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He's left me

(35 Posts)
Choccogoingcuckoo Tue 03-Oct-17 12:12:21

After being in the adoption process for 2.5 years we've been linked with the most handsome 5yr old boy, waiting on date for matching panel. His room is decorated ready for his arrival. Been told it's a great match and my DH has packed up and left me!!! He's very final and about it all. My heart is shattered 💔

Jellycatspyjamas Tue 03-Oct-17 12:22:13

Oh God, I have no useful words but my heart bleeds for you. I'm so sorry.

jingscrivenshelpmaboab Tue 03-Oct-17 12:26:13

Oh Chocco, I'm so sorry, that's terrible. The adoption process can put an incredible amount of stress on a relationship, just so sad that it's come to a head now. Is he definitely final? Is there a chance that the imminent match is too much pressure, might he reconsider?

Sorry, no words of advice really, but sending hugs and positive vibes.

fatberg Tue 03-Oct-17 12:56:27

Omg. I'm so sorry. Have you RL support?

Choccogoingcuckoo Tue 03-Oct-17 13:06:19

We've spoken since with no reconciliation. I do have RL support. Our sw is on holiday at the moment, how do I even begin to have this conversation with her?!

B1rdonawire Tue 03-Oct-17 14:28:41

Holding out a virtual hand to you to squeeze. I cannot imagine how this feels. I hope your SW is back soon and you're able to start talking about what happens. Take tiny steps, and keep leaning on your RL support - you must be shattered from trying to take it all in flowers brew

OurMiracle1106 Tue 03-Oct-17 15:44:15

I'm so sorry.
It must be such a massive shock for you. Have no words of advice but thinking of you. cake flowers

Bitchfromhell Tue 03-Oct-17 17:31:17

I'm so sorry, what an awful thing to happen flowers

exercisejunkie Tue 03-Oct-17 18:18:15

Oh choco I can't begin to think how you must be feeling, would you want to do this alone, I'm assuming you'd need to be reassessed as a single adopter? It is possible, I'm a single adopter recently approved, talk to your SW and be kind to yourself, were all here to listen if you need us.

hidinginthenightgarden Tue 03-Oct-17 18:19:09

Oh god I am so sorry to hear this. Do you think he has been going along with it all this time without actually wanting to go ahead?

bellasuewow Tue 03-Oct-17 21:39:09

What an awful shock Chin up chocco 🌷

Italiangreyhound Tue 03-Oct-17 22:42:14

Choccogoingcuckoo I am so very sorry. How do you feel now, do you feel you and your husband could reconcile or do you not want to.

I am so sorry he has done something very cruel to you, I feel. Maybe it all got too much for him and he felt if the child came he could not leave.

This is such a sadness. thanks

OlennasWimple Tue 03-Oct-17 22:58:45

Oh no, that's completely shit flowers

Sillyshell Wed 04-Oct-17 12:10:59

I am so sorry, I cant even imagine how devastated you must feel. Be kind to yourself x

UnderTheNameOfSanders Wed 04-Oct-17 13:02:10


Choccogoingcuckoo Wed 04-Oct-17 20:28:58

I'm still struggling to get my head around this. SW is back her holidays tomorrow. I am dreading telling her. It's going to make it official and final. Years of work our sw has put in and all the work LO's team have done.

Does anyone know what the potential outcome of this news is going to be? Would it be an option to adopt this LO as a single adopter or would I be back at day 1 of assessments proving I could be a lone parent?

I am completely crushed I can't believe I've lost my boy. And how awful for LO what is he going to think, we've (my ex) has let him down terribly.

hidinginthenightgarden Wed 04-Oct-17 20:32:43

Sorry Chocco but I would be surprised if they let you go ahead with this match. Not only would you need to be assessed as a single adopter, they would want you to recover from the loss of your marriage.
If I were you I would fight for the opportunity to take on this lo but be prepared that it may not work out.

UnderTheNameOfSanders Wed 04-Oct-17 20:48:24

If you've not had matching panel yet the LO shouldn't know anything about you.
This will not be an consolation to you, but it is better for your LO for your DH to pull out now than during introductions or soon after placement.
I can't begin to imagine how you must be feeling. flowerswinecake[why isn't there a chocolate symbol?]

thomassmuggit Wed 04-Oct-17 22:02:46

I am so so sorry.

If he was wobbling/is a bastard/needs more time/whatever, it really is good that it's happened now, rather than just after placement. But it still sucks, I'm sorry.

LO probably doesn't know you exist, as someone further up said, so they should be ok.

My advice is to give yourself time. You can't plough on with an adoption in the aftermath of an unexpected relationship breakdown.

Italiangreyhound Wed 04-Oct-17 22:52:03

I think thom has good advice, "My advice is to give yourself time. You can't plough on with an adoption in the aftermath of an unexpected relationship breakdown."

But I would still want to ask what may be possible.

I think hidinginthenightgarden is completely right (you will need time to heal and adjust) and this may not be the right time for this little boy to come to you. BUT I agree I would suggest it. I would ask what your options are.

Have you spoken to your husband? I think it is so recent you may not be able to work out your way forward. I think maybe knowing how you want things to go now will help you.

Is there a chance for you and dh to reconcile and is that what you would want, would that mean never going ahead with adoption? Or are you now in a position to walk away from the marriage (yes, I know it was his decision, and not your decision), but are you accepting of it, and now wishing to try to save the link with this little boy?

I think do what you feel is right. Even if the link cannot be preserved, if you want to ask about it, do. Because you want to be able to look back and say you asked the right things and were open to whatever felt right for you.

I have no idea but 5 seems an age that is still relatively young (our little boy was three almost 4 when he came to us and I think was not considered hard to place). But if this little boy is 5, almost 6, would it be easy for social workers/family finders to find a new match?

I just wonder if the social workers would even consider a foster or foster to adopt situation for you as a lone foster carer/lone adopter for this child after you have come to terms with this, and if he is still 'in the system'? It would be good to just know if this is even a possibility.

Do you want to be a single parent, could you finance this? Do you have suitable support from your parents or other relatives etc?

Did you have any idea your husband could do this?

So many questions, only answer them if you wish to, and if it helps you process all this. I am not just being nosy for the sake of being nosy!

I am so very sorry. thanks

dimples76 Wed 04-Oct-17 23:32:19

So very sorry to read this.

I think you need to focus on yourself and what you want. All that you can do is tell your SW the truth and what your hopes are.

Take care

Bitchfromhell Thu 05-Oct-17 09:45:55

I'm racking my brains for you here because I know I've heard a similar story before whereby the couple separated and one of them went on to adopt independently of their partner. I'm sorry I just can't remember any details. I think it might have been a story from a social worker about one of her families as i know it's no one I know personally.
I think they split during introductions and the mother continued with the placement alone. So I think it was possible in their circumstances.
Good Luck flowers

wizzywig Thu 05-Oct-17 09:47:59

I cant offer any advice but am so sorry to hear this.

conserveisposhforjam Thu 05-Oct-17 20:28:07

Bitchfromhell wasn't there another poster on here recently? But they were post placement but pre-AO?

I'm so sorry OP. I think Italian's post had a lot of good questions in it which you might be able to process as this sinks in. It sounds like a bolt from the blue. I hope it wasn't too much as that must be so hard to come to terms with.

Choccogoingcuckoo Fri 06-Oct-17 08:28:34

Hi, sorry I've not been on much, thanks for all your well wishes. My heads all over the place to think about answering all the questions above but I will do in time.

I spoke with my sw yesterday she said it's not the end of the road for myself and could carry out a small assessment but it is likely the end of the road with this match as i do need time to recover from this. She was as shocked as I am.

I'm not sure I could go into this as a single adopter, the main reason being I work shifts. Without changing to a Mon-Fri 9-5 role how can i provide stability and routine by myself? And this would mean cutting my wage in half which then raises questions on mortgage payments, living costs etc. I'm sure I'd have to make some significant changes first before proceeding.

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