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have we made a mistake

(16 Posts)
notgoingoutoutout Wed 01-Feb-17 12:03:59

please firstly read this post knowing that i love my children they are aged 9 and 2 , youngest is adopted eldest is bc.

we thought long and hard about having another child and adoption was always in our thoughts , we were fantastically happy when matched and meeting our dd, and have been for the 18months since she moved in with us . i think we have been euphoric.

But i have now crashed , im burnt out , my family fell out with us at the time our dd came home ( this was party expected , but its not resolved and i dont see them anymore) my partners job changed to one where he sometimes works away and has more social nights ., he doesnt attend all.

i know part of this is parenting issue , going from 1 to 2 children. is a massive change especially with the age gap. but where as when i became a parent time the first time i could join other mums with " isnt it hard" talk . I dont feel able to say how hard i find being a parent and have i made a mistake thinking i can do this ?

JustHappy3 Wed 01-Feb-17 12:18:45

Two things...
You can do this. You are doing it.
And yes you can moan that it's hard - you'll go nuts if you don't!!
Are you getting any time off for yourself? Is little one in preschool/nursery yet? Does your LA do free 15 hours for adopted kids? I've put dd (19 months) in the gym creche for 1 hour a week - everyone else heads off to spin and i head straight for the cafe and the best cup of coffee i have all week. And she loves it - tho i had massive guilt complex for abandoning her at first.
It is hard. There's a lit of pluses about the age gap but trying to get homework done with my nearly 8 yo is driving me to the brink as dd can't be left. And two lots of bedtimes is a pita. As is the 3 eve meals that need making for dd, ds and then us.
But you know it gets better. The nappies go, they hop in the car themselves.
Is it that old mumsnet chestnut that you have a dh problem not an adopted issue?
Have you made friends again. I found it took over 6 months to get to know people at groups - it was really hard and a bit lonely tbh sometimes.

notgoingoutoutout Wed 01-Feb-17 12:31:42

thankyou so much for your kind words , yes lo is in nursery on days that i work so the answer is no time to myself . i have made friends but im always with child , and tbh honest i miss time with my eldest as well.

yesyesyes , i get what you are saying about bedtimes , cooking and homework and yes i keep saying i know it will change....... but beyond hard at moment. And i dont want to feel bad about having 2 children .

dh is supportive but i don't think he understands how much my life has changed and how limited i feel sometime.

i want to feel that lovely "loved up" im a mummy again feeling x

Kewcumber Wed 01-Feb-17 19:46:53

But you should feel able to say to people "isn;t this hard" - why don;t you feel able to? IS it because you have no equivalent antenatal group? Or becasue you chose adoption that you aren;'t entitled to find thing hard or express how you feel.

You have some major events happen, any one of them in their own tight would have knocked you off course.

Being good enough will do for now and gradually things will stabilise - you will get used to the new normal.

IS there anything in particular you find especially hard?

Kewcumber Wed 01-Feb-17 19:47:56

Weekly Friday evening doing acqua aerobics saved my sanity.

What do you think would save your's?

JustHappy3 Wed 01-Feb-17 20:08:29

I think you need to go off this weekend and do something else for a few hours. When you walk back in and get the "welcome" dance my dh gets every day then the loved up mummy feeling comes back.
You need to get in touch with the pre-kids friends. Nothing picked me up like a uni reunion weekend and this Saturday i'm off for lunch in London with some of them. I'll be wearing a dress (not my jeans/top mum uniform) and i'm ridiculously excited and so are my mum friends here because they know what these time outs mean.
One thing to think about is whether you're depressed on top of knackered. If everything is grey and bleurgh and samey, samey, samey - then maybe you should visit your GP.
But you could do another half day at nursery just to get some me space.

gabsdot Wed 01-Feb-17 20:56:48

I can really relate to your post. I have had similar thoughts. I suffered from depression after we adopted our DD. I crashed and burned after 2 months.
It helped me to have some counselling and I took anti depressants for a year.
Good luck and do take care of yourself.

OlennasWimple Fri 03-Feb-17 13:38:38

There is such a thing as post-adoption depression - see your GP if you think that this might be the case for you flowers

Yes, it is bloody hard!! And it's OK to say so! I remember people glibly saying to me "oh, you've just taken to it like a duck to water!" and me thinking "but I'm drowning!" and not feeling able to express when I didn't feel I was coping. I wish I had been better at doing that then (and probably still should do it more now)

How long has LO been with you? Are you still getting regular SW visits?

notgoingoutoutout Fri 03-Feb-17 14:07:00

thankyou everyone . LO has been with us nearly 2 years. I think the shock of not having my family around has been immense and although they have form for being awful the extent was not expected . ive just been trying to get on and enjoy our family and not let their actions affect me but they obviously have.
i would love someone to say shall i have the LO s for you but haven't got that and may not.
Both me and DH are feeling very strained and i wonder if we are the best family for our baby ( im crying now )

OlennasWimple Fri 03-Feb-17 14:35:08

Oh bless!!

Have you even had a babysitter for an evening so you and DH can go out alone?

GirlsWhoWearGlasses Fri 03-Feb-17 14:36:11

Oh sweetheart, flowers for you. You and your DH sound great. It is tough and you are doing your best, it isn't possible to be perfect.

flapjackfairy Fri 03-Feb-17 14:43:33

Dont be so hard on yourself ! Parenting of all descriptions is damned hard work and you are bound to have days when you wonder what you have done.
I dont think you would be normal if you didnt. And as for saying it is hard because you choose this road well if that was logical we would never be able to say things like marriage are hard. Yes we choose this man but some days it doesnt seem to have been the best idea!
Also yes It is extra hard with no support as i know myself but the one thing i have learned as i have grown older is that you should never be swayed by your emotions ! Just because you feel something (eg we are not the best family for this child ) does not make it true. You are coming down from the euphoria stage and your emotions are confusing you.
I second trying to find a regular activity for you away from the kids and a trip to gp if required.
You sound like a luvly thoughtful mum so give yourself a break and take it one day at a time. It will pass!
There sermon over. Sending a big hug x

JustHappy3 Fri 03-Feb-17 14:47:01

flowers Don't cry. Of course you are. Do you want to tell us what happened with your family? You do sound like you need a break. Can you book a babysitter for a few hours this weekend in the day time?

sunsetbeach123 Fri 03-Feb-17 17:55:53

Please don't cry you are doing a great job and you are the best family for your LO! flowerscakewine.

I have had counselling to help me with my family situation and it did me the world of good. Do you think this could help you?

I didn't realise the impact of my family's disgraceful and nasty behaviour had on me. I felt so low and unfortunately it started to have an affect on my gorgeous boys and extremely understanding husband. One day after a total meltdown and a few hours of tears I just thought I couldn't carry on feeling like this and it all came down to my so called family. After a good few months of counselling I'm in a totally different place. My boys and husband, friends (that are more like family) are all I need we are very happy. Clearly, they are all jealous of what I have they have sad little lives and I'm not giving them the satisfaction of ruining mine! So good riddance to them!

It's all easier said than done but you can do this. I BIG HUG from me. Please take on board what everyone has said. It will be okay. x

Mrscollydog Sat 04-Feb-17 11:45:32

Sending a huge hug. Its is relentless this parenting lark. Working and dog walking has helped me no end. Also having one of my oldest friends be an adopter too. Try and surround yourself with people who get it. Even if that's on line. Gin helps too xxxx

notgoingoutoutout Mon 06-Feb-17 11:25:52

arent you lot so lovely . so much advice and words of comfort.
we have just started leaving with a babysitter who lives nearby, so thats something we will be working on more, if we can manage to stay awake that is !
My family , mum and sister didn't show any interest in the adoption process and when our LO came to us my sister created a lot of dramas over really petty things ( attention grabbing ?) which escalated when we ignored her. finally spreading lots of untruths that could have halted our Lo staying with is . luckily we had kept our sw informed and showed texts so there was no problem apart from me having to tell them to stay away .So like you sunset i have wonderful friends , some family and our little unit but the effect on me has not been good and i have had counselling but as we know it doesnt cure..... and it has been very tough. It sounds like we have had a similiar experience sunset , sorry for you

I still feel massive guilt that we have adopted a really extraordinary lo from a difficult beginning into what has been and is a right mess.

thankyou again so much you are wonderful . i know im lucky , just dont feel it often

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