1SonMum Sat 11-Nov-17 07:54:39

Thank you so much. That was helpful. I was kinda feeling like adopted kids are better off in families without BC. We do gentle parenting which sounds similar to therapeutic parenting but maybe less reflection. Its always good to learn new ways to do things. Thank you

CompletelyUnknown Sat 11-Nov-17 22:52:59

My DH DS who is 8 absolutely adores our ADD who is 1 and vice versa. They’re children and you need to accept it as that. Yes there is potential trauma with AC but there is also the unknown with BC. A happy family that loves each other is all you can hope for. Look at the positives. Good luck.

OlennasWimple Fri 17-Nov-17 02:36:26

We have a birth child and an adopted child and they adore each other. They also fight, sometimes regular sibling stuff, sometimes it's more than that. I agree with the pp that says that the violence goes beyond regular sibling spats.

Our birth child is definitely happier for having a sibling, but put it this way, we are considering sending him to boarding school so that he can thrive without the negativity that our adopted child brings to the family and so that we have more time to devote to her. (Therapeutic parenting is incredibly time consuming)

Number1SonMum Tue 21-Nov-17 16:23:16

Hi olennas. That sounds really tough.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now