Foster to adopt etiquette

[Tylee]

My DS and BiL adopted a little girl a couple of years ago. Since then, their DD's BM has got pregnant again, and they've been approved to foster to adopt the baby when he or she arrives.

Every time we've spoken to them about it they've been - rightly - really cautious about it, making it clear that a family placement may still come up, that BM may end up keeping the baby (although neither looks very likely, they both are possible) etc. My sister had a long history of miscarriages before adopting, and this is as much about protecting themselves as it is respecting the BM and the baby's family.

On the other hand, this is a child who is very wanted and welcomed by us and their extended family and and who will most likely end up being part of our family.

So my question is, is it okay to give the baby the sort of welcome gifts I'd give any new baby? Would that sort of celebratory dance be weird and upsetting for my DS and BiL since they're technically foster parents, and remind them that this baby may not be staying with them? Or would it be worse not to get presents, especially as they got loads of presents when their DD came into their family?

I'm guessing I should avoid a new baby card? But I should get them some baby clothes or toys, right? DD was a toddler adoption, so they don't have a house full of baby things. I want to honour them and this new baby, but I don't want to make things any harder than they already are.

[Tylee]

Sorry, DS is darling sister, not darling son.

[conserveisposhforjam]

Sounds like you have a good relationship with your sis and you talk about stuff. Why don't you ask her what she thinks?

[Tylee]

I guess. I suppose then I wonder if even just having THAT conversation will be upsetting.

Aargh. I am overthinking this, I know. But I also know that their emotions are running really high ATM, and it's the sort of thing it's so easy to get wrong.

[sweetchilli77]

heres how i looked at it.

We recently FTA newborn, straight from hospital. Had all the same cautions as your sister and pre warned family etc.

The thing is we took that risk, so when got a card it felt really special, that i wasn't different (iykwim). TBH we got absolutely lots of cards and presents with lovely wording that avoided birth themes.

LO sw told us to lap it up and enjoy our special moment, our sw reminded us that we where carers and maybe take them down if any officials came to the house :(

Like i mentioned, it was pretty solid LO was to stay due to siblings all being adopted. I understand their caution and rightly so. Id have a little word and see how she feels. I was so grateful and made up that our new born had celebration cards...

[Tylee]

That's lovely to hear, sweetchilli. You are both right. I should just woman up and ask her.

[flapjackfairy]

Can i just say Tylee that you are a wonderfully thoughtful sister ! A lot of people wouldnt be able to put themselves in an adoptors shoes and think about what might be upsetting or inappropriate so I dont think you are overthinking it at all. Your ds is lucky to have such lovely family support! X

[Tylee]

Aw, thank you!

Thing is, this is twenty years of them wanting a family, going through miscarriages, assessments, matches falling through etc. So there is a lot of historical sadness and loss tied up with this child, IYSWIM. I'm not this cautious about everything, but I know this really is a situation where the wrong word on a card could be really upsetting.

[Twogirlsandme]

Could you get a Welcome to the world type card for the little one? i think a gift for the baby is appropriate, then when everyone knows they are here to stay you can get a different kind of card and present.

[conserveisposhforjam]

I would sort of wait for a bit of a moment and then say something like 'I really want to get this right for you guys, you deserve that and I love you. Should I get gifts and things now or do you want me to wait awhile?'

[Tylee]

Thanks guys!