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Family background?(12 Posts)
We Have just made an initial enquiry with our LA and have been invited to attend an information evening.
I have even doing a bit of research into how the SW would look into our backgrounds. Mine is relatively straight forward (mum, dad has passed away, 1 full sibling, 1half sibling) but my DH's is very complex. He had a difficult up bringing, parents divorced, bought up by mum and step dad, lost his mum at a young age, has no real relationship with his BD or SD now and hasn't met a number of his half siblings. He has a half sister from his mums side that he is close to but a half brother from his mum that he hasn't spoken to in years. He felt very rejected over the situation when he lost his mum and carried on making a life with just limited family involved. He was young and hurt. He spent time homeless and went through a very difficult time.
I know the SW will probe this...DH knows this too. He has waited his whole life for what is to him 'a proper family' and he feels that he has that now with me and my 3 BC (and anyone else that comes into our family). I feel he has a lot to offer based on his experience and don't want this to be looked on negatively. He made the decisions he felt right at the time and he has no regrets. I don't want anyone to try and make him suddenly have a relationship with these people all these years later? I honestly believe in my heart that his difficult background has made him the accepting, open, loving and grounded person that he is now and despite everything he went through he is a really wonderful step dad to my 3 children.
Anyone else being a difficult past with them on their adoption journey? Thanks in advance x
I should also mention that my DH has had counselling a fair few years ago and is at peace with everything.
I think in some ways the more shit you've been through, survived, processed and come out the other side the better.
I worried because i'm nc with my sil and we've had rows with the family. It was the first thing i launched into with our sw. The positives were that we could see both sides of how things had happened. And like your DH we'd had counselling.
If you can look at it as an experience he can draw on to help his kids then it's a positive. If he clams up and can't talk about difficult times/ sad feelings then alarm bells might ring because he won't be able to help your kids do the same iyswim.
I have the same kinda of background, my social worker said so long as I can prove Iv able to care for the child and have a support network it won't be a problem.
I also have to prove I'm able to safeguard a child against some of my family members.
Don't let this panic you
Thank you JustHappy3!!
He is open with me about his past and often talks about certain points and I have no doubt that he could be just as open and honest with the SW for the sake of the adoption...however it's not something that he speaks openly about with anyone else. However I know that he won't want to suddenly meet up with half siblings/try and make relationships after all this time. They are not part of his life...we officially get married in 5 weeks and not a single member of his 'family' are coming (wedding is abroad and his only close relatives e.g. gran and sister can't fly due to health) and nobody else has even acknowledged it. It would be so false of him to suddenly try and rebuild that when it would be for the wrong reasons.
Will they expect him to physically try and build bridges etc? Or is it just about SW being sure that he has dealt with it all and can be a good dad to an AC? I have absolutely no doubt that he could empathise/understand to some degree (every situation is so different). This is already evident in his relationship with my children and how he handles situations with my ex husband/the kids often ask him questions about his dad/family and he is always open with them too.
Sorry for the long rambly posts...it's daunting knowing that someone will look so deeply!
We were under no pressure to build bridges at all. It didn't even come up. I think they asked our referees about it/the causes from hints they gave.
DH has half siblings that he wouldn't even recognise if he passed them in the street.
They asked us to put them on the family tree but didn't expect us to start making contact with them. They took a view of asking DH whether he thought it important to maintain relationships and his views on the lack of relationships in this scenario.
I was asked to include my half siblings on my family tree but after a brief explanation of the fact we are nc, they weren't brought up again & there certainly wasn't any suggestion of the SW contacting them.
SW was also very positive about me previously having counselling in our PAR, shows that we are able to ask for help when needed.
They are looking for people who can provide safe loving care for vulnerable children. That means people who understand potentially complex familial ties and feelings and can help children to make sense of them. If your dh is truly at peace with his background and will be able to help children (who might approach situations which seem similar to some of his own in very different ways) then he's ideally placed to adopt.
They'd be a fairly long way out of their remit if they tried to encourage a reunion of any kind. They're not Cilla Black...
Eh has a similar life story and although it the SW was quite probing during assessment, it was fine and in fact seen as a positive that DH had experienced rejection so could draw from that experience to help an AC. Go for it!
They will probably focus on the 3 birth children to ensure you will be able to manage the needs of a 4th adopted child as much as exploring family relationships.
My DH also has complicated relationships and they explored it but more from the position of how he deals with the emotions and whether a child might trigger feelings of rejection if they pushed those buttons.
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