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HELP - everything has gone wrong

(13 Posts)
oiaue Mon 24-Apr-17 21:56:57


Struggling to know where to place this message - adoption? Donor? Infertility?

Twins were a stillbirth and a neonatal death. Then an early miscarriage five months later. TTC for a few months last year before asking for the help that was freely offered without needing to have gone through many months of failure because of my age and history of loss.

So, we launch into the months of investigations in prep for IVF, get to the crunch and NOW the husband leaves.

As if that wasn't bad enough, there's something 'lurking' in my womb and I'm waiting for an MRI, possibly a hysteroscopy after that.

I'm 41. What are my chances? I want to be a mum more than I want him back in my life (which is never going to happen anyway). How can I do this alone?

I can take some harsh realities - plenty of those around. But dear oh dear, I wish there was some true hope out there too. False hope, you can keep.

Thank you in advance...

Cammysmoma Mon 24-Apr-17 22:04:14

I want to cry for you 😩 How could he do that to you! Have you looked into sperm donor routes? Surrogacy? Although in the U.K. I'm sure legally you can't be a lone parent when seeking surrogacy.

I think first and foremost you need to see what's going on in your womb before you continue your journey to motherhood. Put your health first. But I would make sure and get some of those eggs frozen so you don't miss out on your chance.

I wish you all the best. Big hugs

C0RA Mon 24-Apr-17 23:46:19

If you apply to adopt they will make you wait for at least a year. To resolve possible health problems first AND end your assisted conception treatment ( if that's what you decide to do ) AND grieve the end of your marriage. And sort out legal side of divorce etc as you can't adopt as one half of a married couple.

So you have time to deal with these issues and explore other options first.

Sorry you are having such an awful time. I hope you have good friends and family round about you for support.

So what are your chances of adopting - is that what you are asking ?

Someone I know aged 50 and widowed has just adopted a ( high risk) toddler.

Another single woman ( never married ) in her early 40s just adopted a young baby ( under 12 months when placed ) through concurrent planning ( so you are just fostering at first and baby could go back to birth family so it's risky).

So it's possible if you have a year or two, are mentally very tough and can accept quite a lot of risk. As a single white woman ( assumption I know ) in her 40s with complications - you won't be anyone's first choice for a low risk new born baby.

Your best bet for one of these is to have one yourself if you can .

Sorry to be so blunt but you did ask for honesty and no false hope.

oiaue Tue 25-Apr-17 08:05:41

Hi Cammysmoma and Cora

I don't think at the moment I'd go with surrogacy - at least it's not a route I've considered. Sounds like I wouldn't be able to anyway.

Donor sperm I've thought about. Not averse but not in a financial position to yet (could be, though, but when and by then will I have any hope of conceiving?).

You're right - the uterine scan is first up in any of this. The potential problem may make it difficult for me to carry to full term. If it's not something more sinister, I'd still be viable for implantation but they'd reduce the number of embryos to reduce the risk of me losing more multiples.

I'll ask about all options including egg-freezing possibility at my next appointment, which will be after the scan. It all just takes so long...

Cora, I appreciate your bluntness. I'm not sure I understand what a high or low risk child is - you mean the risk of them being returned to family? Does being white come into this? Can you be more explicit about my "complications"? I'm sorry if I'm being thick - I really know very little about any of these things. I got pregnant twice and only tried once (before getting back on the bus briefly last year) - this is all new to me.

Thank you.

Cammysmoma Tue 25-Apr-17 08:29:33

Yeah you're right about surrogacy. The legal dealings with it are quite intricate. However, possible.

When is your scan? I think after that you should discuss freezing your eggs so that you are maximising your chances of becoming a mum (biologically)

I was told 7 years ago that both my tubes were blocked and I'd always have to go through the IVF route but I fell pregnant with my DS last year. There is hope for you.

My neighbour is 43 and just had her first child through sperm donation. I can't remember the costs of it but £500 sticks out in my mind.

All the best, I hope the scan goes well

Mama1980 Tue 25-Apr-17 08:33:29

Hi I'm so sorry for your losses and that you find yourself in this situation.
To adopt as a single parent you would need to be divorced, you would also need to have stopped all fertility treatment for at least a year (this varies depending on the LA) and be deemed to have made peace with not having a biologically child. How SS determine is also varies but they may need you to take more time or access support.
To answer a couple of questions a high risk child is generally a older one who potentially has issues such FAS or who have experienced higher levels of trauma.
White comes into it as to put it bluntly there are more children with different skin colours than there are white children and therefore there is a shortage of non white adopters as SS like to match a ethnic background if they can.
As a 40 + white single adopter I would suggest you would be looking at a higher risk older child. But you would not be top of the list. Sorry to be blunt but you did say you wanted the truth.
It is possible though I have a friend who adopted two children at 3 and 5 as a single parent at age 40 the children in this case do have significant issues but several years later it is working out well for all concerned.
I wish you all the best with your scan.

B1rdonawire Tue 25-Apr-17 11:04:48

I'm so sorry things are so hard right now. I guess you are looking for encouragement that there are still genuine routes open to you, and there are.

I think by high or low risk, Cora refers to the likely outcomes for the child needing an adoptive family - whether there are known health conditions or expected complications (that might include security risks from birth family, or risks of developing particular conditions as a result of behaviours during pregnancy etc). In terms of whether you as a potential adopter would be high or low risk, your assessment would look at a range of factors and work with you to think about what would best support a child (things like your own health, finances, other commitments).

Adoption without a partner is very possible, but it is so early to be considering it as one of your options. Perhaps for now, just know that it is a path you could explore, and not one you need to rule out.

motherchuckinhen16 Tue 25-Apr-17 14:08:53

So sorry to hear of all the heartache you have been through on your way to becoming a mum. It's so unfair how hard it can be for some of us. I have also endured years of TTC including ivf and miscarriage. I have also fostered, and so know the care system pretty well.
I would look into all possible options for becoming a birth mum before going down the adoption route. There are many options if you can carry, including donor sperm and double donor embryo donation etc. Going abroad is more affordable and a good option there are many clinics that treat single women, Serum in Greece would be my choice. There are also choices for surrogacy abroad if you are unable to carry, Manor IVF have many options too.
I wish you so much luck and really hope you can become a mum x

Blossomdeary Tue 25-Apr-17 14:18:16

Adoption can be brilliant. But it is worth recognising that there are very few newborns available for adoption nowadays. The children who are available tend to be a bit older and to have baggage in the form of drug damage in utero, traumatic life experiences and sets of siblings who need to be adopted together. But that does not mean that you should not look into it; but it helps if you go into those inquiries with your eyes open.

I am sorry that your life has been full of such unhappy things in the recent past and wish you lots of luck with whatever route you choose.

Allington Tue 25-Apr-17 14:32:38

Not much to add to the above, except my sympathy, and to say that I know several single women in their 40s who have adopted older children and it's working well (I'm one of them grin).

Bear in mind that, because development is quite variable and the home environment can be changed to suit a little child, many problems only become apparent once in school. So an older child with established diagnoses might a) give you a better sense from day 1 of what the issues are, b) save you the fight for a diagnosis, and c) come with a package of support. Plus, if they're school age there is the possibility of fitting in work around school hours.

If those adopted as a baby (who will be high-risk because they wouldn't have been removed otherwise) turn out to have significant challenges (as many do) but the adoption order is finalised, then you are very much on your own dealing with it.

So, for many single parents an older child can be a good choice. The statistics do show a higher level of breakdown of the adoption the older the children.

But it very much comes down to individual children and individual parents, so don't dismiss the thought immediately.

staveleymum Tue 25-Apr-17 14:38:36

Not sure about the being divorced before being able to adopt. My DB and his wife had a foster to adopt DD and 3 months after they got her (just before her first birthday) my SIL left my DB, taking children with her.

Social Services didnt know what to do.... my DB didnt want to proceed with adoption in a broken home. SIL has gone on to adopt the DD on her own (all finalised in court). They are still married and havent started divorce proceedings yet so I'd say its not a foregone conclusion re divorce prior to adoption.

C0RAL Wed 26-Apr-17 14:21:10

That's interesting , I didn't think the courts could grant an order to one half a of a married couple , except in a step parent adoption or if one was mentally incompetent. Unlike unmarried couples.

Anyway that's not revelant to the Op as no agency will asses her for at least a year until her health and living situation are stable.

comehomemax Wed 26-Apr-17 22:38:26

OP, I'm so sorry for your losses and that you are in such turmoil.
Adoption isn't for everyone and you may discount it in the future however I wanted to reassure you - your age won't be a barrier and neither will being single. You have time to consider all your options so don't worry about your age in particular when considering adoption.

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