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Adoption and Wedding

(8 Posts)
beefqueen Thu 13-Apr-17 15:25:34

First post - please be gentle!

My fiancé and I have been thinking about adopting for some time. We had our initial meeting (at home) today and experienced all the usual stresses/worries reported on here (the house was spotless!).

Our social worker reported back that we have no vulnerabilities and presented as a very strong couple. But... we're getting married in November (honeymoon at Christmas) and she mentioned that this is normally a "red flag" for our LA.

Now she's just emailed back, reiterating how happy she was - but that they won't let us start Stage 1 until after the wedding. We're both really disappointed: we think we have the time available (the SW discussed extending Stage 1 and we've done a lot of the preparation for the wedding already); and we think we might now miss the first Stage 1 course for our local area. More basically, it's now about a year to wait!

Also, we moved to the local area about a year ago (we now live about an hour from London, where we used to live). We have friends just over an hour away but the SW stressed that they will want people who can pop round on demand in case things get stressful. During our home visit the SW said that they would help us build these networks during Stage 1 - but by email she kept on going on about building networks and also getting more childcare experience.

Now we're wondering - is the wedding thing normal? (And should we consider another agency?) And does it sound like the LA is rowing back from being so positive or are they just being helpful (and giving us homework to do in the meantime)?

Sorry for long post - I'm surprised myself by just how disappointed I am!


MoomooMummy01 Thu 13-Apr-17 16:07:47

Hi! I've just posted as we are about to start our journey too. I referred to my fiancé as my DH in the post as we are so close to our wedding as it's 6 weeks away! We initially enquired 6 months ago but our LA also would not let us start until the wedding was done!

The support network is a little concern for me as we don't have any family (we do have friends). I spent 4 years as a single parent to my 3 children and got by with the support network that I have...I appreciate adoption may present different issues along the way.

Good luck with your journey 😊

Alljamissweet Thu 13-Apr-17 17:16:35

Sw's like your focus to be on adoption alone so a wedding would be a red flag to them.
The network, Sw make a big thing about this too and it is very important to have people around who will help you at the drop of a hat but in my opinion, you haven't met those people yet smile the whole network thing changes when you're lo arrives but you have to show willing.
Volunteering at beavers, helping at a nursery or infant school might be good too but maybe try not to be choose the one you'll send your lo to, in case you don't want to let everyone know your child is adopted.....
I suspect you'd get similar responses from most la's I'm afraid.
Ours delayed us as we were building a house or rather the builder was which I found ultra annoying [annoy]
It will happen, the world of adoption is so frustrating before and after placement but it's worthwhile wink

luckylucky24 Thu 13-Apr-17 17:35:24

Friends of hours had wait until the wedding was out of the way too. It does make sense when you consider both are quite stressful.

user1485155939 Thu 13-Apr-17 21:39:30

I don't usually post on here (I just like to be nosey!) But I just want to give you some reassurance! We went to our initial meeting in August 2014 and started stage 1 straight away, we made no secret of the fact we were getting married September 2015 (infact I think our sw was sick of hearing about our wedding 🙈) anyway we got through stage one and two and approved in May 2015 and then things stopped - our sw wanted us to concentrate on our wedding (wedding and adoption both massive commitments and loads to think about and do in their own way!) we got married, had an incredible day, went on honeymoon, came back and a week later our sw was sat in front of us with two different profiles! Our children came home December 2015 and the past year and a half has been the most stressful, crazy, happy, mind blowing time of our lives but we wouldn't change it for the world.

I can't comment on the support network because we are incredibly lucky and we do appreciate that but you will always find a way.

I just wanted you to have hope from someone that has been in a similar position and show you that it can have a positive outcome 😊

All I will say, whatever happens keep talking to each other and sharing your thoughts. Have a fabulous wedding and good luck with your adoption journey 😊

CrazyCatLaydee123 Fri 14-Apr-17 08:47:06

It is massively frustrating having to wait, I know from experience that it is like waiting for your life to start!

Having both got married and adopted (separately) - both are massive, life-changing experiences. You won't be able to enjoy either one fully if you take on toour much at once and are stressed to the hilt. I think your SW has done you a favour, which you will only be able to appreciate when it's all over and you are looking back.

With regards to support network, it is worth sowing the seeds now. We thought we had a good support network, had been actively cultivating it - making good friends with fellow adopters, prepping already friends and family, purposefully working on relationships of acquaintances with kids!

But the true meaning of support network struck us when I had such bad tonsillitis 8 weeks in that I could barely move/talk (and having kids around plus stress, bound to happen). I couldn't dress myself, let alone 2 kids under 5. I couldn't talk to reassure them as to what was happening either, and I certainly wasn't capable of driving them to school. So my husband had to take 2 days off as dependants leave, just to do what I normally do day in day out, because there was nobody else! And then it turned out he didn't get paid at all for those days... grrr, but I digress.
Our inlaws are moving up, but their buyers keep pulling out angry And I now appreciate them all the more for going happy to move 160 miles for us.

Italiangreyhound Sun 14-May-17 23:59:36

beefqueen how are you feeling now?

I think the time will fly by and the following months can be a chance to get childcare experience and build up a network.

It may be that your network does change, but at least you are showing willing.

Remember you are not necessarily choosing people who you would trust with your new children, but people who could drive to the shops for you for urgent food or medical supplies, people you can talk to and share with about things and in that sense offload.

Good luck.

highinthesky Fri 19-May-17 08:58:00

I think SWs like the environment to be as stable and uncluttered as possible.

The having a strong local network in a place you have recently moved to is a tough one, though.

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