Controlling temper

[tldr]

Specifically mine.

How do you stop yourselves reacting badly to LO behaviour?

(FWIW, this is 7yo violence/aggression/rudeness, not 2yo tantrum.)

[B1rdonawire]

I really, really struggle with this myself. I need something to shout out or occasionally break out of sight/sound of LO. Of course, LO's feelings and behaviour escalate as soon as I'm out of sight...sigh.

One thing that really helps me is making myself physically smaller. Instead of rising up and roaring, I make myself sit on the floor and hug my knees. I rest my head on my knees and breathe a bit. Sometimes I hum (which annoys LO but gets me out of my head a bit)

I think the Hannah Meadows blog has some good stuff about child-parent aggression and violence? There's also this (imperfectfamilies.com/different-way-to-respond-when-child-is-aggressive/) but I suspect you knew all the theoretical strategies already, they're just so incredibly hard to do. I also have a note on the inside of my mug cupboard - "There's a row in the room, help, there's a row in the room" which makes me smile - it's from an old Alan Davies sketch where he knows there's a row brewing with his girlfriend but is powerless to resist it. It helps me because it makes me smile, and remember laughing, and also reminds me that there is anger in the room but it's no-one's fault and we don't have to be infected by it.

• disclaimer: I fail at this. A lot. And I eat a shedload of sugar - a full mouth is not a shouty mouth

[tldr]

I might stick 'a full mouth is not a shouty mouth' inside my mug cupboard near the biscuits.

Will check that blog/link. Thanks.

[CrazyCatLaydee123]

This is my biggest struggle - at the moment the worst I have to deal with is tantruming and low level stuff, but I find myself getting the rage a lot! I know it links to my own childhood and SS have organised counselling for me, but I am trying hard to channel my inner supermum...

[tldr]

I've just read those links from B1rd. Imperfect families link great for telling me what I already know I should have done, but don't know how to do; Hannah Meadows reached inside my mind and described us. Uncanny. (But also didn't tell me what to do because she doesn't know either.)

I feel terrible, and if I feel terrible LO must feel terrible but is at school with that feeling and that makes me feel more terrible. And if LO is not feeling terrible because she's gone to school and forgotten all about it, that will enrage me and I feel terrible about that too.

Not a great day at casa tldr. I need either a gin or a foot up the arse.

[B1rdonawire]

Gin I think. You're doing a good enough job of kicking yourself already

I do remember once we had success with DD and I sitting down together and both drawing what angry looked like and then telling it off, telling it we were NOT letting it be the boss of us.

I know what you mean about that huge crawling pit of stomach guilt after losing it. I don't know how to make it any easier, except that the cliche is true - it's more do-able when I've had a break or a chance to take some self-care. I am terrible at remembering this until it's too late though.

I also remember Sally Donovan wrote about making an "Angry Pie" but I'm not sure if it would give you heartburn: www.sallydonovan.co.uk/2015/05/15/cpv-a-few-thoughts-and-lessons-learned/

[tldr]

Well you've made me cry, but I might take myself off on my own tomorrow and say you said I had to.

[conserveisposhforjam]

Oh god this is me this week too.

So glad to hear you're an angry shouty person too tldr. Given that I think you're great n'all. It's making me feel a lot better

[tldr]

Yep, queen of yelling here. Though I think I outclassed myself today.

[conserveisposhforjam]

Hmmmmmmm. The 'not adopted one' told me to 'stop being so cross with' the 'adopted one' this am on the school run.

Think I might be a poorer parent than you.

[tldr]

We're 'the worst family ever'. I have it on good authority.

[conserveisposhforjam]

Yes. My higher authority informs me that I am 'super annoying' and she 'would like to hit me' fairly often.

And I usually take that as a sign that she is comfortable expressing her wishes and emotions and that I am accepting of those emotions the little madam

[tldr]

She's home from school like there was never a problem.

[B1rdonawire]

Remind yourself forcefully that losing your sh*t in the next 107 minutes will mean a nightmare bedtime and even longer to wait for your gin. You can do this

[conserveisposhforjam]

Have you apologised? That's as far as I normally get in dealing with my own anger. Not actually doing anything to, y'know, be any better or anything...

[Italiangreyhound]

tldr I am sort you are going through this.

How often are these tantrums/rages or however best to describe them?

Do you know what the outbursts relate to. Can you predict their arrival?

Are you getting post adoption or CAMHS help?

Do you think your little one's issues adoption/ attachment related, ASD/ASC or ADHD related, or both, or other or don't know?

I'd suggest requesting help if you have not done so already. Post adoption attrachment support and / or CAMHS (primary) / which could be accessed via school or GP.

Wait times vary.

In he meantime maybe keep a record of behaviour, keep s record of different approaches and what works best.

I'd suggest you could try having an area of living room with soft cushions/bean bags and lead her there when she is kicking off. Safer.

Maybe see if you can get her to stay in one area to calm down. Sit apart from her or outside an opened internal door, at the very least out of arms reach. I'm just sorting about you. Her hurting you is not good got either of you.

My ds is adopted but we do not get these rages. My birth dd is potentially ASC/ASD (mild) and we do get rages.

At 12 she is very strong, almost as tall as me etc. Even defending myself from her very occasional angry outbursts has led to lots of times when I felt I did a very poor job as a parent!

We have been referred to CAMHS.

You should not have to cope with this alone.

[Italiangreyhound]

I am sorry! Not sort.

[Italiangreyhound]

Has your dd had Theraplay? It is brilliant. It is specific to attachment and has changed my son's emotional (non-violent) outbursts . They have reducaed by at least a third in under a year.

[ac73]

Same here. I am trying to be the therapeutic parent but inside I am raging. Fizz in our house tonight - we have made it through the week! Xxx

[dimples76]

I was chatting to another adopter about a bad week earlier in the year when my boy (he is only 3) seemed to be on a mission to destroy the house and I was shouty. It dawned on me that I never shouted at him in public or in front of other people so what I had viewed as my losing control was actually a decision to shout. It might seem daft but since then I have not shouted - other than yesterday when he tried to run on to a busy road

The other thing that has helped us is doing breathing exercises together (sometimes he is too much in a rage to participate) but I find it calms me even if it doesn't help him.

Sometimes I just need some space. The other day my little darling hit me, then apologised, stroked my face and then slapped me - I just had to get away from him. I locked myself in the bathroom whilst I calmed down. Then I saw that my son was managing to unlock the door from the outside - I couldn't believe my eyes (he has developmental delays - how on.earth did he figure that out!)

[MintyLizzy9]

Watching with interest as I'm actually 🐴 from all my shouting this week and he's only 3!

In the meantime I'll leave THIS here 😁

[tldr]

I may have just pointedly told DH that my Mother's Day present had better be good. (See also 'a full mouth is not a shouty mouth' advice above. )

[MintyLizzy9]

Erm, i think you're DH may be reading more into that 😁😁😁😁

[Italiangreyhound]

dimples are you getting any outside help?

[tldr]

minty!!!!!

[B1rdonawire]

I wish to be very clear I was referring to maltesers...

As an additional ninja-level parenting tip: store emergency chocolate in mug cupboard (assuming it's an upper one). Tip said chocolate into empty mug keeping it well below the rim, place mug beside kettle, and you can be "waiting for the kettle to boil" for quite some time, while stealth stuffing your face with the hidden chocolate.