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using the word 'adoption' as a negative

(24 Posts)
UnderTheNameOfSanders Thu 11-May-17 21:58:31

After 10 years the word adoption has been used to my DD2, 12, as a negative / insult. It has floored me on how to tell her to respond if it happens again.

She's not very good at Art, and one of the boys in her class said to her 'that's an adoption picture' which DD (and I) have taken to mean he was implying something negative. It sounds like this kind of thing has happened once or twice before too.

DD never had any problems at primary, it was open knowledge in her class and there were never any issues.

She's not very articulate, or confident, and is physically quite small. Do I suggest ignore, respond 'that's rude / mean / upsetting', talk to pastoral care, or what?

Ketzele Thu 11-May-17 22:20:55

wtf - is 'adoption' the new 'gay'?

donquixotedelamancha Thu 11-May-17 22:51:44

I'm a teacher and I've never encountered it. Its too niche to become like 'gay' or 'Jew', they only became ubiquitous because of South Park. I'd ignore, but if it happens again, I'd ask for an intervention because it's probably specific, directed unpleasantness.

I'd also reinforce that adoption is a normal thing, no big deal and that your DD was chosen and is loved.

SomeOtherFuckers Thu 11-May-17 23:58:03

Sounds like he meant 'adaption' implying he meant she cipher someone? Never heard it

SomeOtherFuckers Thu 11-May-17 23:58:37

Copied not cipher confused

luckylucky24 Fri 12-May-17 05:36:13

I would suggest she ask him for an explanation if she can. "What exactly does that mean?" If he says it means what you think it does and is using it as an insult then "oh so you did mean to be an ass rude" would probably shut him up.

UnderThenameOfSanders Fri 12-May-17 08:38:58

I definitely don't think it is a 'generic' comment, if DD reported correctly (and she's usually reliable) then I think it will have been a specific directed comment aimed at her.

I think I agree that a 'what do you mean?' is a good first response.

She's been doing work on emotions recently, so now I wonder whether there has been more happening and now she's opening up.

Probably over thinking.

Thanks all.

angryladyboobs Fri 12-May-17 09:31:21

If someone says that just tell her to say 'yes I am, my parents chose me. Your parents got stuck with you'

tldr Fri 12-May-17 10:18:48

If she reported it correctly and it was specific to her it's bullying. Have you any faith that the school could step in appropriately?

crispandcheesesandwichplease Fri 12-May-17 14:05:41

OP my AD has been bullied about being adopted. It happens in fits and starts. She is also 12. It's been happening on and off since primary and the word 'adopted' has been used deliberately and cruelly. It's use is, i think, to suggest that there's something wrong with her that made her birth parents reject her.

There's also the awful 'adoption song' that other kids sing, it goes something like, "your mum, your dad, the ones you never had . . . "

It's vile and I always speak to school about it when it arises. They have been great at dealing with perpetrators and made them apologise directly to her. Those who have refused to apologise have had a phone call from school to parents.

I brought this up a while ago on here, the risk of children knowing early on that they are adopted then broadcasting it without realising it might be used to torment them.

As another poster said earlier, I advised my DD to respond with 'at least I know my parents wanted me'. It's shit and mean and picks at what is often a very raw wound for adopted kids who are already struggling with a sense of rejection and low self-esteem.

Please speak to school about it. They have a duty of care to your DD the same as if she were being subjected to racist/religious/homophobic etc comments.

delilabell Sat 13-May-17 14:57:25

It's used as an insult at the school on work at. Used in the same context as "gay"

UnderTheNameOfSanders Sat 13-May-17 16:25:17

delila Seriously? I hope that's not what's happening here.

I will need to wait until DD is in a responsive mood and chat to her again.

I don't consider this is bullying unless it turns out to be Several Times On Purpose (STOP), but Once On Purpose (OOP!) is still being mean.

She won't have the confidence for 'smart' replies, but should be able to say stuff like 'could you repeat that' or 'what do you mean'

delilabell Sun 14-May-17 01:45:54

Yes sadly. I put the students into their place with it and as a school it's severely reprimanded. I prefer making the students feel genuinely uncomfortable about it by asking them why they are using my son as an insult. Soon shuts them up.

C0RAL Sun 14-May-17 16:43:21

If this is the second of third time it's happened from the same child ( or the same group of children ) I'd raise it with the school . But that's just me.

Italiangreyhound Sun 14-May-17 17:14:50

Personally, I would not encourage 'smart' answers. I would encourage no response to ignorant did who is looking for instant response.

But agreed with Coral to report to school.

Italiangreyhound Sun 14-May-17 17:15:53

Ignorant sod ( the meanie)

UnderTheNameOfSanders Sun 14-May-17 17:18:28

If, when I can get DD in a frame of mind that she'll tell me more details, it is clear that this is a repeated issue, I will definitely have words with the school. I have confidence that they would deal with it sensibly as their pastoral care is very good.

Italiangreyhound Sun 14-May-17 17:47:09

Hope so.

Lots of reassurance from you will be great. I find that even though we love them to bits and think they know it, we still need to keep saying it!

The reason I think smart relies don't help is because they may elicit a debate on benefits of adoptive over birth families which could lead to further mean comments.

Your dd Doran't need to listen to this boys deal, she can be dismissive without inviting further comment. Maybe ask her how she would feel comfortable doing that. Saying her own (all be it) pre-prepared words may come easier than trying to remember what she has been told to say. But you cannot help her formulate it.

I'd be tempted to go with. 'Not interested in your opinions.' And turning dismissively away from this horrid boy. Not running off (assuming she is safe) but making it clear he is tithead and she is not interested in his witterings!

Good luck. flowers

Italiangreyhound Sun 14-May-17 17:47:50

Hope so that the pastoral support is good, I mean.

Italiangreyhound Sun 14-May-17 17:49:36

Good Lord, typos!

You can help her formulate it.

UnderThenameOfSanders Sun 14-May-17 20:03:58

I have confidence in pastoral care as DD1 used it a lot, DD2 has used it a bit already, plus member of SLT is an adopter!

Yolande7 Wed 17-May-17 21:20:39

What does that boy know about adoption? Is he scared he might be adopted? Does he dislike your daughter and just tried to get to her? Why does he dislike her? Where is he in the pecking order? I would involve the teacher and try to figure out what is happening.

UnderTheNameOfSanders Thu 18-May-17 12:26:29

Well, DD has spoken with her tutor (!) she came home with a quote 'sold to your adoptive parents' written in her planner. So we had a little chat...

It is clearly bothering her for her to have told the tutor. I think she is a bit bemused, she knows it's not right, but can't grasp the motivation behind it.

The trouble is, she's still not very clear about who is saying what and when, so not a lot to go on. Tutor and I have both said to tell us if anything else is said. She doesn't 'do' dealing with hard emotions so I need to go very carefully otherwise she just clams up.

Unfortunately Yolande as this is secondary it isn't really a case of 'the teacher' otherwise I would.

I am meeting the tutor for the first time next week at parents evening (changed mid year) so I may raise it then.

Italiangreyhound Fri 19-May-17 08:46:01

Good idea to raise with tutor. DD is now st high school, year 7, and the tuna group ,as she calls it, is very significant to her.

When she was year 4 a class mate Said we had stolen her little brother. I spoke to the school and they spoke to the horrible stirer child.

Can you talk to her about why children might be nasty, and just get her to tell you any names of children who have said it while driving/washing up/going for a walk etc. So that she is not face to face with you, less threatening etc. and not over react etc.

I know you know all this but good to be reminded! Hopefully. Just be nonchalant!

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