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Adoption: where to start and a 'few' questions!

(11 Posts)
bangingmyheadoffabrickwall Tue 21-Feb-17 20:15:54

I have friends who have been on the IVF journey, sadly unsuccessfully.

They are thinking of adopting.

Neither have an account with MN so said I would ask on their behalf.

I know of two people who have adopted so will be putting them in touch with friends when the time arises but thought I'd ask a few questions regarding adoption to see if it is a possibility and what it entails really!

So I know each area could be or is different but here goes!

1. Is there an age limit in adopting? Couple are mid to late 30s and wanting to adopt a baby.

2. What is the general time frame from start to finish?

3. What is the availability like (where you are?) crude question but they are wondering if they could be waiting weeks, months or years to be potentially matched up.

4. Does the parent 'choose' or do agencies / SW choose (or match up)?

5. Are adoption done through SS or can they be done privately through agencies?

6. How invasive are the checks etc?

7. Any barriers in terms of health? (One suffered depression due to sibling's very sudden death).

8. Is it 'easier' to adopt older kids, siblings, toddlers than babies?

I am really sorry if some of these questions sound offensive but they are thoughts and not sure how else to 'word it'.

Many thanks for those who reply.

donquixotedelamancha Tue 21-Feb-17 21:07:57

I'll kick off:

1. No. 30's is on the younger side of average.

2. We took 10 months to introductions (getting kid), that's much faster than average.

Should be 6 months to approval, if no delays. Matching with a child varies wildly, from weeks to years. Then 2-4 months before taking kid home. Getting the adoption order will be several months after that.

3. Huge variety. Fewer 0-2 year olds in recent years. If you are willing to take on older children, sibling groups and additional needs you will be match much quicker.

4. Parents choose. Picking the right one is vital.

5. Always through a local authority SS. LAs are adoption agencies (recruiting and training adopters), usually just for their own kids. Voluntary Agencies also recruit and train- they can match up with kids from any LA.

6. Very nosy. Not the worst thing in the world, but no one likes being scrutinised. Apparently being pregnant can be hard work too :-)

7. There will be health assessments, and questions about it. That could be a selling point if pitched right- healthy now, got support effectively, have dealt with trauma, strong couple etc.

8. As for 2. Easier to get. Might not be easier to parent. If you want a realistic idea about matching you could PM me. The biggest factor is the couple themselves and their selling points (and perhaps area), but you don't want to post details here.

Tell 'em good luck. Its a fab thing to do.

luckylucky24 Tue 21-Feb-17 22:10:05

. Is there an age limit in adopting? Couple are mid to late 30s and wanting to adopt a baby.
Refer to PP

2. What is the general time frame from start to finish?

DD moved in with us 10 days short of a year from our first application.

3. What is the availability like (where you are?) crude question but they are wondering if they could be waiting weeks, months or years to be potentially matched up.

We were matched within a week of approval. We went with a LA out of out area that had a lot of young children in care.

4. Does the parent 'choose' or do agencies / SW choose (or match up)?

Refer to PP for remainder. Nothing more I can add other than what has been said.

donquixotedelamancha Tue 21-Feb-17 22:21:04

"We were matched within a week of approval."

Bloody hell luckylucky24, thats good going. We were about 10 days and I've never met anyone close to as fast as us. I always feel a bit guilty when speaking to people who wait years.

tldr Tue 21-Feb-17 23:29:37

Are you trying to sell adoption to them as a route forward, OP? Because if not and it really is something they're thinking about they'll need to be a little less passive.

luckylucky24 Wed 22-Feb-17 06:36:32

I often feel the same mancha.. I emailed for confirmation that the decision maker had agreed to the decision and got a phone call saying we had a match.
I always have to stress to people how rare this is and how lucky we were.

Scarfonthestairs Wed 22-Feb-17 10:22:54

We were matched before we were approved to adopt.
This was because we were "willing" (hate that phrase ) to take a hard to place child.
I find it quite infuriating that people always want a baby. Adopting is not the same as having a biological child so I think people have to accept that and not try to replicate it. I can understand the longing for a baby as everyone has preferences.
Our ds was classed as "too old" he was 20 months old. He was also hard to place because he was mixed race and his birth mom had mental health issues/drank and took drugs through pregnancy.
I don't mean to derail things or sound like I'm having a rant but I thibk it's so important for your friends to go into ot with an open mind and to have also closed the door on having a birth child or tiny baby.

bangingmyheadoffabrickwall Thu 23-Feb-17 21:33:59

Passive??? shock

What on earth makes you think that my friends are 'passive'??? Based upon my posts? A third party?

I am simply trying to ask questions in the shortest form possible without writing a damned essay!

But judgemental based on one post form a complete stranger don't you think??

Thank you everyone for the posts - especially the age range question as both thought they were past it regarding fertility.

It is becoming obvious to them that continuing to be parents through IVF is looking unlikely. They have a desire to be parents not necessarily pregnancy but like most people who have fertility issues, they go down the ivf route first and why not? They didn't at the time realise (nor did specialists) that they would have a huge problem. Her sister had ivf successively so she had an idea what she was getting into.

All positive stories I hear. My male friend has mental health issues and talking with friend who has adopted am pleased that his won't necessarily hold them back.

The county where I live is notorious for being long winded as someone I know went with a neighbouring authority and were matched with their baby daughter after just a year. She is now six. Not sure about the authority my friends reside in.

Thanks everyone!

tldr Fri 24-Feb-17 00:26:01

I said passive because you were posting for them. Which is why I asked if you were trying to talk them into adoption - just seemed odd that they wouldn't do their own research. (Because you wouldn't be the first well-intentioned friend to start shouting about how great/easy/barrier-free adoption is to someone who is still not ready to move on from IVF.)

Anyway, rightly or wrongly, that's what I thought of.

luckylucky24 Fri 24-Feb-17 06:41:45

They don't have to use the authority in their immediate area. They can apply to any authority within a 35 mile radius. We went over an hour away.

JustHappy3 Fri 24-Feb-17 08:34:09

I have to say i was also worried about why you are asking the questions not them. But i was thinking more on the lines that you were a pushing grandma-to-be. I wondered if you were giving them the space they need to grieve for the loss of a birth child in their lives. Most authorities like at least 6 months from stopping treatment to starting the process and some ask for a year. And tbh they probably really need that time.
They will have a lot of research, reading etc to do. And they will have to be active for their child to enssure they get the help and support they need. So yes it does feel passive to me too that they asked someone else to ask questions.
Also they are going to find out info about their child that they can never tell you. Will you be ok with that if you are this involved at this point? Sorry that will sound awfully blunt but something for you to be aware of.

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