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Not giving info?

(22 Posts)
OurMiracle1106 Mon 06-Nov-17 17:37:29

Social worker has emailed today to ask if they can disclose that I am term time only
As it “will help with letterbox timescales”. I’ve said I don’t feel comfortable with this as I feel it could be too identifying and they already have a lot of info on myself.

I’m also mindful that I don’t wish to make a decision I may regret as I am currently feeling rather vunerable. I’m due to go in for surgery this week (not something I’ve shared as it’s not a generic issue) and feel my mind is on other things and I need more time to think.

However the social worker is becoming increasingly pushy about sharing this info
with them.

As adopters would you feel you “needed”
This information in order to reschedule letterbox (their request) or is it doesn’t work for me due to work schedule enough?

Ted27 Mon 06-Nov-17 19:03:54

To be honest I might have a guess, if the dates being proposed were clearly in school holiday periods.

Are you sure it would be identifying. I know lots of term time workers, from the obvious teachers, TAs etc to the not so obvious civil servants, people working for charities. I work part time, but not term time, but my busiest times are within school terms, but you would have to know my specific job to know that.

But no personally I don't think I would insist on knowing the ins and outs of your work schedule.

bostonkremekrazy Mon 06-Nov-17 22:15:10

As an adopter I wouldnt need to know your work schedule no.
If you said x month is too busy for me, then thats questions asked.

Equally though, knowing you worked term time only, would give me no clue to your job....I have no idea what you do!

If you dont want them to know, say no. Ask the SW to stop pushing.

Sorry this is still not sorted for you have 2 months that would work that you could propose to them?

Kr1st1na Mon 06-Nov-17 22:34:59

I agree it’s irrelevant info and they don’t need to know.

I’d feel the same if they pushed adopters to disclose this information.

Have they given you a “ good reason “ why they want to reschedule letter box ? If not, I don’t see why you need one to say “ that’s not suitable “ and suggest other dates.

Sorry to hear about your Operation, hope everything goes smoothly.

flapjackfairy Mon 06-Nov-17 22:35:10

I agree you shouldnt share any info you are uncomfortable with. That works both ways as you well know so i think the sw should stop pressuring you . It isnt fair on you at all.

OurMiracle1106 Mon 06-Nov-17 22:35:11

I’ve proposed October and March or January and July but they have said they want to stick with September,

It feels very much like it just needs to be a phone conversation of x and y don’t work for me. A and b don’t for them but z and k work for all of us. Rather than social worker trying to relay messages.

OurMiracle1106 Mon 06-Nov-17 22:39:41

They want to reschedule as August is a busy period for them which I understand as it’s school holidays.

I also feel they have almost made the decision already as they didn’t write until mid September where as contact Had been due by beginning of August.

bostonkremekrazy Mon 06-Nov-17 23:34:39

i think you are right Miracle...they have probably made the decision already.
If they can't do it in August - busy, they may go away , visit grandparents, friends etc....then they have just pushed it to September for when they are back to school and normal routine.
It sucks for you as you are back to work too, and this means your head is filled with work etc, and you'd rather be clearer to do letterbox, and you need the time to go to SS office,
BUT you may need to just suck it up so you actually get the letter. This year you were very worried as it was late and that caused you stress, and the concern you may not actually get it.

Could you agree to a september letter, with you writing your reply in october - and use the half term week to do so?

OurMiracle1106 Tue 07-Nov-17 08:03:54

The issue would be I can’t actually get time off in September, I only get school holidays and my summer contact is the one with which photos are sent for me to view as I’m not allowed to keep them, so I would actually need time to go into the office and that’s just not possible.

So my earliest opportunity to collect would be October half term, I would then of course write back but realistically it wouldn’t be until end of October (towards end of half term)

The only way in which September could work would be if they were to agree to me keeping the photos but they have been very clear that they don’t wish for this to happen.

Kr1st1na Tue 07-Nov-17 21:14:49

Could the SW visit you at home and bring the photos for you to view ? Do they understand that its a problem from you to get time off work to visit their office ?

Do SS feel you or someone you associate with are a risk to the child? If not, would SS ask the adoptive parents to reconsider you keeping the photos ?

You could offer to sign an agreement that you wouldn’t place them on any social media etc

IIRC you agreed to the adoption plan and have been nothing but supportive of the adoptive placement . I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to ask about keeping them.

thomassmuggit Tue 07-Nov-17 21:28:57

Forgive me if I've missed it, but could you ask for October contact, so that you can go in over half term? I can understand that August may not work with a school age child.

I don't think you need to give any info other than 'September doesn't work for me.' However, the less info you give, the less understanding they can be. Working term time only doesn't tell me what you do at all, loads of people work term time only! If your son's parents understand why you need it to not be September, they may empathise more.

I hope you can negotiate this. It really is one of those occasions where it's easier to just have a chat, but the situation doesn't allow that, and instead you have SWs in the way.

OurMiracle1106 Tue 07-Nov-17 22:11:39

I asked 18 months ago to keep the photos. The response was a no. There is no risk from me. I would never do anything that would undermine my sons well being and stability (such as trying to find him).

However, the social worker has said they are highly protective and very closed off as a family and don’t respond to social worker outside of contact times in regards to queries.

I have proposed October but they’ve said no. Only thing I can think is they write in September as they want to but with the understanding they won’t receive a reply for 6 or so weeks, however my concern is that when our son is older and involved this may not work.

Unfortunately I don’t get home until after social worker finishes. (I actually live Close by) so a home visit would make no difference


thomassmuggit Tue 07-Nov-17 22:16:37

I suppose you have to just assume (hope) they're picking the date that best fits your son.

Would your employer allow you to take a morning of unpaid leave in September for 'an important appointment'?

OurMiracle1106 Tue 07-Nov-17 23:23:19

My manager is amazing but my work load is crazy in September as I’ve 6 weeks of things to catch up on etc so taking time off would be impossible and to request special leave I would need an appointment letter which I would rather not explain to senior management ; my manager is fully aware of the situation.

As our son currently isn’t involved in contact I feel that the response may just have to be delayed if they insist on September and maybe rescheduled when our son is older/involved in contact

thomassmuggit Tue 07-Nov-17 23:30:32

Honestly, it sounds like they're doing September. It's about knowing what you can control, and what you can't, and if they've decided they will write in September, you'll get a letter in September. I know that's harsh, but being upset over that isn't going to help you keep contact with your son, and I know you are good at being pragmatic. So, in terms of your options, you can say 'you can write in September, but I cannot view it until October', which the parents may be ok with, and then they can expect a reply in November.

I would leave the future to the future- they may or may not involve your son in contact in the future, if that happens, things can be looked at again.

As you said above, it sounds like they've decided September, so it's working with that. You can't view the photo until October, which is a delay, but if contact is taking place every 6 months, it's not like you need to reply by first class post anyway. If you book to go in Monday of half term, you can get the reply sent a week later, meaning your reply is still there before Christmas madness. TBH, your reply may well just sit in a SS office for a week or so, anyway.

We changed our letterbox months without running it past the BPs, but that's because they haven't engaged at all. I also wouldn't reply to SWs outside contact now, we want to be free of them.

DuncanDonut Wed 08-Nov-17 09:07:27

I don’t understand the issue about your job being ‘identifying’ (I’ve seen elsewhere on mn what it is you do). The Adoptive parents know who you are anyway, and if they did know where you work all it would mean is that they’d make every effort to stay away! I’m surprised the sw hasn’t already told them you work term time - it’s really not a big deal. If you can be a bit more open about the perfectly ordinary reason why you’d prefer the letters to arrive in August you might find they’re more willing to accommodate this.

I hope your surgery goes well.

WyfOfBathe Wed 08-Nov-17 15:51:17

I don't think that saying you work term time only is very identifying. Almost everyone who works in a school (teachers, TAs, secretaries, receptionists, cooks, lunchtime supervisors, invigilators, cleaners, etc) work term time only. I also know people in completely unrelated fields inc an accountant and an HR manager who work term time only to fit in with their DC.

If you don't want to say, don't. You're entitled to privacy. It might make the AP more willing to adjust if they know there's a good reason you want to change. Otherwise, I think receieving the letter in September and replying in October might be the only solution.

OurMiracle1106 Thu 09-Nov-17 05:55:21

I’ve justified it with September is a very busy period for me work wise. ( not a lie) and getting time off is pretty much impossible until mid to late October.

I just don’t feel sharing my work schedule would benefit our son at current.

I would have responded sooner but yesterday was the day of my surgery and I’ve been heavily dosed up on morphine and local anaesthetic following the procedures.

ColourfulOrangex Thu 09-Nov-17 06:00:19

Hope the surgery went oki oP flowers

TunnelofLove485 Thu 09-Nov-17 18:37:47

No I think they have made up their minds and even if you did share your job role, they will stick with what they have decided. Just view the photos in October and write back then. I know you are fixated on letterbox and I appreciate it must be frustrating but honestly I think you need to enjoy the photos and letters and just get on with it for now. This could change so many times through the years after all.

“However, the social worker has said they are highly protective and very closed off as a family and don’t respond to social worker outside of contact times in regards to queries.” -
Why should they engage with social services?! They are trying to live their lives. I don’t send any photos and I make no apologies for that. I see nothing wrong with being protective, I think most people are. I think the fact they send any photos at all shows they aren’t too over protective!

Haffdonga Thu 09-Nov-17 19:39:30

OurMiracle I think your response was a really good compromise. Informative enough without sharing info you don't want to. flowers

PoppyStellar Thu 09-Nov-17 19:53:48

Hope your recovery from your op goes well ourmiracle flowers I think your response sounds a good one too

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