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How to put a child up for adoption

(28 Posts)
scottishgirl98 Mon 11-Sep-17 16:37:30

I'm a student at university in Scotland and I've recently found out I'm expecting. The father and I are not together and as I am only 19, we are looking through my options. I'm only 10 weeks currently and I want to have all the information/options before making a decision to keep it or otherwise. In terms of putting a baby up for adoption I don't want to leave the baby in foster care, I'd rather have it go straight to a loving home with loving parents. Does anybody know if I'd be allowed to meet a few potential parents to make sure they would provide good stable homes? I wouldn't be fussed about single parents or sexuality or marital status or anything like that, I'd just want to make sure the baby is going to a good loving permanent home and that I get updates on their progress maybe once a year if possible. Is there anybody out there whose put a newborn baby up for adoption or saught out adoptive parents while still pregnant who can tell me about the process and what it involves?

flapjackfairy Mon 11-Sep-17 16:46:28

You cannot select your adoptive parents i am afraid. In the uk private adoption is not allowed.
You need to contact your local authority and speak to their adoption team. They can help you sort through your options and explain the process.
If you do decide to relinquish your baby the birth father will have the right to object and a court would have to decide if it is in the childs best interests to end his rights ( not sure if that applies if he is not named on birth certificate ) . Is he happy to look at adoption ?
It is possible that social services will look at extended families on both sides to see if there is anyone who could take them as a kinship carer.
If that is ruled out then most likely your child will be placed with a family who are approved on a foster to adopt basis so the baby will not then have to be moved as they would go on to adopt when legally able to do so.
So lots to think about scottish. Really hope you find the best path for both you and your little one. Good luck x

scottishgirl98 Mon 11-Sep-17 16:54:36

Thanks I'm just worried because of the horror foster and adoptive stories I hear in the news. I know the council would thoroughly vet all candidates but it doesn't make me worry any less. I just want to meet them, to know the baby is in safe hands. I've mentioned it to the father and he seems unsure but even though he is 29 I just don't think he comprehends the difficulties of raising a child as he's never even babysat a kid before. I looked after kids throughout my teenage years (I come from a family of midwives and paedetric nurses so babysitting gigs from newborn to teenage were always a dime a dozen) but I just don't think I could provide for it financially and to be completely honest I'm just not ready to have kids, I want to travel and explore the world solo as selfish as that sounds.

flapjackfairy Mon 11-Sep-17 17:28:30

Well i am a foster carer and adoptor and most of us do it because we love children as no doubt you know. These days It is hard to get through the adoption process and there is a glut of adoptors who want an uncomplicated baby as it were ( as in no drugs, alcohol, mental health issues in birth parents etc as i am assuming in this case) The sw would be spoilt for choice so it is safe to assume your child would have a v loving home.
No judgements here i assure you x

Corcory Mon 11-Sep-17 18:27:38

You could well be able to meet the adopters. But that would be after they were approved to have your baby and maybe even after the baby is placed with them. That is becoming more common. But it wouldn't mean you would have a say in who is adopting your child the SWs and the courts decide that. You would very likely receive a letter every year from the adopters telling you how the child was getting on. You would be expected to return the favour and tell them your news. In some cases there is open adoption where the child actually meets their BP on a regular basis. This is fairly rare and it is open to conjecture as to whether or not it is in the interests of the child and can be quite unsettling for them. The key to both of these is consistency in that it actually happens every year or what ever as children can not be mucked around. Also everything that is done by SS in relation to adoption has to be in the best interests of the child not the parents if you see what I mean.

Thepinklady77 Mon 11-Sep-17 21:23:23

It is still very very early days for you and I really think you need to speak to a range of people, including your family, as to your options. You are in Scotland and the majority of posters here are from England where adoption law and proceedings are quite different from Scotland. Suggestions and advice mentioned here may well relate to England but you need specific support re. Scotland. I will say though that it is likely that the baby will go into foster care initially before going to adopters if you decide on that route. You will not be legally allowed to relinquish your parental rights for at least 6 weeks after birth. They would have to remain in foster care during this period. Foster to adopt is where the SW are pretty much certain that the baby will go on to need adopted. During this time, it is often the case were parents who planned to relinquish them change their mind. Therefore social workers would not risk placing the child with foster to adopt carers when there is still a high chance the child would return to your care should you change your mind. Also I think from what you have said about your family background a family member is going to be very keen to want to offer kinship care to keep the child in the family. Please speak to a counsellor at uni for advice, visit a family planning clinic or share with your family. This is not a burden you should carry alone and you need support and advice. I wish you all the best with your decisions and the way forward.

Jellycatspyjamas Mon 11-Sep-17 22:52:53

I'm in Scotland, your first step would be to contact your local social work department children and families team. I suspect you'll be asked to go through counselling about relinquishing your baby and it's unlikely you'd meet the adoptive parents until they were matched with your child. You can ask for certain traits, qualities or characteristics including the gender mix of the parents, single or couple, older, younger, fairy orientation etc. That's not to say you'll get what you ask for but it would certainly be considered.

Your family and the baby's fathers family would have the right to oppose placing the baby for adoption even if you decided it what you want so do discuss the options with the people close to you.

I can't imagine how heartbreaking a decision it is for you, go gently with yourself.

Suzi763 Wed 13-Sep-17 08:11:17

You should contact with some child care center. Put them your options of family for your child. They will sign an agreement with the family so that you can meet with your child once a year. Local authorities will also help you. But they might not be fulfilled your requirements. Social work department or child care center are the best options. They will treat you friendly instead of only showing professionalism. In most cases, intended parents don't want to actual parents to meet child. So you can't gurantee about the environment about your baby. If you process it with some NGO like department, they will find ways to arrange meetings with you child in a year or when you want. It's very scarring to give your child to someone else. To whom you even don't know. Are you planning give up your child immediately after birth? I can't imagine how you could do it.

Thepinklady77 Wed 13-Sep-17 10:32:13

Suzi can I ask are you uk based? The advice you give does not sound in keeping with uk procedures and laws, more specifically Scotland. Op please you need specific advice from a professional where you are based.

Kr1s Thu 21-Sep-17 18:30:26

Scottishgirl - I'm sorry to hear about your dilemma, you are doing the right thing to seek advice about your options so early on. Many girls in your situation just ignore things, so you are showing great maturity I think.

This is what you need to do right away.

1. Speak to your course tutor to let them know you are PG and don't know yet what your plans are.

2. Make an appointment with your GP, the one at uni not your home GP

3. Speak to your family . If you decide to proceed with your adoption plan then they will have to meet with the social workers anyway . Your ex also needs to speak to his family for the same reason.

4. Phone Scottish adoption and arrange to speak to one of their counsellors, its free. If they can't help you they will put you in touch with the right person in your city

Here is more information about placing a child for adoption in Scotland

Good luck and please come back here to let us know how you get on. It's one of the most supportive parts of MN smile and you are very welcome here.

fasparent Thu 21-Sep-17 19:14:14

Think you are best too seek 3rd party advice and support from independent professional's., Who are experienced and know of all other options of support and help you may need. and are able too support your education, housing, benefits.
Suggest you contact Family nurse NHS partnership Scotland for advice and support and advice. , in the 1st Instance.
Wish you luck.

fasparent Thu 21-Sep-17 19:21:01

Sorry as you are only 19 you would qualify for support which would last for 3 years after baby is born, and be allocated a nurse support worker who would be there for you and baby. To help in all area's

Italiangreyhound Sun 24-Sep-17 01:08:10

scottishgirl98 I'm sorry you find yourself in this difficult position.

Have you had any professional counselling to see if this is really what you want to do?

Giving up a baby is a massive step, which will most likely affect you or your whole life, just as keeping the baby would.

There is a lot of talk on the thread of keeping in touch or letters or even potentially meeting up with the baby/child. I don't know how things are in Scotland but some of this is very rare indeed.

I just want to make sure you have really thought it all through.

"I'd rather have it go straight to a loving home with loving parents." The thing is that, although you may be pretty sure that the baby would find a loving home, have you seriously considered if you could care for the baby?

Sending you all best wishes.

Italiangreyhound Sun 24-Sep-17 01:08:56

I meant in England... "but some of this is very rare indeed in England."

ImNotReallyReal Sun 24-Sep-17 15:32:39

YY to IG. You're giving up the baby. There is likely to be little contact, no control of it and it will effect you for the rest of your life.

I'm an adoptee, not an adopter but the ramifications are far reaching. Both good and bad, please seek professional counselling and work out a plan from there.

I don't mean to be cruel but the internet is not the best place to address this very emotive topic. Professional help should be sought on this matter.

I wish you all the best.

Kr1s Sun 24-Sep-17 16:55:08

Lots of people find the internet a good place to discuss difficult issues, as you can be anonymous. Indeed, some people feel they have no where else to turn and for them it can be a life saver.

Lots of people have found these adoption boards ( and other sites ) to a be a great source of support. So please don't suggest to the OP that she can't post here - she is very welcome . I'm sure that she's quite aware that the internet it's not a substitute for counselling .

OP I hope you are OK and have found some RL support.

ImNotReallyReal Sun 24-Sep-17 17:44:25

Kr1s the internet is somewhere to express an opinion. I hope the OP finds mine helpful. I wish her nothing but luck, but this is not somewhere to make a decision or snipe,

Get RL help. I speak from RL. It's not all babies and happy families. It's hard on everyone. Even the child, even that child and all effected 40 years on.

That's not to say it's something I'd change. It's just my experience. I thought as an adoptee would have a valid opinion. Maybe not. Something I got used to a long time ago I guess, hey I'm lucky!

OP, good luck.

Italiangreyhound Sun 24-Sep-17 18:07:21

I agree with Kr1s that the internet is a good place to discuss. It's not a substitute for speaking to people in real life but it can help as well.

To my knowkege in recent years two women posted (separately) here about giving up babies.

One mayby 5-6 years ago and one last year. In both cases the women decided to keep their babies. The situations were both (if I remember rightly) quite complicated and different to your situation OP.

I am pretty sure they were helped by discussing things here.

ImNotReallyReal the opinions of all affected by adoption, especially those who were adopted as children, are very much valued here.

Please do keep posting.

As mum to a boy by adoption your thoughts and experiences are very valuable.

This is also a safe place to agree and to disagree anonymously. flowers

ImNotReallyReal Sun 24-Sep-17 21:16:52

IG I know you are wise and I have read many of your posts over the years. It's a minefield eh?

Adoption is so emotional, I feel that yes we can talk about it online. But the decisions need to be made in RL with real people. Here we're just a sounding board (a good one though).

I was just a bit smarted that my opinion didn't count. Been there,done that - might have some rejection issues (wonder why wink). Thank you for the kind response.

OP, please post, take the advice and get some RL support. If you want to adopt out your baby it's an amazing thing to do. If you choose to keep the baby you'll make it work. Your baby, body, choice etc etc. You must be in hormonal/stress hell right now.

At 10 weeks nothing is set in stone. Go easy on yourself. You have time on your side. Take care flowers

Kr1s Sun 24-Sep-17 22:12:25

im not really real

No one said that your opinion didn't count. Just as you are allowed to post your opinion, I am allowed to disagree.

I just asked you not to tell the OP not to post here as this board is open to everyone. She doesn't need a telling off for posting , especially as she's young and facing a difficult situation. This is HER thread for posters to talk about her options, based on what she has told us. It's about supporting her in the choices she has to make.

Maybe you might like to start your own thread to discuss other adoption topics that interest you?

thomasmuggit Sun 24-Sep-17 23:48:05

OP- I think it's easy to get an unrealistic view of adoption as an alternative to termination or single parenthood, from films etc, but many are based on the US, rather than UK system.

It is likely your baby would spend time in foster care. The standard of foster carers varies from the fantastic to the 'wow, they're a foster carer?!' Relinquishing does give you a louder voice than having a child removed, I think, but in the end, social workers will choose who is your baby's family.

It's not easy. Are you just reading up on all the options, before deciding?

Italiangreyhound Mon 25-Sep-17 05:15:35

ImNotReallyReal absolutely no one thinks your view doesn't count and thank you for your kind words. thanks

It's very difficult because things do change very quickly, or seem to. I adopted 3.5 years ago and I am in England so things are different to Scotland, I am told.

thomasmuggit I would agree that "Relinquishing does give you a louder voice than having a child removed," and also that " the end, social workers will choose who is your baby's family."

However, relinquishing does at least give you the option to change your mind, where as having a baby or child taken away does not.

Also, adoption is an alternative to termination or single parenthood, it is a choice for those who choose to relinquish but it is very rare in the UK. I guess like other not-ideal choices it may well feel like no choice at all. However, I think that view could be dis-empowering. There is a choice.

I am surprised to say I do know two couples who adopted relinquished babies in the UK, I may well think that is quite unusual and many may not know that number (relinquished in the last decade). But it absolutely is not like the US, where pregnant women select a parent/s for their child.

OP would it help you to explain why you feel relinquishing your baby is the best way?

"The father and I are not together and as I am only 19, we are looking through my options." The father is older, would he support you if you kept the baby, what about your family?

It may seem curious that I (or other people who have adopted) would appear to want to talk you out of relinquishing your baby. I don't want to do that if that is he only or the best option. I just want to make sure you know that is really best for you.

ImNotReallyReal Mon 25-Sep-17 23:47:09

IG I'm in the process of trying to reconnect to my bio dad again due to health issues. He has two granddaughters but he's needy and wants to be my 'real' dad (he's selfish if I'm honest).

That's not going to happen, my 'adoptive - I don't like that term at all' dad is my dad. He brought me up. Despite the problems we had along the way he is my dad. Like in any other father and daughter relationship.

Anyone effected by adoption or fostering can see this swings either way from time to time. Especially through the difficult teenage years (which seem to come earlier now).

It just hit a raw nerve for me. I apologise to the OP as I'm super sensitive on this issue. It's been 40 years plus and I still don't have the answers I'd like. It's good to ask questions on here but it's not somewhere that you'll find the true answer, only you know that deep down. Be it as an adopter or an adoptee. It's just so very complex. I wish all on each side the very best.

Italiangreyhound Tue 26-Sep-17 01:11:28

ImNotReallyReal it's totally understandable that you feel the way you do. Have you encountered After Adoption, you may find some specialist counselling can help.

I hope you find peace with your birth father. I am torn with what I hope for my little boy. I hope when he is older he may look for birth family as this may help him. But I don't know whether he will find peace with his past or not. I've had interesting developments with my children, a birth daughter who can be quite difficult and an adopted son who is quite straight forward!

I just find the fun and joy where I can! I love them both equally.

That's kind of what we aim for with kids but with your dad (birth father) and your adoptive had (I know what you mean about using that title but it is just for distinction) you can choose how you feel about them both.

You don't owe them love or care but just to look out for yourself and hopefully some love will come for different situations. Not sure if I am making any sense, I guess I am trying to say do and feel what is right for you. XX thanks

Kr1s Tue 26-Sep-17 09:52:36

How are you getting on scottishgirl?

Did you manage to speak to anyone about your situation ?

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