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Birth Dad seen around!!

(10 Posts)
Mollybird1 Thu 02-Nov-17 22:27:30

Hi. We adopted our baby boy in May. (I posted back then about wanting to change his name if anyone remembers me). We knew the birth family were local but were told they are no threat to us and to be honest never really worried about it too much. But this past month I've seen him at my birth daughters school. I'm guessing he may be seeing this mum and living with her at the moment. He walks the same way as me (think his currently living at the local council estate up the road to me). Only yesterday when I was walking to school with my daughter and ac in pram I had to slow down for him to walk on ahead of us. It's awful. I hate going to the school now. He seems to be there most days. Luckilly it's a big Sch so I go to the other side of the playground. Still nerve wracking tho never the less!! We have now changed our sons name, I think it's for the best. He still isn't legually ours, court hearing end of Nov. We haven't said anyhthing about this to social worker, we haven't said about the name change either, do you think we are doing the right thing? Has anybody else been in this situation before?

Jellycatspyjamas Fri 03-Nov-17 00:07:51

Is there any reason he would know you adopted the child? If your AC is in a lean im assuming they're quite little still and changing all the time so even if he caught a glimpse he'd be unlikely to recognise him?

What's your fear here, is there a reason to think he's a threat other than him appearing in the area. Does he have reason to be around the school for example?

When you say "are you doing the right thing?" what are you doing? Sounds like you're picking up and dropping off your child as usual? And name change is, I think a personal decision - folk here get quite divided on it but ultimately it's your choice.

highinthesky Fri 03-Nov-17 00:16:47

I can understand your anxiety here, but am a little surprised that the adoption was permitted so close to home.

I would keep the SW in the loop just in case, and come clean about the NC (she is now your child, after all). You say he’s not a risk but he’s also a complication you just don’t need.

TheWellOfLostPlots Fri 03-Nov-17 10:20:48

Hi molly I have experience of a similar situation.

There are a few things I'd consider. Have you met birth dad? If not then he will not know what his birth son's new parents look like so I think this minimises the risk considerably. When was the last time birth dad saw your LO? If it was a considerable time ago, and depending on the age of your child, there is probably a much smaller risk as they grow up and change very quickly. If last contact was very recent and / or your child has very distinguishing features or looks very different from you then this might be more of a risk.

I'm not sure that I would discuss either the name change or the sighting of birth dad with your SW as you are pre adoption order (I think?) but it really depends on your relationship with your SW and how helpful or not you think they would be. In my case, the situation arose a considerable amount of time post AO but it is a frightening and worrying thing to go through. Like you, I was told the BP in question presented no threat and I have no reason to believe otherwise but it still stressed me out considerably. I was able to talk to my SW who came to visit me and we talked through some ways to handle the situation in case of a worst case scenario unfolding (luckily it hasn't). Obviously you can't avoid going to school but I think you do right to take sensible precautions. I have modified some of the places I shop and visit since the first sighting.

It has got easier over time as my DC have got older and they have picked up more and more mannerisms of our family and I know that they don't physically resemble the BP in question a great deal but it is still a constant kind of low level worry in the background.

flowers for you because it's hard to deal with and I know it made me feel very unsettled.

Mollybird1 Fri 03-Nov-17 21:06:22

Thank you for your replies ladies. Nice to hear you know exactly how I feel TheWelOfLostPlots. The adoption order is later on this month so yes this is why we haven't said anything to sw as I know he can still be taken away from us , although I'm pretty certain that wouldn't happen. When I said , are we doing the right thing, I meant, not telling sw and changing his name.
I saw him again this afternoon, my daughter is always so happy to see LO and lifts his hood right back. I just can't wait to get out of the playground! The birth dad last saw him in March when he was 6 months old, he is now 1and I think he would definitely still recognise him, his just a bit bigger with a bit more hair. I have looked him up on fb and he regularly posts about him and puts up photos. I do feel so anxious at the school as he hangs around with these other 2 mums, (one who has a daughter in my daughters year). I have also started avoiding my local parade of shops as seen him walking along there too , luckily in my car. Hopefully he will 'move on' again soon as the sw's seemed to think he moves around a lot, wherever there's a spare sofa going.. until then I guess we're just have to sit tight and keep looking over my shoulder.

TheWellOfLostPlots Fri 03-Nov-17 21:37:02

That sounds really really hard for you. I don't know if there would be any benefit from talking to the school about this. I'm not sure there is a great deal they can do but would it be helpful for them to at least be aware? I'm not sure. I really hope he moves on soon. It sounds incredibly stressful.

I'd also avoid looking him up on Facebook unless you do it from a dummy account. I know privacy settings are meant to be watertight but it would be so easy for him to accidentally pop up on your 'people you may know' and vice versa as a result of some geographical algorithm and then that could alert him to your existence and whereabouts. I'm not meaning to be alarmist just have heard one too many tales of seemingly random people popping up on Facebook suggestions lists straight after they've been searched for.

On the other hand, there is something to be said for hiding in plain sight. If BD hasn't met you, and doesn't know what area BS has been placed in (and he shouldn't know this) then he won't necessarily be expecting to see him in the locality. Children change so much in the first year. A strategic change of hair if he has any, covering up with several layers (easy now winter is drawing in) etc can all help to drastically alter the look of a tiddler.

UnderTheNameOfSanders Sat 04-Nov-17 12:11:17

Is it 'known' that your baby is adopted? Or do most people just think he is yours by birth?

To be honest I'd not feel happy about the situation and would at least consider changing schools if this continues, it just seems too close for comfort.

I'm possibly influenced by the fact that my AD1 looks so similar to her BM. I'm just thinking what ifs - adoption known, celebrates a birthday, looks similar, birth father starts to wonder ...

wheresmycake Sat 04-Nov-17 12:22:11

Could you leave baby with someone for school pick ups , maybe a neighbour and say it's cos baby gets upset in crowds? Maybe drop older child off at the last minute in the mornings for a while or send her to before/ after school club or set up regular playdates to reduce chances if running into the birth parent?

CertainHalfDesertedStreets Sat 04-Nov-17 23:30:47

I wouldn't underestimate how anonymous a baby in a buggy is though.

I looked after a friend's ds for a few days last year and had her double buggy with my ds and hers in it for four days. People would greet me and chat away and then, if I mentioned the lo I was looking after, do a double take as they realised I had two toddlers in a mahoosive double Phil and teds number where they had assumed I just had ds. These were people I knew well.

People don't look at/into buggies.

Number1SonMum Mon 06-Nov-17 23:08:44

Hi can you talk to the school and ask to do drop off or pick up a bit earlier or later to avoid him. Or collect your daughter from a different place in the school? Sounds unsettling

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