After 10 years the word adoption has been used to my DD2, 12, as a negative / insult. It has floored me on how to tell her to respond if it happens again.
She's not very good at Art, and one of the boys in her class said to her 'that's an adoption picture' which DD (and I) have taken to mean he was implying something negative. It sounds like this kind of thing has happened once or twice before too.
DD never had any problems at primary, it was open knowledge in her class and there were never any issues.
She's not very articulate, or confident, and is physically quite small. Do I suggest ignore, respond 'that's rude / mean / upsetting', talk to pastoral care, or what?
I'm a teacher and I've never encountered it. Its too niche to become like 'gay' or 'Jew', they only became ubiquitous because of South Park. I'd ignore, but if it happens again, I'd ask for an intervention because it's probably specific, directed unpleasantness.
I'd also reinforce that adoption is a normal thing, no big deal and that your DD was chosen and is loved.
I would suggest she ask him for an explanation if she can. "What exactly does that mean?" If he says it means what you think it does and is using it as an insult then "oh so you did mean to be an ass rude" would probably shut him up.
OP my AD has been bullied about being adopted. It happens in fits and starts. She is also 12. It's been happening on and off since primary and the word 'adopted' has been used deliberately and cruelly. It's use is, i think, to suggest that there's something wrong with her that made her birth parents reject her.
There's also the awful 'adoption song' that other kids sing, it goes something like, "your mum, your dad, the ones you never had . . . "
It's vile and I always speak to school about it when it arises. They have been great at dealing with perpetrators and made them apologise directly to her. Those who have refused to apologise have had a phone call from school to parents.
I brought this up a while ago on here, the risk of children knowing early on that they are adopted then broadcasting it without realising it might be used to torment them.
As another poster said earlier, I advised my DD to respond with 'at least I know my parents wanted me'. It's shit and mean and picks at what is often a very raw wound for adopted kids who are already struggling with a sense of rejection and low self-esteem.
Please speak to school about it. They have a duty of care to your DD the same as if she were being subjected to racist/religious/homophobic etc comments.
Yes sadly. I put the students into their place with it and as a school it's severely reprimanded. I prefer making the students feel genuinely uncomfortable about it by asking them why they are using my son as an insult. Soon shuts them up.
If, when I can get DD in a frame of mind that she'll tell me more details, it is clear that this is a repeated issue, I will definitely have words with the school. I have confidence that they would deal with it sensibly as their pastoral care is very good.
Lots of reassurance from you will be great. I find that even though we love them to bits and think they know it, we still need to keep saying it!
The reason I think smart relies don't help is because they may elicit a debate on benefits of adoptive over birth families which could lead to further mean comments.
Your dd Doran't need to listen to this boys deal, she can be dismissive without inviting further comment. Maybe ask her how she would feel comfortable doing that. Saying her own (all be it) pre-prepared words may come easier than trying to remember what she has been told to say. But you cannot help her formulate it.
I'd be tempted to go with. 'Not interested in your opinions.' And turning dismissively away from this horrid boy. Not running off (assuming she is safe) but making it clear he is tithead and she is not interested in his witterings!
What does that boy know about adoption? Is he scared he might be adopted? Does he dislike your daughter and just tried to get to her? Why does he dislike her? Where is he in the pecking order? I would involve the teacher and try to figure out what is happening.
Well, DD has spoken with her tutor (!) she came home with a quote 'sold to your adoptive parents' written in her planner. So we had a little chat...
It is clearly bothering her for her to have told the tutor. I think she is a bit bemused, she knows it's not right, but can't grasp the motivation behind it.
The trouble is, she's still not very clear about who is saying what and when, so not a lot to go on. Tutor and I have both said to tell us if anything else is said. She doesn't 'do' dealing with hard emotions so I need to go very carefully otherwise she just clams up.
Unfortunately Yolande as this is secondary it isn't really a case of 'the teacher' otherwise I would.
I am meeting the tutor for the first time next week at parents evening (changed mid year) so I may raise it then.
Good idea to raise with tutor. DD is now st high school, year 7, and the tuna group ,as she calls it, is very significant to her.
When she was year 4 a class mate Said we had stolen her little brother. I spoke to the school and they spoke to the horrible stirer child.
Can you talk to her about why children might be nasty, and just get her to tell you any names of children who have said it while driving/washing up/going for a walk etc. So that she is not face to face with you, less threatening etc. and not over react etc.
I know you know all this but good to be reminded! Hopefully. Just be nonchalant!