Books on adoption for Toddler

[BuffalotheGruffalo]

Hi, we are at a point with DS where he is starting to pick up on babies growing in a mummy's tummy (2.5 yrs old) so it seems a good place/time to start proper life story work. We have a few books, one was his story book which the LA gave us. It's really good, very basic and clear and he loves it. We have another called 'the teazles baby bunny' and last week I bought another called 'we belong toegther'. He really likes the first two and we've read them lots, particularly his own story. Are there any other books people would recommend? DS was only weeks old when he came home so really has no memory or understanding of his adoption.

Also, despite feeling prepared, now he's at a stage where he might ask questions I'm feeling a bit worried I might get it wrong. Any tips or advice from others who are/were talking to their LO at a similar age?

Thank you!

[donquixotedelamancha]

2.5 seems waaaaay to young to be doing 'proper life story work'. DD2 is almost 4 and only recently has any substantial understanding of what adoption means.

She has no memory of BF and so I don't every plan to 'do life story work' unless it's needed. We use her life story book as a photo album, so she's seen photo's of BF. We discuss things around her, refer to circumstances openly if they come up and when she asks questions we answer; but we don't bring it up artificially.

My objective is for adoption to be low-key and natural, but able to be talked about. I should add that I approach this as an adoptee as well. Being adopted was no big deal when I grew up.

[Jellycatspyjamas]

I agree, asking about babies growing in mummy's tummy is age and stage appropriate and really a chat about him growing in his birth mummy's tummy and coming to be your little boy should do it. The Nutmeg series of books were used to prepare my 4 year old for coming to us but they might be a bit old for your little one.

I agree with the previous poster, adoption is just a fact of life in our house and something we'll talk about as and when it arises. If my kids need to do therapeutic life story work, I'll arrange for someone to do that with them professionally.

[brightsunshineatlast]

I am a bit confused about the posts from don and jelly because I think that you were asking about doing it in an age appropriate way? If your dc has been with you since being a tiny baby, he will have heard you chattering on and what other people have said and by 2.5 it is not at all surprising that he is wondering and talking about it. I also think different children have different needs and comprehension at different times.

I think if you try to work out what your dc really needs to understand (without them telling you) then it will be easier to talk about it. For example, what they may need to know is that even if your family is different, it is still perfect and that you are his mother and will look after him. I would doubt he'd ask the question, but he may need to know the answer. He may have questions in his heart about his other family, though all adopters deal with this so differently. Re the other tummy and biology I think that my dc started to get interested in that sort of biology at around 4 from memory.

It is a shame there isn't a good psychologist who specialises in adoption regularly on this forum who could give good answers.

[exercisejunkie]

I have the book a mother for Choco and intend to read it regularly along with any other similar ones to keep dialogue open.

[BuffalotheGruffalo]

Thanks for your replies. When I say 'proper' I just mean starting to make reference to the fact that he grew in someone else's tummy etc, and going on from there. nothing more than that really. We will alway's be open, it's just part of how our family was made. It sounds like I'm OK with the books I have at the moment though. I'll have a look at the Chocco and Nutmeg ones for a bit later. He is definitely interested in tummies at the moment, we are surrounded by people popping out babies so he knows where they come from - as far as a 2yr can comprehend anyway! That's realy just why I wondered about books, he's a book worm through and through and really loves to chat through the pictures and the stories we have.

[donquixotedelamancha]

"I am a bit confused about the posts from don and jelly because I think that you were asking about doing it in an age appropriate way?"

Not sure why. I don't see a big difference between what you and I wrote. I'm just emphasising my approach, with my child's similar background, of being low key about it.

Was there something that seemed critical? Tone can be hard to convey in text.

[PoppyStellar]

The Family Book by Todd Parr is good for that age and shows all different sorts of families including adoptive ones. I found it helpful for introducing DD at that age to the idea of how our family was created.

I once heard someone describe to their child how they came to be part of the family by saying 'you grew in my heart not in my tummy'. Might be a bit twee (and clearly not biologically accurate!) but I liked the sentiment.

[brightsunshineatlast]

don I didn't think you were being critical (nor was I intending to be) but you had said 2.5 was too young and I said the opposite, given the age the child went to live with the OP. I don't think 2.5 is too young here, if done in an age appropriate way. I was confused by what you had said, but that was not intended to be a criticism of you!

OP, what you have said about lots of women around him and babies certainly makes sense!

[Moominmammaatsea]

Hi Buffalo, a fellow adopter, nine years in here, and my opinion / experience is that you can't really start talking to children too early about their own story: the more you can talk about it and the more they can own it, the more normalised it becomes. My daughter, who's nearly 10, and came to live with me as a baby, adored the book 'Bye, Bye Baby' by Janet and Allan Ahlberg: it's a 'proper', mainstream baby / toddler book (none of that Nutmeg-the-Squirrel weak-story and rubbish illustrations crap that we adopters feel compelled to buy into because it's allegedly a story about 'us', but leaves us feeling cheated about spending a tenner a pop on Amazon. Seriously, I hated them so much and my daughter was so underwhelmed, that I reckon I could whizz off a better 'adoption' picture book in the hour-or-so my FTA baby is napping tomorrow. And that will only be 40-minutes, if I'm lucky.

Far better, if you have a toddler who loves books and listening to stories, to get creative and identify mainstream books and characters who've experienced adoption and separation from their birth family i.e. Paddington to make our children feel included.

I have a stack of such books I've collected over the years, so i will compile a list and post it here, if you, or anyone else is interested?

[DeegeeDee]

Always interested @Moominmammaatsea. This has been a good thread OP, thank you.

[BuffalotheGruffalo]

Moomin that would be great thank you!
I suppose there is a lot in mainstream alongside Paddington - Superman, Batman, Harry Potter? Although it might run the risk of him thinking he'll be a super hero if we talk about those stories! He's my little hero though so I don't mind if he does :)

[Mintylizzy9]

Hi, my 3 year old is enjoying this one at the minute.

[Mintylizzy9]

Sorry the link isn't working it's this one

[thomasmuggit]

We got 'I wished for you' after it was recommended on here. It has a page about God, but maybe you could stick those together, if you're not Godsquad?

<a class="break-all" href="//www.amazon.co.uk/I-Wished-You-Adoption-Story/dp/1934082066?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21" rel="nofollow noindex" target="_blank">//www.amazon.co.uk/I-Wished-You-Adoption-Story/dp/1934082066?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

[Mintylizzy9]

We have wished for you as well, I think it's a lovely book but DS gets bored about two pages in! He still a bit young for it at the minute but it makes me cry every. single. time I try to read it to him!

Nursery read a very inappropriate book a few weeks ago that in the right hands could be good, Julia Donaldson Monkey Puzzle. Little monkey looses his mum in the jungle and a butterfly tried to find her but keeps finding the wrong mums. Links VERY easily into a social worker. Only issue for me was they find his dad and mum and it's happy ever after but for a pre reading child you could alter the ending a bit. I'm thinking of buying it as I only have the amazon reviews (and nurserys embarrased mutterings) to go off though!

[Moominmammaatsea]

So sorry I've not returned to update... I forgot I'd posted here (adoption brain) and I've been to panel this week to have our baby's permanent placement approved, so I've been somewhat distracted.

Anyway, I am ransacking our bookcases as I write and will be in a position to post a list of adoption-friendly children's books (as favoured by the non-adult members of the Moomin household).

[Rainatnight]

Thanks, Moomin, I'll watch out with interest. Our DD (15 months) loves books and is sharp as a tack, and we've been thinking it's time just to drop adoption into her reading (or rather, our reading to her ) so that it's always been there from the start.

[thomassmuggit]

I haven't found a good 'spin' on Monkey Puzzle for adoption, just it could be very scary 'I've lost my mum!'

We like Paddington, and talk about how he was adopted from a far away place, like LO, by the Browns, and while he is now a Brown, he looks different, and sometimes finds like in London hard, and that's ok. The Browns don't moan at Paddington for being different, they accept who he is, and his world view. He even has letterbox with his auntie! It's not perfect, but works for us.

[Mintylizzy9]

I ordered bye bye baby, it arrived today and DS sat and listened and was so engaged with it! I tweaked it a bit, so uncle was grandad (I don't have any siblings), biscuits were his fave ones and daddy was a grandma. Thank you for the recommendation