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New half sister for my sons first daughter taken for adoption

(17 Posts)
SueL60 Wed 01-Nov-17 00:09:41

My Son nor his partner want to share the news of the arrival of their daughter with the adopter of his first child. Promises made by the adopter prior to an adoption order were broken. They see the news as being further interference in their life, difficult enough as it is currently, without having to share details of their new arrival and provide annual updates, when what they get in return is nowhere near what was promised. All of information will to the Adopter. No guarantee she will share. No guarantee she will not start demanding things in the future 'for her child'
There is no guarantee, SS or the adopted grandchild birth mother won't say anything to the adoptive mother.
What would you want from birth families who have siblings that came years after an adoption order, who are trying to rebuild lives destroyed by in our case a fiction. Would just the fact a sister was born be enough and leave it at that? Or would you want constant updates? What if the partner doesn't want to share either? I have been forbidden to mention anything. I have no intention of going against these wishes.
I have no intention of putting away photos of my first grand child and no intention of not telling my second grandchild she has a sister if she asks who the child in the photos are. I also have no worries about telling her the truth when she is old enough.
Wouldn't it be better just to let things lie until the adoptive child comes looking? I do not expect any agreement. But some guidance as to why my first grandchild should know but be unable to access contact until she is 18 independently. I cannot see the adopter on past experience allowing it before then

Rosieproject1 Wed 01-Nov-17 10:33:13

I wouldn't expect to hear about subsequent siblings who weren't placed for adoption. It would be nice for them to know one day in the future when they may potentially meet up with birth family.

TunnelofLove485 Wed 01-Nov-17 21:57:01

It makes no difference how you feel about the adoptive parents. Tell them about the baby or don’t, the only person you are really affecting is the adopted child and their knowledge of their birth family.

TunnelofLove485 Wed 01-Nov-17 21:59:02

To add, no adopter can make demands on birth parents or siblings! If you share the information via letterbox, it will be kept on record and the child will see one day that you did try to share the information.

Kr1st1na Thu 02-Nov-17 08:46:46

I don’t know any adopters who get annual updates on any biological relatives . Or who are able to “demand” anything from the biological family.

However if you intend to tell your “ second grandchild “ that she has a sibling, why would you want that information withheld from your “ first grandchild “? Is that fair on the child ?

Why do you assume that your “ first grandchild “ will come looking at 18? Many adoptees never search and very few do at 18. You seem to be planning for a future that is quite unlikely , that’s all about you getting a chance to “ put the facts right “ and “ say your piece “.

I can assure you that nothing is more off putting to any adoptee thinking about making contact with their biological family. I’m glad that my birth family didn’t act in that way.

I don’t wish to be unkind as you are obviously very angry and upset and feel you have been badly treated. . But you seem much more focussed on punishing the young woman who is now the mother of your “ first grandchild “ , who has done nothing wrong except adopt a child from the care system and give that child a better future than one in foster care.

Perhaps you might think less about punishing her and more about the welfare and best interests of your “ first grandchild “. Ask youself “ What will help her grow up happy and well, with an understanding of her biological family ? “.

The more you act in a difficult and intransigent way, the less that SS and the adoptive parent/s will have to do with you . And the worse you will look to the child when she is older.

I’m sorry, I know that’s hard to hear but I speak as an adoptee and I know many other adoptees feel the same.

thomassmuggit Thu 02-Nov-17 10:34:09

I think you've had a lot of responses on this before. What do you think is in the child's best interests? Do that.

Iamthestorm Thu 02-Nov-17 12:00:20

Congratulations on your new grandchild, I hope she brings you all much happiness.

As an adopter, I think I would like to know about the new baby and perhaps her name so that I could share this very basic information with my child. I would also be very grateful if similar basic information about my child was shared with the new sibling once they were older to give both children the opportunity to know about each other and perhaps seek contact with one another as adults in the future but would not have any expectation of this as I can imagine how difficult this could be.

I wouldn't expect regular updates as I would see it as an intrusion into the birth families lives.

I hope this grandchild brings peace and happiness to you and wish there was more support for birth families to deal with the devastation they are left to cope with.

TunnelofLove485 Thu 02-Nov-17 18:56:10

Kr1st1na thank you, I was too angry to word my response correctly to the OP but your response phrases it perfectly!

dinosaursandtea Fri 03-Nov-17 11:06:20

OP, I’ve seen you post about this elsewhere and it sounds like you’re carrying a lot of pain and anger. They aren’t doing you any good - your grandchild has a new family. She will be raised away from you, your son and the birth mother and she may not get back in contact when she’s older. I’m not telling you to forget her, but give the new parents the relevant information and let it go. Focus on the grandchild you currently have with you. Your first gc won’t want you to be in pain or eaten up with anger and neither do her parents - that doesn’t serve anyone.

SueL60 Fri 03-Nov-17 22:24:57

Knowledge of their birth family seems that is a waste of time in many cases if they don't ever go on to meet them. Why would adoptees want to meet their biological family if they are so awful? Like people assume we were/are.
To hope that she will come looking? well we gave up on that idea from the beginning. If she comes she will be met with open arms, but we are not holding our breath but perhaps better she doesn't as you said they don't want to hear the other side of the story.
I know a few people now who get letterbox. It seems the themes are similar, we get our noses rubbed in the fact they have our child and can make them happier than us. We did nothing wrong except trust the system wouldn't screw us over.
We have no expectations of her growing up with an understanding of her biological family apart from the fiction provided by social services. . As for looking worse, can't be much worse than the lies she will already be being told.
From what some of you are saying- it would be better for us to just walk away, forget about her, concentrate our own lives.
Her current parent and family group should have to be enough for her. Legally we are of no importance and I am sure the letters are a drag. It would at least give the adopter more time to spend on her own plans to wipe us from her adopted daughters future and protect her own.
I have a half brother, I have never met, I have no need to meet. My brother has no need to meet him either. We have each other. Perhaps this will be enough for her too. Perhaps our second grandchild who will be told the truth won't care either . Would be uncanny of she grew up to look like her sister, the protection given by no photos would be moot
I remember initially came here looking for reassurances, over time I realised so many of you were my worst nightmare

Italiangreyhound Sat 04-Nov-17 00:21:03

SueL60 it is my firm belief that the truth will out, and that age appropriate truth is better for kids. So I think you are totally right to tell your second grandchild about the first.

I can totally understand why your son and his wife/partner would not want to tell the adoptive couple about the new baby. However, in time I do feel it would be best for your son's first child to know about the existence of a half sibling by birth and vice versa.

It may well be it is easier for the adoptive family not to know about the existence of the child. But I do feel, in the very long run, that the truth is better for your son's first and second born.

You will not get to decide this so you will just need to support your son and his wife/partner.

One day your first grandchild may learn about the second, and it may well be better for them to have this knowledge. It really is, IMHO, about what is best for the children, but as I say you will not be able to have a say in passing this info on.

All best wishes.
thanks

flapjackfairy Sat 04-Nov-17 07:34:22

Hello suel.
I am an adoptor and foster carer and thought i would add a few thoughts. Feel free to disregard if unhelpful.
It must be a v sad and painful situation for any birth family to have lost their child via adoption and any adoptors or fc i know are v well aware of that and generally very sensitive to that fact. With the joy of a new child for one family comes the knowledge of the pain inflicted on another and it is a complex mix of emotions . I actually adopted my foster child last year and he was with me from a year old. My husband and I and indeed the soc worker all cried when the courts granted a placement order allowing him to be freed for adoption and we knew only too well how heartbroken his mother would be. We know most birth families are not monsters merely people who for many complex reasons ( and sometimes beyond their control ) are unable to provide the long term stability the child needs.
I have been a fc for a good few years now and every family who has had a child removed always says that it was a conspiracy on soc services behalf and that they did nothing wrong etc but the courts need v high thresholds of evidence to remove and it is not a random decision made by a single sw . I dont know the circumstances in your case but whatever the truth sadly your grandchild is now legally somebody elses child. I dont see anyone recommending you forget her and move on merely that this bitterness is not helping anyone especially yourself.
Who knows what the future will bring ? It may well be that she seeks you out later in life but in the here and now i would concentrate on the grandchild /ren that you do have.
Finally as already said I am sorry for you and your family 's pain. Life is hard at times and you have faced this loss through no fault of your own . I hope you can find some peace and send you best wishes for the future.

Kr1st1na Sat 04-Nov-17 08:30:43

Knowledge of their birth family seems that is a waste of time in many cases if they don't ever go on to meet them

Ah, so any any information isn’t for the child’s benefit ? It’s all about persuading the child to meet YOU. That’s interesting you see it that way.

Why would adoptees want to meet their biological family if they are so awful? Like people assume we were/are

No one on this thread has said that, quite the opposite.

To hope that she will come looking? well we gave up on that idea from the beginning. If she comes she will be met with open arms, but we are not holding our breath but perhaps better she doesn't as you said they don't want to hear the other side of the story

I didn’t say that adoptees didn’t want to hear your side of the story. I said that’s not THE ONLY reason they want to make contact . Whereas is seems that it’s the ONLY reason YOU want contact, to say you’re piece.

And it’s not “ the other side of the story “.its just your side. There are more than two stories, It’s not a court case.

Interesting that you show no interest in hearing the adoptees story. It’s all about you.

I know a few people now who get letterbox. It seems the themes are similar, we get our noses rubbed in the fact they have our child and can make them happier than us

So you would rather be told that the child is unhappy and has a shit life? What do you want the letters to say ?

We have no expectations of her growing up with an understanding of her biological family apart from the fiction provided by social services. . As for looking worse, can't be much worse than the lies she will already be being told

You have no idea what the child is being told. However what you write here shows that you struggle to consider what might be in the child’s best interest .

Her current parent and family group should have to be enough for her. Legally we are of no importance and I am sure the letters are a drag. It would at least give the adopter more time to spend on her own plans to wipe us from her adopted daughters future and protect her own

Wow just wow. You are withdrawing from letter box contact because the child doesn’t deserve a few hours of your time a year. That’s pretty callous.

I have a half brother, I have never met, I have no need to meet

That’s your choice, you are an adult. But this isn’t about you, it’s about a child. That’s the theme of all your posts, you you and you.

I’m sorry, you won’t get reassurance here. No one will condone you pulling out of letter box contact in this spiteful way because the child shouldn’t “need it “.

And If people disagreeing with you online is your “worst nightmare” , then you must have had a very easy life.

Sallymadams Sat 04-Nov-17 09:40:05

WOW Kr1st1na....
I went looking at her other posts - I would hate to be living in her shoes, especially as I know of two families in my professional capacity to have had children removed, adopted and later find out it had been a mistake.
What ever she does she will have to live with her decisions and only time will tell if the child’s biological parent will decide to share later after all he has his new daughter to consider. It is after all his responsibility to share, not hers which she is happy to go along with, I can only assume she would share his decision too and hope the adopter will understand why there had been any delay.
The Dad has to consider What is best for his second child especially of a reunion with her half sister is not wanted. His second child ultimately has priority. His legal obligations ceased with the adoption order. It will then be the Adopters decision if she wants to share before her child is old enough to make any decisions.
All I hope is that Sue can concentrate all her love for her second grandchild, keep everything positive in any conversations about her first grandchild and try to appreciate what the Adopter is doing.

TunnelofLove485 Sat 04-Nov-17 12:20:25

OP doesn’t really want advice, she just wants to target adopters and take out her frustrations on them. Nothing about the way she posts makes me think that her family have been the exception to the rule.

Sallymadams Sat 04-Nov-17 13:53:48

During all the times I have dealt with Safeguarding, the behaviour of professionals makes or breaks how families cope. Promises kept or broken make or break the way families cope with loss.
When assumptions are made on either side the storyline moves.
I will always wonder if the adopters and adoptees of the two families I was involved with will ever find out a mistake was made. If they do, how that knowledge molds their ‘futures’
While I do not think her rage will Soon diminish, some of the comments on here will no doubt reinforce her need to vent

TunnelofLove485 Sat 04-Nov-17 21:26:10

Yes but you have no idea if any mistakes were actually made here Sally. The OP can vent. She just shouldn’t assume that people will sit back and take it here and react with never ending kindness. Especially if words of advice and kindness are continuously thrown back.

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