Uncertainty

[Trinity2500]

Well... it has been some time since I have been on any forums that didn't relate to my midwifery degree, but as my training is drawing to a close and I am about to re-enter the land of the gainfully employed again, my mind is once again turning to the idea of completing our family. It hasn't been as straightforward as we would have liked, as with so many of those of you on here...

My OH (46) and I (42) discovered 6 years ago that we both had fertility issues. Individually, they wouldn't have been too much of an issue, but put them together and it creates a recipe for heartache for someone who has always assumed children were in her future.

We looked into IVF, but because of my increased BMI, I was advised to lose some weight before doing any treatment. Needless to say, the suggestion resulted in my weight increasing through depression and stress...

Just before I started uni, we attended an information session put on by our local council to get an idea of what we would need to do to start the adoption process, only to be told that if I was going to be studying, they wouldn't recommend us starting until after I was done because of how time consuming the application process can be. I was really quite angry about it at the time, but given how stressful my degree was, I think it was the best decision.

So now we are trying to decide if it is something that we even want to get into. Don't get me wrong, the desire to be a mum is still incredibly strong in my heart, but there is also a voice in my head that whispers things to me that cause me to doubt myself.

'You are too old'
'You are too selfish'
'They won't give you younger children'
'You won't be able to handle it'
'OH surely wants a child with his own genes'
'It will be too hard'

Those are just a few!! I don't know what the purpose is here... I think I just want to send the thoughts out there into the world to find out if anyone has any helpful advice or a similar experience that I may be able to draw from.

Whatever way, if you got this far, thanks for reading!

K x

[Peppaismysaviour]

Adoption is a wonderful thing and I will maintain this through whatever argument gets thrown at me.
The process is like a rollercoaster of emotion and varies so much between every individual case. Ours was lengthy but our match with LO came very quickly after approval. Others can take years waiting for a child. A lot of adoption is discovering and accepting your needs, limitations and working with these to find the perfect match.

[flapjackfairy]

Well you are not too old! We are 53 and 52 with an adopted 3 yr old . There are plenty on this forum who were in their 40s so you can lay that one to rest.
It is certainly true that the system is gruelling and needs determination and unwavering commitment to navigate but it is worth it in the end imo.
I suppose you have nothing to lose by jumping in. If you dont you will never be a mum but if you do go for it you may v well be one at the end of it. You can always pull out down the line if you decide it is not for you as you learn more about adoption in modern times.
Good luck whatever you decide

[B1rdonawire]

To respond to your list :

You're not too old.
You're allowed to be a bit selfish sometimes - if you don't make time for self-care when parenting (especially adoptive parenting) you will burn out
The matching process is based on loads of things, including you and what you need - don't rule anything out but do talk absolutely honestly with your SW if you decide to apply
Some days, you absolutely won't be able to handle it on your own but that's OK, that's what a support network is for, and we're allowed to get it wrong sometimes
Only your OH can answer that one!
It will be hard. But it will be family. Only you can decide if it's right for you

[Jellycatspyjamas]

We were the same ages as you and your DP when we started - it's been a very long process for us and DC will be placed with us in a couple of weeks time. I'm 46 and DH is 50. The delays in process were about health issues which just kept popping up.

One thing that was an issue for us was our bmi - we needed to loose a bit of weight but actually rather than them wanting a tick box bmi they wanted evidence that we had made lasting change (so small decrease in bmi but weight lost and kept off). We also had to show that we understood our own issues with food and could avoid passing them on to kids.

It's a rigorous process but it will be worth it in the end.

[weeboysmummy]

I adopted my little boy last year after years of failed fertility treatment and without doubt it was the best thing we've ever done. I couldn't love him more if I'd given birth to him. I was 41 when he was placed and he's now 2 and a half. It was a long road for me to become a parent but has been worth the wait! I would say go for it and to echo others here if you decide it's not for you further down the line that's ok too.

[2old2beamum]

Too old rubbish..... I was 65 when our youngest was placed aged 3 (dh was 62) yes they were desperate (they approached us) and she does have complex needs. Like you I was a midwife and paediatric nurse so that helped.
Good luck and ignore the doom merchants and go for it.

[flapjackfairy]

2old2deamum you are a constant source of inspiration for me as i am really hoping i am not done yet !
Just got to convince dh!

[Trinity2500]

Thank you all so much for this. It does make a huge difference to hear that others have been there before and I am certain that I will be back in here asking a million questions in due course!

I appreciate you all taking the time to message me. xx