A question after reading Sally Donovan's unofficial guide to adoptive parenting

[keeponrunning85]

Our TTC journey isn't yet over (waiting for surgery and then one last attempt after almost 3 years TTC and 4 miscarriages) but I have been tentatively and intermittently exploring adoption for about a year, and DH and I are in agreement we will look into it more if I have another miscarriage.

Anyway, I have just finished reading the above book and have a question. I accept it isn't going to be a straightforward yes or no answer, but do you feel Sally's experience with her 2 children is generally representative of being an adoptive parent and the associated challenges?

[bellasuewow]

Hi op sorry to hear about your losses. Multiple miscarriage is really hard and a lot of people on these threads have been through that and and very understanding. This was the first book I read about adoption ( I am now approved and linked) it really put me off to be honest and put the fear of god into me. It is worth bearing in mind that she and her dh adopted about 15 years ago and things have moved on in leaps and bounds since then in terms of the preparation for adopters, the aftercare support and the information resources that are available to potential adopters. She had to find out a lot of stuff the very hard way that nowadays is known about. Her son was extremely traumatised, not all adopted children are to that extent. She also adopted siblings that had had no relationship and that is now considered really really tough and most la's prefer and advise you to adopt one at a time rather than two together because of the parenting demands. I think her book is an adoption classic and a book I will go back to. She has helped others by sharing her experience and I think she is very brave. Best of luck with your journey to be a family op.

[Alltheusernamesaretaken321]

Hi keep on running...I think we've been in touch a little previously as we are both in a similar situation and I'm a bit further down the line than you. My DH is currently reading the book you mentioned and it's putting the fear of god into him and opening his eyes to modern adoption at the same time. Having worked within social services for years, im coming from the opposite side...assuming the worst as the adoptive families I come into contact with through work are at breaking point! Obviously I'm not a parent yet so can't fully answer your question but what I will say is that anyone who says to me 'oh my brothers sister's cousin's hamster's neighbour adopted their children, would you like me to put them in touch with you?' I've jumped at the chance and sent the same list of questions each time. (Pretty much how old were your kids when they came home? What's day to day life like parenting adopted kids? I.e...is it just day after day 100% therapeutic interactions and zero fun? what the ratio of nice times to harder than usual times is like? Lastly if you knew then what you know now what would you do differently?) the majority of people who I've asked this were quite surprised and said they didn't experience day to day life any differently to how they'd imagine birth families do. Some were long established placements other relatively new. Although I know there are much greater risks and lots of unknowns that come with adoption I found it reassuring to know that there are adoptive families out there who lead a relatively 'normal' family life as all my understanding comes through contact with families in crisis or through reading these boards. Obviously people often come on here when times are tough so it can give a skewed view as I guess can the books written on the subject. Perhaps a parent with a settled adoption wouldn't feel the need to write their story and publishers might not be all that interested! It's not that I'm downplaying or minimising the risks and difficulties that comes with adopting children. Also, what is a difficulty for one set of parents might be something another takes in their stride. Hope my ramble has helped in some way. I'd suggest that if you get the opportunity to speak to a cross section of 'real life' adopters then it could help you get a better understanding.

[Alltheusernamesaretaken321]

When I say 'real life' I mean not the ones who've been hand picked to speak at adoption open evenings...obviously their views are also completely valid but they will be under the watchful eye of the SWs. I went to one recently where the parent was very honest about how intrusive the assessment process and I don't think they'll be invited back to speak! (The manager pretty much said they wouldnt!)

[tldr]

We parent a little differently to how I think we might have done but we mostly pass for normal. We're more careful and reflective about our parenting and what works and what doesn't than I imagine a lot of parents are. And the early days were rough, no two ways about that.

I never went back to work full time which hadn't really been my intention but I don't think it was forced on us by the children/their needs as much as by school/childcare realities.

So I'd say be aware that Sally's reality is real, but it's not the only possibility.

And yes, speak to as many adopters as you can.

[Barbadosgirl]

Hi

It doesn't reflect mine and my husband's experience and it doesn't reflect the experiences of our closest adopter friends. I don't doubt there are a lot of people out there who have found the journey very tough and the sorts of issues which lead to children being removed from their families mean that it is more likely that an adopted child is going to face difficulties or issues than a birth child. So, I am not for one moment dismissing these accounts or concerns. However, just for balance, we have been so lucky- just a fantastic experience. By the way, we are being approved for number 2 and our LA has said they would not use us to talk at prep groups as it has been so plain sailing for us that they are worried we would not give a completely accurately portrayal of adoption. So some LAs are very conscientious re prep and don't do a PR stunt.

[Polomintini]

One of the things I found really difficult about the adoption process was finding a balance of real life stories. I think SW's are right to use challenging examples to check the resilience of couples, but I also wanted to know whether it was realistic to expect a 'normal' family life - and this information is difficult to find so you are doing the right thing in talking to as many people as you can. My own experience is that although we were told our children were complex and hard to place, they have adapted amazingly well to their lives with us. The have no additional health needs and are bright and loving. I spend days with my friends with birth children and the behaviour is comparable. I might use slightly different tools (no time out) but there are still consequences for challenging behaviour. It is really hard to take on 2 young children after being childless, however much they are wanted. If you go down this road Then use the process to really test yourselves but have hope that you can have the life you have wished for. Good luck with your treatment x

[Rainatnight]

Something worth bearing in mind is the Bristol research I've seen it paraphrased on here as one third of children having severe issues, one third having moderate issues that needed intervention and one third being pretty straightforward.

We felt we could cope with moderate and straightforward and on that basis had a two in three chance of having a child we could cope with. That sounds sort of crude but you need to find your comfort level, while realising that, of course, there are no guarantees.

[B1rdonawire]

I agree with PPs - although I am brutally honest when I speak to prospective adopter groups, and I do always get asked back

The picture described in that book is possible, and it could be what you experience some (or all) of the time. It's fair also to say that the complexity of parenting the children does increase with siblings, as their previous experiences affect their relationship with each other and with you.

Off the top of my head, I can think of about 10 families who are adopters and who I know well enough that we are honest with each other. I would say of those, 4 are accessing extra support in various forms. For us, I'd say the first year was incredibly hard, the second had a new and different set of challenges but I felt a bit more confident, and since then we would as tldr says "pass for normal" most of the time - we do parent differently, and I am limited in how much I can work because of DD's ongoing needs, which weren't predicted when we started. But DD is an absolute delight and I love her so much it's crazy.

[Alltheusernamesaretaken321]

ha! I think the parent who won't be asked back in our case was because they pretty much said that during the assessment they ask pointless questions to catch you out and send you on pointless courses so just nod and smile and then do things your own way once the SWs are out of the picture

[keeponrunning85]

Thank you all for your replies, they have been very helpful. And I'm glad I'm not the only one who felt a little scared after finishing the book!

Alltheusernames I think you make a valid point that the people who have a relatively straightforward time with it don't tend to write books about it.

I certainly do need to try and find some people who have adopted to chat to in real life. In the meantime, does anyone have any other book recommendations? I'm not quite ready to delve into the heavy duty therapeutic parenting etc ones just yet, more along the lines of personal experience.

[DaddyYannis]

Hello, we also found her books slightly hair-raising to read (have you also read "No Matter What?"), but I would say I think the general advice for adoption is "prepare for the worst and hope for the best"! Throughout the process you will often be asked to think how you will cope with certain behaviours and I think that's the sort of attitude to have - to think that things might not be wonderful and rosy all of the time and to just consider how you will deal with the bad times.

I'd also echo that chatting to real life adopters really helped us, and most of their experiences are not quite so extreme as some of the ones you read about online and much more like "normal" parenting, if there is any such thing.

If you're interested in an entry-level book on childhood trauma that is not too scary and actually a very good read, I would recommend The Boy Who Was Raised Like a Dog. It's important to understand how early experience may affect the children who are available for adoption. It is definitely worth understanding how adopting a child can differ from having a birth child, but that doesn't mean it's less rewarding or that you are any less of a parent!

Good luck with the rest of your journey.

[Alltheusernamesaretaken321]

Something that I found really heartening was that several people who I asked what they'd do differently if they knew then what they know now gave an answer along the lines of if we'd known how wonderful things would turn out we would've done it much sooner and saved ourselves a lot of heart ache along the way! (Of course there are a few flaws in this answer around the children they would have had and the being able to close the door on ttc but I'm sure you get the point they're making!)

[AJ2017]

This was one of the first books I read about adoption and was the closest thing that came to putting me off adoption!! Having an adoptive brother - who is amazing and a very positive experience for my family, as well as friends that are adopted - I had a very idealistic view of adoption. As I went through the process - going on courses, reading more and discussing cases with my social worker I am glad I became more aware of the complexities many adopted children arrive with. I do think however people who have difficulties are more likely to write about them. Also social workers do prepare you for the worse - and probably rightly so.
Almost two years on to when I first started researching adoption my beautiful little boy has been with me for 6 months and is an absolute delight. I know there are uncertainties ahead - which is also true of birth children - but more so with adoptive children. But I could not imagine life without him and it was the best thing I've ever done. So glad the book didn't put me off!
Good luck with your journey.

[user1479393781]

We had our 2 boys placed with us nearly 11 months ago so we're still quite early into things but we read Sally's book and it was quite a sobering read.
We've not had those types of experiences - our boys were a bit unsettled at first - crying at bedtime etc - but gradually we all got (are still getting) to know each other and we think they've attached to us quite well.
Though I think you do end up reviewing everything through the adoption prism. e.g. Boy 1 cried when leaving him at nursery, is that cos he's sad to leave us or is it a deeper issue he has because of earlier trauma.
I think 1 of this things that we struggled with at first wasn't how to deal with the boys emotionally but the basic day to day parenting. The adoption approval process is pretty good at preparing you for how these children may behave because of their early experiences but it didn't cover the basics of e.g. how much to feed them that would probably have evolved naturally if we'd had them since birth. Not exactly an insurmountable problem though.

[fasparent]

Well trodden the mile's many a time 9 Adoptions in 40 years, All children are different, ours have re written the professionals reports and books many a time . All have had great outcomes and are loving secure and happy. Has been difficult and challenging at time's but fun and love surpasses everything.

[Ketzele]

I think her book is a reality for a minority of adoptive parents. I think there's another minority who find adoptive parenting completely uncomplicated. And then there's the big lump in the middle, who find adoptive parenting more challenging than parenting a birth child (spoken as one who has done both), but also hugely rewarding. Parenting my adopted child is high intensity and often difficult, but she is a delight and it is also hugely rewarding.

I think it is very, very hard to know how to present the 'reality' of adoption to prospective adopters. Because if you are after 'normal family life' (as most of us were) then I would say, it is a different normality. Usually more challenging, but then you (usually) love your child and so also hugely rewarding. Sadly a significant minority of families are parenting very traumatised children and I would say that there is still not near enough support for that, though more now than when I adopted 7 years ago.