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Anyone adopted after recurrent pregnancy loss?

(53 Posts)
Alltheusernamesaretaken321 Mon 22-May-17 15:35:46

Hi all,

I've name changed but am a bit of a newbie on here and have mainly been lurking.

Just wondering how those of you who adopted knew it was the right time to apply to adopt after recurrent pregnancy loss.

We had pretty much agreed that adoption was our route to becoming a family (I know it's not necessarily a 'cure' or a magic wand to fix the pain of our losses) when we were offered a different treatment to try to help me sustain a pregnancy. We decided to go ahead despite not expecting it to work so that we knew we'd tried every avenue available. Sadly my most recent pregnancy failed despite the treatment. Obviously we have to wait to start the application to adopt and in the meantime we're going to do the practical things to prepare as well as try to process the end of the ttc chapter of our lives.

Just wondered if there's any advice others can give or ideas on how to prepare and evidence that we have closed the door on ttc to social care.

Thanks in advance smile

exercisejunkie Mon 22-May-17 19:56:01


I'm in the middle of the process and will say that during stage 1 training there is an emphasis on loss and ensuring you have addressed those feelings of loss. For me it's slightly different as i'm a single adopter but I guess there's the loss of finding a partner and having a baby via pregnancy, I would possibly look into counselling, it must have been tough going through all that.

My LA has a policy of not letting you start the process until you have had a gap of 6 months from last treatment or loss.

In terms of practicalities start reading, join the first4adoption website and do the interactive modules, start thinking and learning about adoption, Dan Huges, Sally Donovan.

Wishing you the best of luck, it's a tough process but will be worth it.

Bingybongboo Mon 22-May-17 21:05:26

I had a few miscarriages sadly. I actually came to terms with being childless but then adoption naturally became the next step. Social workers will grill you about loss etc (mine in the most insensitive way!!).
Adoption is demanding and emotional that's before lo arrives!! I can honestly say we love lo to bits and the attachment is strong. We are very lucky.

Alltheusernamesaretaken321 Mon 22-May-17 21:51:55

Thank you both so much for your replies. It's really helpful as it feels like a bit of an abstract concept to quantify or evidence...I can't see there ever being a time where I don't feel sad that I've had lots of miscarriages but I can accept that it's happened and am able to speak about it in quite pragmatic terms. I accept it's happened and have made peace with the fact I can't change it.

That's a great idea about doing the interactive modules exercise junkie. Thanks for the book recommendations too. I'm going to get them.

How old is your LO bingybongboo? How far through the process are you exercise junkie?

The other worry I have is that I actually work for children's services the authority I would prefer to adopt with so don't know if this would be a conflict of interest.

I've worked with CLA and adoptive families for the last 10 yrs in various roles but my DH doesn't have much childcare experience other than my nephews who sometimes come to stay with us during school holidays. Does this seem like enough or would it be helpful for him to do some voluntary work? Xxx

exercisejunkie Mon 22-May-17 22:17:40


I'm about to start my home study and meetings with my stage 2 SW, excited, apprehensive and nervous I guess! Workbooks have been written and training attended!

Yes I prob would recommend your husband gets some experience, scouts? Football or other sports coaching, church group?

Not sure about any conflict of interests, There is one lady on our course and she's a SW in a neighbouring area so is working with my area SW department for the adoption process.

Polomintini Mon 22-May-17 22:37:21

I had 4 miscarriages from 7 attempts at IVF. Something just clicked in me that I didn't want to be miserable any more. We spent about 4 months exploring adoption or surrogacy and found a great agency to adopt through and it just felt right. It was a year almost to the day from start of process to children coming home. I can't believe I waited so long, but it was all part of me getting to the right place to be able to move forward. Take care of yourself x

Alltheusernamesaretaken321 Mon 22-May-17 23:24:05

You've hit the nail on the head Polo...I don't want to feel miserable any more! ...Waiting for one of the veteran adoptors to come along and tell me it won't be all sunshine and flower here ;-) ....

Exercisejunkie, thats useful to know about the neighbouring authority. That had been my plan but recently they've merged all the LA adoption teams in the county so not sure how that would would. I'm hoping they'd allocate me to a group and a SW in a different town perhaps.

Is it worth is going to an info evening yet or should we wait 6 months?

Sorry for all the questions! X

Polomintini Tue 23-May-17 05:48:54

I would start your research now if you feel ready. Sally Donovan 'no matter what' is a must read and once I read that I knew I was ready to proceed. I talked to a few LAs and a few voluntary agencies to figure out what was right for us. We wanted 2 siblings under 5 but not babies, so a VA proved better for us as the process was quicker. It could be an option given your work - you might want to separate the process from your work. I kept it all secret and took the year to save money and enjoy my like. Good luck x

Polomintini Tue 23-May-17 05:49:39

Enjoy my life!

tldr Tue 23-May-17 10:30:51

It won't be all sunshine and flowers. grin

Some LAs impose a fixed amount of time you must wait, but what they really need to know is that you wouldn't by ttc whilst going through the process or with newly placed child, that you'd be able to love AC, that you wouldn't resent AC for not being BC etc.

Tbh, everything you've posted here makes it sound like you're already there (or thereabouts) and being able to talk about it in these terms should just about make your case for you. (It would have done with our SW, but some SWs are nicer than others...)

Best thing we ever did was deciding to stop the ivf merry go round and get on with living.

Good luck!

Alltheusernamesaretaken321 Tue 23-May-17 10:31:14

Thanks, going to start a reading list and get ordering!

We're kicking our selves a bit as our house only has one spare bedroom...I was pregnant when we bought it (sadly in hospital having surgical management of a mmc on the day we should have got the keys) so I'm assuming we wouldn't be considered for siblings as we wouldn't have a bedroom for each.

For some reason I feel more drawn to adopting through an LA but maybe that's because I know the system with the LA. My husband's going to enquire on our behalf so I don't have to give my name. Our county has merged all the different adoption teams recently so I'm wondering if they'd allocate us to a neighbouring town perhaps.

tldr Tue 23-May-17 10:40:26

Don't wait to enquire if you feel ready now - took 3 months for us to get to info evening and another 8 for prep course!

I'm sure I've read before about people being assessed by neighbouring LAs rather than their own when they work for them/with them. Start a thread specifically about that if you want to try and find some people who've done that.

Alltheusernamesaretaken321 Tue 23-May-17 11:07:52

Thanks TLDR, we mustve crossed posts, didn't see the first one before I replied to polo.

That's exactly how we feel, we're on an endless cycle of hope, fear and loss! (And tbh the hope part has really dimished in the last year or so) I'd like to get off this merry go round even if it means getting on a different equally bumpy ride...hopefully a more linear one instead of one where we keep ending back in the same place...ideally a nice gentle one (I suspect we're actually joining the queue for the waltzers!)

It sounds awful but my most dominant feeling when we discovered the baby has stopped developing was relief! (Followed by guilt for feeling that way)

Will start a thread about adopting from neighbouring LAs smile

CrazyCatLaydee123 Tue 23-May-17 12:23:12

Another for your reading list - and near the top too as although it's realistic, it's also hilarious!
Sarah Naish - But he looks so normal

Alltheusernamesaretaken321 Tue 23-May-17 12:41:39

Fab, have just ordered that book crazy cat laydee and also ordered the sally Donovan unofficial guide to adoptive parenting 👍🏻

keeponrunning85 Tue 23-May-17 13:25:06


I've been reading this thread with interest. I had miscarriage number 4 a few weeks ago. I know that isn't that long, but DH and I have been discussing adoption for some time and I've done some initial reading. I have a structural abnormality of my uterus and realistically I think I need to try and pursue surgery on this and one last try before I'll be able to fully close the door on having our own family but I think it would very much be a last ditch attempt.

OP I know what you mean about being on a merry go round. And sadly the vague feeling of relief when finding out another pregnancy has failed. At least it removes the hideous anxiety of early pregnancy.

One of my worries if we do adopt is that a little part of me will always be envious of my friends who do have their own children. I'm curious as to hear others views on that. I fully accept the period of time between your last loss and starting the adoption process and plan to try and seek specialist counselling to help with this.

tldr Tue 23-May-17 13:31:05

IMO if you think you're going to be envious of people who 'have their own children' you still need to grieve/process/come to terms with the fact that you won't. It wouldn't be fair on an AC if you were to not be ready to love him as much as anyone else loves their DC. And in theory you wouldn't get through the process.

Something I've seen other people talk about is to stop framing it in terms of 'BC or AC' but instead 'AC or no C'.

Good luck and sorry for your losses flowers

Alltheusernamesaretaken321 Tue 23-May-17 14:48:14

I'm so sorry for your losses keeponrunning. It's just absolutely gut wrenching. I've now had 7 losses (mixture of MMC, natural MC and ectopic) it sounds to me as though you're not quite ready to close the door on ttc yet which is completely understandable. I say it a bit flippantly (that's just my style!) but when we were deciding to try one last medication my reasoning was that when I have an emotionally disregulated child screaming 'you're not even my real mum' I don't want to have any horrible thoughts of 'why didn't I take the f*cking medication?' Running through my head! Our clinic are very supportive and they're still telling us there are other options to try (NHS so not just after our money either) but I've found it surprisingly liberating to say 'We don't have to do this any more, we're done'

In terms of the being envious side of things, since we've let go of the idea of BC I've found it loads easier to deal with other people's pregnancies/babies and actually now feel pleased for them instead of crushing jealousy. In my head now I imagine our family starting at around toddler age. My extended family is made up of step children, blended families as well as foster children...all of them are accepted and treated as any other child in the family would be, even the ones who've arrived as teenagers...maybe that's helped me to see children who don't have a bio connection as 'our own'.

It's such a tough choice and the narrative of recurrent loss is very much 'follow your dreams, never give up and you WILL have a baby' I know that's true and statistically I probably would eventually get there (a family member lost 12 before her LO) but I don't actually have to do that to be a parent. The part of being a family that excites us and we want is to be able to help a little human being to grow and build a life worth living for them, whatever that looks like for that particular child. To some people the baby bit is hugely important but that's much less so for us.

I wish you lots of luck and peace with what ever the future brings...much like this board is full of wise veteran adopters I'm a wise old veteran of recurrent loss so more than happy to offer support and advice if you need it flowers

Alltheusernamesaretaken321 Tue 23-May-17 14:50:07

How have I ended up giving advice to someone on my own thread 🙈 Once a therapist always a bloody therapist 😂

keeponrunning85 Tue 23-May-17 16:05:02

tldr I 100% know I am not on that place yet, and would never begin going down the adoption route until I had made peace with not having a biological child, I just wonder how or when I would get to that place. If only someone had a crystal ball!

In my area it seems that there are good services available for counselling if you have failed fertility treatment but if you've had recurrent losses you seem to be on your own. I had some generic counselling about a year ago but to be honest it wasn't hugely helpful and I feel I need to find a counsellor with expertise in this area.

OP I'm glad you've come out the other side so to say, with accepting not having BC and that gives me hope that it will be possible for me too. We have been TTC for 2.5 years now. During that time I have managed to 'let go' of my original life plan/timescale for having a family and I do feel accepting of the fact that we will be starting our family later than I thought and later than our friends. Hopefully that is the first step in wider acceptance.

comehomemax Tue 23-May-17 18:47:17

Keepon, I reached that place of acceptance incrementally. Once we started discussing doner eggs etc it made us start to question whether we actually needed a genetic link with the child, in which case we were far more likely to fail and have no children or whether we simply wanted a family. One day we both realised we were actually excited by adoption and suddenly could see a path to having children and the reality of having a family totally took over from the pregnancy/ivf merry-go-round.

The relief of making the decision felt so right and I'm so, so relieved I found my son - he is utterly perfect for us. Even if I have been walking around all day with a couple of paw patrol stickers stuck to my arse without knowing.

Alltheusernamesaretaken321 Tue 23-May-17 19:04:59

That just made me actually laugh out loud! How old is your little one?

Keep on running, it's definitely been an incremental thing for us too...hence the reason for this post really...we feel ready but does that mean that we are ready iyswim? We started dipping a toe in the water around a year ago and researching adoption from a parenting POV and found that we gradually started to get excited about it and less enthusiastic about ttc. I've had three miscarriages since then. You're right when you say there's little emotional support for recurrent miscarriage. I've asked to see the counsellor who deals with moving on after fertility treatment at the NHS clinic in our area but been told no because I'm not infertile?! I guess because 70% of people who suffer RPL eventually have a healthy baby it's not seen as a priority. What about the 30% of us who don't?? Feels very cruel. I totally agree with what you say about changing expectations...we fell pregnant first go 3 years ago and thought this whole baby making thing was a naive we were...we've now had friends who've had baby number 2 now and we were pregnant the first time before their baby number 1 was a twinkle in their eye! Three years is short compared to people who struggle with infertility for years and years...but blimey o'reilly it's been an intense and heartbreaking three years! Been ttc, pregnant or miscarrying and grieving for I'm that whole's been relentless!

If you don't mind me asking are your recurrent miscarriage clinic supportive and proactive?

Alltheusernamesaretaken321 Tue 23-May-17 19:13:13

Also, in terms of counselling/emotional support I actually paid to do an 8 week MBCT course (mindfulness based cognitive therapy) last year with money from a tax rebate (it was £250) but it really helped me to find some acceptance that I really have no control over what happens in terms of ttc and acceptance that there's no way of knowing how this will all pan out. Might not be for everyone but it really helped me to find 'me' felt like it wasn't really much use initially and felt a bit woolley and hippyish but by the end the difference was really quite profound. It's a big commitment as you have to do 45 mins-1.5 hrs mindfulness practice every day through the course which was sometimes the last thing I wanted to do but it was well worth it.

Bingybongboo Tue 23-May-17 19:44:06

I work for local authority and would be involved in care proceedings etc. We decided to go to neighbouring L.A. maybe best to call your L.A. and ask what they recommend. Good luck. The journey to motherhood is sometimes a painful one sad

Alltheusernamesaretaken321 Tue 23-May-17 20:09:51

That's what I was thinking. Thank you, It really has been painful and I know I'm not alone in that (although sometimes feels very lonely)

It's so heartening to hear from people who've walked this long road and now have a family of their own!

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