Advanced search

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

SW advice please, or adopter?

(10 Posts)
Porkchops123 Fri 10-Mar-17 17:09:44

We recently filled in an application waiting to hear from a social worker to come and visit us at home.
I am 45 with 3x grown up children (all live independently, great jobs, cars etc), my husband is 41 and has 2x children 17 & 11 that come and stay regularly and we all have a great relationship.
I am worried about the social worker coming and being open about my past case it goes against us.
I am concerned about the SW having to contact all exes.
Please don't judge, but over 25 years I have 7 exes, whom I have been in my life for between 2-5 years.
I'm not proud of this and was a young mom of 3 desperate to find Mr Right and live happily ever after like my parents do.
I now have my Mr Right and we are living happily ever after.
Will this go against me?
The fact that in the past I have left when I knew things weren't right?
I would die at them all being contacted!
Oh jeez, isn't hind sight a wonderful thing!!
Any advice please?
(If it helps any, I know none of them would give me a bad reference and all would say I was a great mom who always put my kids first.)

CantThinkOfAUserNameThatILike Fri 10-Mar-17 18:00:51

Hi, when I had my post acceptance meeting they said that they will only contact your birth children's father for a reference. Unless your agency differs.

Italiangreyhound Fri 10-Mar-17 18:15:40

I don't think anyone here will judge you for having relationships that ended.

Best to be honest but maybe check what they want to knows, did you love with all these men as a family or did you just have relationships? I mean you will most likely not need to give much detail at all.

Porkchops123 Fri 10-Mar-17 18:28:38

Oh jeez "all these men", that breaks my heart.
Yes they were relationships, unfortunately.
Thank you very much, can'tthinkofausername and Italian greyhound.
I fully intend to be open and honest, it's just a bit uncomfortable. confused

tldr Fri 10-Mar-17 18:48:12

I thought criteria for contacting if that makes a difference.

I can see them asking about it, but in terms of how you know Mr Right is Mr Long Term Right.

flapjackfairy Fri 10-Mar-17 18:54:14

Yes i think they will want to know what is different with your husband so have a think about how to evidence the long term nature of your marriage if you see what i mean .
I dont think it will be a big issue tbh .
Good luck with it all x

donquixotedelamancha Fri 10-Mar-17 20:05:29

I don't really see that 7 LTRs in 25 years is that many. I think (from the tone of your posts) that you probably regret a number of these relationships and that is what's driving you to worry.

My agency contacted all exes that I lived with. Unless any of them think you are a terrible mum, I think you are fine. Best to assume they might be contacted.

Perhaps more importantly, the issues around why you had these relationships and how you feel about them will come up. Please don't mistake the following for judgement (I wouldn't think there's the slightest issue unless you asked) but I will try to give you a list of all the potential questions so you can fret about them, then feel better:

1. Think about why you had these relationships- especially since you seem to indicate not all your choices were right. What did you learn? How are you different to when you were younger?

2. What makes the relationship with DH so good? What do you have to offer as a couple? How does DH feel about your history?

3. Read up on attachment difficulties and have a think about the impact on your kids of a number of different male role models who move on after building bonds. I'm not suggesting that you have done anything wrong, but asking the question might help think about the much bigger issues that affect some adoptees.

All the SWs care about is: can you be a good parent to kids who may have had a poor start? Getting your feelings about your past clear and being able to explain them will help make the process easier.

From the sounds of it, you should be confident about your bags of life experience and tons of parenting skill, rather than feeling you might not be good enough.

Porkchops123 Fri 10-Mar-17 20:42:47

Thank you all so much for your advice.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing, I would never regret the 2 relationships that gave me my amazing family, and to a degree I do believe these experiences made me the person I am.
I have a wonderful relationship with all of my children, I burst with pride when I talk about any of them.
I had them all by the time I was 23 and found life quite difficult, being single living in a high rise flat. Not how I envisaged my life, but I was determined I was not going to be a "Jeremy Kyle" young mom and worked so hard to make sure I worked, my kids did brilliantly at school and that they would be amazing adults and they are.
I am very proud of who I created, just not proud of the way I went about it. All my friends and family always tell me what a great family I have created and how I worked hard to do it.
But I will do some soul searching to answer the great points you have put across to me,
We just need to show we can offer a secure, happy home for a child and my past is my past, and I have learnt from it.
My husband is my rock, I will have no problem explaining why things are different now and we are solid.
This has really helped.
Thank you so much. smilesmile

tldr Sat 11-Mar-17 01:57:37

I missed a big chunk of sentence before....

I thought criteria for contacting exes is that you lived with them if that makes a difference.

crispandcheesesandwichplease Sat 11-Mar-17 14:39:49

Have sent you a PM Porkchop.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: