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Am I being really precious?

(19 Posts)
luckylucky24 Fri 03-Feb-17 20:01:58

DD has been with us since October. She is doing really well. She is 15 months and hitting all her milestones with lots of smiles.
As yet she has only been left without both of us for half an hour whilst mil watched her at our house with DS. To start with she wasn't keen on mil but recently has been much more accepting of her. She doesn't actively seek her when in her company (wouldn't expect her to this early) but if handed to her will willingly be held by her and was fine for the half hour we were out.
I know DH has struggled with the lack of us time and keeps suggesting things that I have continuously knocked back as it didn't feel right.
Tonight he has asked if he can book tickets for a show in may. It would likely mean the kids staying overnight at mil which I am not sure I am comfortable with.
Right now I feel that May is too soon but I know the reality is that sooner or later this is going to happen and I am struggling to see whether I am struggling for me or for DD. I don't want my relationship to suffer because I am being overprotective but I don't want DD to suffer because DH feels we don't get enough time together even though he ignores me most evenings when the kids are in bed.
I will say that DS would be with her which may help as she adores him and he seems to bring her great comfort.
By may she will have been with us for 8 months. Would you say yes or no?

OP’s posts: |
UnderTheNameOfSanders Fri 03-Feb-17 20:11:50

It might all be fine, but show tickets are expensive and you can't just walk out.

Personally, I would build up to it.
Ask MIL to come to yours and babysit, if necessary stay the night
- go for a quick pub meal
- go for a longer meal out with friends
If those go OK then think about a show

We went out for works Xmas do 7 months in with an 8yo & 3yo. My parents came down to babysit overnight. We had to come back at 11 as DD1 couldn't settle. (In fact DD1 couldn't settle without me in the house for at least 2 years).

I'd try to have MIL stay at yours because it is less disrupting, unless the DCs have slept over lots with you at MILs.

luckylucky24 Fri 03-Feb-17 20:19:08

Thankyou. The tickets are only £30 but the show is an hour away so if she doesn't settle it is a problem. We would definitely work up to it.
I have suggested MIL has the kids whilst we go for sunday lunch up the road sometime this month as a good starting point.
DH just informed me that it is a thursday night so MIL may prefer to watch them at ours anyway as she will have work the next day. Either that or we let them go to sleep at hers and pick them up on our way home but I am less keen on that idea.

OP’s posts: |
donquixotedelamancha Fri 03-Feb-17 20:36:47

I strongly suspect you'll be fine (I'm assuming you are worried she won't settle and will get distressed). Remember that MiL has raised her own kids. Build it up as UTNOS suggests. Perhaps MiL coming to you would be better for this one, then next time might be a sleep over.

Time for yourselves and DD getting used to family members are important, but all kids are different. Book it now and then trust how you feel at the time, you can always change your mind if the practice run causes problems.

luckylucky24 Fri 03-Feb-17 20:46:53

Part of my worries are that whilst she raised DH, he openly admits his mum is a bit clueless. She sprayed our son with febreeze at the new year because he fell over in the mud just before she took him out for a treat. DS loves spending time with her though and comes back telling me all the crap he has eaten that his grandma told him not to tell me about!
It worries me that she wouldn't tell us if DD was upset she would rather just pretend all was fine incase we didn't let her have them again.

OP’s posts: |
donquixotedelamancha Fri 03-Feb-17 21:10:47

"DS loves spending time with her though and comes back telling me all the crap he has eaten that his grandma told him not to tell me about!"

They all do that. It's like a GP conspiracy.

That said, I do think you might need to put a bit more trust in MiL and worry about DD a bit less. She'll be almost 18 months old, will have been with you for 7 months, and it's your first proper night off- go have fun.

luckylucky24 Fri 03-Feb-17 21:14:23

Thanks. I think I will do a dry run and visit some friends for a night out leaving her with DH for the night. I think she really would be fine and I am the problem. I was the same with DS!

OP’s posts: |
IwantedaSindywardrobe Fri 03-Feb-17 21:29:37

I wouldn't do it Lucky. I did it over 10 years ago with my AD but I didn't know about all the attachment stuff then. I think getting people to babysit her in the early days was a mistake and hindered our attachment process.

Also, whilst on adoption leave I had to attend court to give evidence. This was only 2 months into placement and her former foster carer (who is fantastic) looked after her for a few hours. This massively upset my daughter and her anxiety visibly increased for a long time afterwards.

All kids are different and I think you should trust your instincts on this.

donquixotedelamancha Fri 03-Feb-17 23:04:35

"I think getting people to babysit her in the early days was a mistake and hindered our attachment process."

This is one night of babysitting, 7 months into placement, it is not going to result in attachment issues. OP frets enough, without this.

Kr1stina Fri 03-Feb-17 23:19:20

Is your husband usually this insensitive to your wishes ? If you don't really want to go to this show and leave your children, how is it a treat for you?

Why does he keep going on about " us time " and then ignore you at night when the children are down ? Baby has only been home a few months, it not like it's been years .

Sounds like he doesn't have much understanding of adoption issues or of your concerns.

And spraying a muddy child with febreze is just weird .

tldr Sat 04-Feb-17 09:20:17

Could he go to the show with someone else if it's just that he wants to see the show? And have 'us' time with you any day of the week after LO is in bed?

FWIW, I don't think you're being at all precious.

luckylucky24 Sat 04-Feb-17 09:59:54

I think he feels rejected that I say no all the time and that I am using the kids as an excuse not to spend time with him.
Sometimes I wonder if he listened at all on the prep groups because he is acting like she should be fine to be left already and I am being silly.
If I say I won't go he will either sell the tickets or go with a friend But we will see nearer the time.
She gets chest colds all the time and can be difficult at night. He has never dealt with both kids at bedtime and through the night alone but expects his mum to be fine with it. He hasn't even asked her! I think it will be better all round to ask her to watch them here but he thinks that is asking too much as she is already doing is a favour by watching them and shouldn't have to come to ours to do it.

OP’s posts: |
donquixotedelamancha Sat 04-Feb-17 10:22:32

"He has never dealt with both kids at bedtime and through the night alone but expects his mum to be fine with it" Then he needs to, not for you (though it would be nice) but for him and her. Get him doing at least one bed time a week.

"He hasn't even asked her!" It is three months away, she can always say no if she doesn't want to. Perhaps he isn't asking until you reach a decision together.

"I think it will be better all round to ask her to watch them here" Yep. That's definitely easier, but she needs a practice run first.

"I think he feels rejected that I say no all the time" "Sometimes I wonder if he listened at all on the prep groups" He just disagrees with you and he's expressing his feelings (and possibly being inconsiderate of yours). I think he's got a point, Kristina would have him shot, but it doesn't matter what either of us think, it's down to you two to decide the right balance for your family.

My DD1 was adopted at almost the same age and we'd had her babysat several times by 18 months, at 2 we had 3 nights away from her, for some kids this would be wildly inappropriate.

luckylucky24 Sat 04-Feb-17 10:43:36

The thing about asking is he never asks until a couple of days before. He has done DD bedtime before and DS bedtime before but has never had to do both as I am always around to at least do DD if I am going out.
I think she is doing so well with family right now it is possible she will be just fine. I am still anxious though.

OP’s posts: |
Kewcumber Sat 04-Feb-17 11:10:55

There are so mnay things you need to address prior to May and personally I'd make it a condition of you agreeing to go.

1 - him to put them both to bed once a week (pick a set day and go out)
2 - DH to actually spend some time talking to you every evening!
2 - MIL to have them both over for a couple of hours once a month
3 - if that all goes well MIL to babysit at yours once whilst you go out locally for a drink
4 - theatre

I don't think the issue is MIL babysitting for one grand occasion. It's how you live your life.

luckylucky24 Sat 04-Feb-17 13:41:37

Thanks kewcumber, I think that is a good idea. We alternate putting the eldest to bed but I still somehow end up putting at least one, sometimes both kids to bed each night and he gets every other night off completely. I have been letting it happen as he is working at the moment and I am not but I would bet money that being at home is harder than his job right now!

OP’s posts: |
Kewcumber Sat 04-Feb-17 14:54:44

I've done it both ways - working and satying at home (am a single adopter) and though there are times when being at home is harder and times when being at work is harder, whats important I think is having empathy for the others position and having a proper break from the responsibility. I mean sharing responsibility is great n'all (I assume!) but there is nothing like walking out of the house and taking a big deep breathe and thinking "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" and knowing you have an hour or two of total peace.

But also (I think someone mentioned above) it can only improve his relationship with your DD.

conserveisposhforjam Sat 04-Feb-17 18:35:52

Everything kristina says. With bells on.

Fwiw I haven't been away from my ad overnight yet and she is 3 and has been home for two and a half years. Tbh if you were saying 'I desperately want to go - it'll be a fantastic opportunity for some me time' I'd probably think it wouldn't be the best thing for your child but that's balanced by your wellbeing. But you're not are you?

Sounds like for your dh he comes first and then everyone else. Which isn't ideal...

Londonisburning Sat 04-Feb-17 20:17:49

We are five months in to placement, with a similar age child, and went out for 1.5 hours, very locally, after said child was asleep, with strict instructions to call if child were to so much as breathe funny. Attachment is improving every day, but it's fragile, and it is still very early days.

I really needed to get out, and it worked fine for us. So the benefits outweighed the risks of LO's distress, and setting us back attachment wise.

I think you will get different points of view, there are some birth parents who don't leave the baby for nearly 3 years, and some who dump with grandparents and go to Majorca for a week at 2 months old. Partly that's different parents, partly different babies. As adoptive parents, we've got a whole lot of attachment factors on top of that.

I think May is a while away. But I wouldn't be making any plans to go out and leave our LO for a whole evening in May. LO adores the grandparents, and they LO, but we're not ready for that.

Trust your instincts. I still feel our attachment is a thread, not the strong rope most toddlers have. It's been such hard work to get that thread there, I'm terrified of fraying it at all! If you're precious, so am I.

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