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Adult adoptee has found out more info about birth family, what to do?

(5 Posts)
badgerhead Wed 30-Aug-17 18:51:49

I'm an older adoptee who was adopted into a loving family and I have always been accepted and loved by my family. My father passed away 8 years ago & my mother at the beginning of this year. My older brother (birth child) has been dealing with the estate & probate has been granted and the estate distributed. Along with my mother's papers my brother found a file relating to my adoption and told me that he suggested to my mother that I should have it after my father died, but she refused. He has now forwarded it onto me and although I already knew some of the information about my birth family, there is some information in it that I wasn't aware of.

I already knew that my BM died during or soon after giving birth to me, and that even if she hadn't died I would have been adopted. My BP's were married but my BM had had polio causing her to become disabled hence my adoption. Now I find that I have an older sister, by 11 years, who stayed with my BF & his in laws after my BM's death. Through research I believe I have found her, and now am unsure whether to try and contact her. I do not want to cause too many problems for her family (she is a grandmother, as am I), but I would like to know more about my birth family. I do not hold any grudges around the circumstances of my adoption and can see the reasoning behind it. (Think late 1950's early 1960's).

I am just in this quandary about whether to contact her, and if I do how to do it. Do I message her direct through social media, or do I try and find an intermediary, perhaps through the original adoption agency who although have changed names are still around. The thing is because she isn't my mother I don't know whether the agency can/would get involved.

Is there anyone on this board who has any experience of something like this or has knowledge or suggestions as to how I should proceed, please?

OP’s posts: |
pombal Wed 30-Aug-17 19:02:19

Hi there,
I'm also an older adoptee, I wouldn't contact direct through social media.

It just doesn't feel right.

When I looked into contacting my birth family the social worker suggested using an intermediary.

In the end I chickened out and didn't make contact but if I do in the future that is what I'll do.

Hels20 Wed 30-Aug-17 19:13:46

I have a cousin who my uncle gave up for adoption. She stayed with her birth mother who subsequently married. She did not know she was adopted.

When she was 40, she discovered the truth about her birth heritage and one of her friends got in touch with my uncle via social media and just asked a question about whether he was in such and such a place in the relevant year. He knew instantly why he was being asked. It worked out fine but that was probably because my uncle was always expecting that she might get in touch.

Your birth sister might not know you exist - so this could come as a massive shock. So it might be best to use an intermediary. But she is one step removed. She isn't the parent and she wouldn't have been involved in the decision to place you for adoption. I would try an intermediary but if you are getting no luck then I think if you are tactful, and careful and go slowly, I might consider a softly softly approach through social media.

Am sure people may correct me though. But that is my gut feel.

UnderTheNameOfSanders Thu 31-Aug-17 11:14:40

I'm an adopter. I went to a session on contact and social media etc wrt my DDs. One thing we were advised was if the adoptees did want to make contact via social media to set up a completely separate account and email address to keep contact entirely separate to 'everyday' life until you could see how things were going to pan out.

It seems to me that surely she must know about you as at 11 she would have known about her mother's pregnancy? So a gently worded contact maybe would be OK? If you word it as '...no blame on birth family ... recently discovered ... would like to know a bit more ... no pressure ...'

Though going through an intermediary maybe you would have certainty that it had been received & read etc?

Italiangreyhound Thu 31-Aug-17 11:36:58

We adopted our son three years ago. That's my perspective.

I would echo others and advise:
Yes, make contact.by the way it is lovely your brother thought of you in this way. He's totally right the info belongs to you. My guess is your mum withheld it because she it was best but he is right I believe.

Yes, use an intermediary, like the agency.

Maybe goodle After Adoption for advice. Yes, set up separate email and delegate social media account of you do end up going down that route.

Personally, I would not wait, I agree with Saunders your sister must surely have known of your arrival.

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