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Overreacting?

(20 Posts)
IveGotArmsSweetie Wed 12-Apr-17 00:31:32

Long time lurker and occasional poster here.

I've kept in touch with FC since adopting DS and am aware that various members of BF have contacted her from time to time in the past to try and get info.

I've just had an email from FC passing on a message from birth mum to us. They thought it would be 'easier than doing letterbox' apparently. It feels really inappropriate, intrusive and took me by surprise that FC agreed to contact us on her behalf. I feel quite upset about it and it makes me wonder whether there is more contact between FC and BF than I realised and whether I have been foolish to send pics.

BF were considered enough of a risk for us not to be allowed to meet them before we adopted DS, and for us to be told to keep well away from their local area.

I'm tempted to cut contact with FC, it seems all wrong for BM to be able to reach us 'just like that', but am I over reacting? It was a pretty innocuous message and I think it was just thoughtless on FCs behalf. I just don't feel 100% sure anymore that there is no information going the other way ... BM clearly felt comfortable enough to ask her to pass a message on after all confused

luckylucky24 Wed 12-Apr-17 06:09:36

I think that I would be concerned too. Have you told SS about the message? Maybe they could speak to both parties and explain why this cannot happen again.
I don't think cutting contact would be an overreaction though.

flapjackfairy Wed 12-Apr-17 07:39:48

I agree v v inappropriate and i would definitely not send photos or have any more contact if fc is going to engage with birth family.
Report to ss for sure x

comehomemax Wed 12-Apr-17 07:54:54

That's not appropriate - I would cut contact and report to the LA.
If they've done this, i would assume they've passed info back to the birth family.

B1rdonawire Wed 12-Apr-17 09:10:14

Just to add my voice to all the others - I'd report it back to LA. I know letterbox can be lamentable, poorly co-ordinated and hard to navigate BUT it's still there for a reason. If they really felt it was urgent enough not to go via the letterbox system, the FC should have gone through their own SW and asked them if it would be appropriate to get your old SW to pass on the message. I too would be extremely uncomfortable with future contact - if it's direct contact that is beneficial to your child though, before stopping I would instead get their SW or someone else to have a firm discussion with the FC and see what's going on. I definitely wouldn't send any more pictures.

monkeytoad35 Wed 12-Apr-17 09:54:35

I would cut contact and report to LA. How FC could think it was appropriate to give you the letter is beyond me? They seem rather clueless to me, to think that it was ok.

IveGotArmsSweetie Wed 12-Apr-17 11:21:20

Thanks everyone, I've emailed our old sw and also lo's old sw.
I've no wish to cause trouble for fc, as I'm sure it was thoughtless rather than malicious but you're all right, it does need to be reported.
I think I'll have to cut contact as well, at least for now, which is such a shame for lo but I won't feel comfortable any more.

monkeytoad35 Wed 12-Apr-17 11:27:55

I don't blame you, I would feel uncomfortable if our FC did that. Hope it gets sorted out ok flowers

donquixotedelamancha Wed 12-Apr-17 12:45:48

I think the key priority is to make sure that no info does go back to mum. I would also email FC, explaining your concerns and asking her to assure you that no information will be passed back to BPs. I think a personal understanding of why this is so wrong will have a better chance of working than SW contact, that she may see as just bureaucracy. She clearly doesn't realise why this is so wrong, I'd want to be sure I was understood.

Obviously no more photo's or detailed info. I think whether you cut contact completely depends on how you feel about her- people make mistakes.

Ilikethedaffodils Wed 12-Apr-17 22:49:22

Foster carer here. I agree with everything that's been said so far, but I'm wondering how the birth family are contacting the foster carer in the first place. Has she given them her contact details? Do they know where she lives?
My current foster child's birth mum lives only ten minutes walk from me and I have wondered what I'd do if I bumped into her in the street/ at the shops. It hasn't happened so far and if it does occur in the future, maybe after the child has moved on I wouldn't even let on to her that I was still in touch with the child and new adoptive family (if indeed I was) let alone get involved in any passing on messages.
I don't think your concern is overreacting at all.

mycatsmellsnice Wed 12-Apr-17 23:38:44

Highly inapporopriate in my opinion. Adopter and ex social worker here. There should be no contact unless it was weighed up as part of the court proceedings and deemed appropriate. FC is on dodgy ground here.

In my experience BPs are sometimes given FC's phone numbers whilst the child is still with FCs. But that contact shouldn't continue after the child has been placed for adoption. It's upto the FCs if they want to have an ongoing relationship with BPs but never to act as a go between between BPs and adopters post placement.

Claramarion Fri 14-Apr-17 15:00:45

I'm a foster carer and have a child who will be adopted, I would have told Mam that it wasn't appropriate but also tell Mam that I would get in to trouble over this and pass information on to social worker. It is hard though sometimes as I live in the same area as Mam so would dread this happening but should I stay in contact tact with adoptive family I would not tell Mam

bostoncremecrazy Sat 15-Apr-17 13:33:52

Claramarion....i asume by 'mam' you mean birth mother.
As you are a foster carer, I would advise you to be more sensitive in your language. Mam is not an appropriate term for a birth mother whose child has been adopted.

Claramarion Sat 15-Apr-17 15:13:01

She hasn't been adopted yet and whilst she was here she was her Mam or tried to be so whilst I understand her adoptive mother will be her Mam her birth mother also was for a short while so I will be sensitive to both .

DorcasthePuffin Sat 15-Apr-17 22:50:54

Wow yes I would be concerned - this is completely, completely inappropriate. Actually no excuse for it - how can any FC think it's ok to just circumvent the adoption agency's procedures?

crispandcheesesandwichplease Tue 18-Apr-17 19:46:40

Boston that's a bit harsh. Until the child is adopted her birth mum is her 'mam' anyway.

bostoncremecrazy Tue 18-Apr-17 22:59:03

In the OP which we were discussing the child has been adopted.

"It is hard though sometimes as I live in the same area as Mam so would dread this happening but should I stay in contact tact with adoptive family I would not tell Mam"

"mam" is the adoptive mother. nobody else once an adoption has taken place.

Ilikethedaffodils Tue 18-Apr-17 23:19:58

Bostoncremecrazy

It is true that in the OP the child has been adopted. It is true also that once an adoption has taken place only the adoptive mother is "Mam."

But Claramarion is talking about how she would react in the future if the birth mother of her current foster child were to contact her, and that foster child - like my current foster child - will be adopted in the future but hasn't been adopted yet, as Claramarion makes very clear in her second post.

fasparent Wed 19-Apr-17 17:20:36

FC duty too standard's , confidentiality, and safeguarding have been
breached if there was no agreement of flexibility as in an Open Adoption
deemed by the courts.

Claramarion Wed 19-Apr-17 17:49:34

Thanks you above x

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