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foster to adopt

(13 Posts)
user1493292590 Thu 27-Apr-17 12:38:57

Hi, i need some advice. We have been put forward for fostering to adopt. We had a call just over week and a half ago about a little boy that was suitable for us. Had no info other than brief birth parents info, dob of baby and that he is ok. we were told to go and buy everything we needed as they were very sure that the baby would be placed with us on Monday. It didn't happen and we were told before if this was the case then they would be going for adoption in 3 wks. During this I have had to prepare my birth child for this who has gone through so many emotions and then had to let him down. I have been trying to get more info from social workers and am getting very little. Have managed to find out that the adoption hearing is not in 3 weeks but in June, and got told that by the way if they have to remove baby before then he will be coming to us. Have asked that as it is going to adoption can we have more info on the baby, but they won't give us any. I am finding this very distressing and feel terrible that i have put my son through this. Have a house full of baby stuff that I am struggling to even look at. I know there are legalities but where is the support and help for prospective adopters? Thanks x

Rosieandtim Thu 27-Apr-17 13:46:15

I'm sorry you're struggling.

Was this not explained as the nature of FtA? I would not FtA with a birth child, as the uncertainties are too great. What were you told about the pros and cons of FtA?

user1493292590 Thu 27-Apr-17 14:13:05

Thanks for replying. We was made aware that it may not happen but it had been put to us that they were 99.9% certain the lo would be placed with us. We were due to attend a foster to adopt course but this has come up before the course. I have also been doing a bit of research on internet and it looks like a lot of foster to adopt involve new born babies or really young. This lo is nearly a year old. With reagards to the effect on my birth son the social workers have shown very little interest. We got told at our last review to tell him that we are helping a mummy out and the child will be with us for a while. I don't think that my son has really understood and bought that. I feel so very bad as to how he is feeling.

luckylucky24 Thu 27-Apr-17 15:18:58

It doesn't sound like you have been well prepared for FTA.
We point blank refused to consider due to having a BC. A friend recently had to return a baby to birth family after caring for her for 6 months (from 2 days old!). There are so many uncertainties surrounding this. I think you need to seek advice from SS about how you can adequately support your son through this. Is there the option to just adopt? This would be less confusing for your BC.

Rosieandtim Thu 27-Apr-17 17:12:54

Why are you going down the FtA route? What pros are there for you?

user1493292590 Thu 27-Apr-17 20:29:07

That's a good question and one I keep asking myself. When we was asked if we would consider it we were 2 years into being approved and waiting. Our social workers asked if we would consider it. It was made to sound not too bad but with risks. The one that we were told was that the child could be returned but in their experience it is very rare. We told them that our main concern is our son. We were told that most people get around if by telling their children that they are helping a mummy in need out and the child is living with us for a short time. It didn't seem too bad, when our social worker came last week if seemed pretty certain that the child would be placed with us. Now I am wondering if he ever will, it's too risky and I think we will have to pull out. I am in bits about this, feel so guilty for my son and for the little one that may come. I am also angry because I don't think we have been prepared well enough for this.

Rosieandtim Thu 27-Apr-17 22:10:11

How will your son ever bond with a FtA baby as a sibling, if you're just "helping their mum out"? The love and bond between my two DSs was instant, beautiful, and helped many difficult situations. They are brothers. That just wouldn't have happened with FtA.

I thought FtA was discouraged with children already in the family, unless it was a genetic sibling. For very good reason.

user1493292590 Fri 28-Apr-17 13:52:13

Just to let you know that we have contacted social workers letting them know that we don't wish to proceed. The risks are too high when I have my son to think of. Back to the long adoption wait I think.

Pookythebear Fri 28-Apr-17 14:07:54

I'm sorry to hear you've had a struggle with SS in this and it sounds like, in this instance, you've done the right thing.

I wanted to give you a positive story on FtA. We did this last year with our DS who was 2 months old at the time of the 'foster' and he was 8 months old by the time we got to court to adopt him. We also have another son, who was 3 at the time. In our case we wouldn't have considered it had we not had an exceptionally good team of social workers who knew the case inside out and gave us huge confidence that it would work out.

If anyone is considering FtA I'd recommend bombarding your potential match SW with question after question and if it even gets a whiff of being uncertain I would hold out for a straightforward adoption.

Im glad we did it but DS2 case was 'unusual' (social workers words) and although so very worth it - I'm not sure I'd have the nerve to do it again!!

user1493292590 Fri 28-Apr-17 14:48:55

Am glad to hear you have had a positive experience. It was really put to us that ours would be very straight forward but there seems to many risks for us now. I have been asking questions but don't get much back. Didn't get much of a response when I told them we wanted to stop either

Pookythebear Fri 28-Apr-17 16:55:12

What a shame, if they'd been more forthcoming with the facts and answering your questions it could've been a different outcome for all. I hope it all works out for you, OP. I'm sure it will smile

Rosieandtim Fri 28-Apr-17 18:43:42

I really hope you find your child soon. The wait is so hard.

tictoc76 Fri 28-Apr-17 21:27:31

We did foster to adopt with our youngest. I told the older kids (6, 3 and 1 at the time) that his birth mother was having a last chance to try and learn how to look after him and if she couldn't do that he was going to become part of our family. my oldest worried a lot about it, he didn't tell anyone in his class about the youngest as he didn't know if he was staying. He also worried a lot about how birth mother was going to cope if she couldn't have baby back - I had to have some quite honest discussions with him about what was best for the baby and not the birth mother.

Also - I had quite a few false starts from SW's too but luckily decided not to tell the kids until baby was on his way. In the end we found out he was coming a few hours before he actually arrived.

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