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When would be the right time!

(9 Posts)
Amber100 Sat 21-Jan-17 09:14:19

Strange question I know, as I'm already aware of the answer.

I have a two month old son, when he was born I decided I didn't want another one of my own, not because I don't love him cos I do more then life it's self. But we want to give a child with out a home a loving family.

Not going to jump in blind... Doing research and talking to people.

But the sad part is , obviously, we can't adopt yet as they will be older then my son and could possibly make him feel out of place in the family. .... Being blood related ect but then suddenly the youngest??? .

Couldn't do that to him , but I'm aware the process takes a long time, I think I'm just wondering if any one else has been through something similar and could tell me roughly how long the process could take.

I'm always going to put my son first , we have so much to look forward to with his development so I'm aware I won't be doing anything any time soon. I think I just look forward to sharing our home with another special little person , the more I research and become aware of the your off children need support.


CrazyCatLaydee123 Sat 21-Jan-17 09:48:12

It is generally recommended that you adopt a child younger than any currently in the family, and that there is a couple of years between them.
In the meantime, enjoy your little boy!

JustHappy3 Sat 21-Jan-17 12:53:26

It took a year to get through the assessment and training and then the wait was a piece of string job that turned out to be another year. (It felt very very long at the time but in retrospect flew past.)
We also had a birth ds.
As kindly as possible if you can have another birth child then do. There are not children waiting for loving homes - there are many, many approved adopters waiting for a child though. With a birth child in the equation you will be behind them in the queue every time. Because they can offer 1:1 support to that child which you guys can't. Sorry that sound really harsh but i wish someone had spelt it out to me a bit more.
Also (and this will sound worse) you really need to think about the effect on your ds - the child you adopt may be traumatized in ways not apparent - how would you protect your child if they were being physically or psychologically attacked on a daily basis? (For us the answer was a 6 yr age gap.)
I think you have to go into it eyes open - but that said our adopted dc is a joy. I think our awareness of potential problems and willingness to ask for professional help has been beneficial.

donquixotedelamancha Sat 21-Jan-17 14:00:58

"There are not children waiting for loving homes"

That's not true. There are lots of kids waiting, but unfortunately they tend to be: older, in sibling groups or with significant additional needs. We could have our own kids but chose to adopt because its a really worthwhile thing to do.

"there are many, many approved adopters waiting for a child though"

That's increasingly true in the last 2-3 years, but with a lot of variables (we adopted last year and didn't wait). It might not be true when you are ready. To an extent; who cares? More adopters available is a good thing.

All that said, Justhappy's point is very important and well made. You should seriously think about whether you can (and want to) take on a child with additional needs. You need think about the effect on your existing child.

Lots of people do adopt with BCs. In your place I'd spend a long while thinking about it. Getting authorised to adopt is usually 6 months if no delays. I'd expect matching to take around a year or so, but it varies hugely, and may be different by then. Generally as big a gap with your BC as possible is considered better.

Haffdonga Sat 21-Jan-17 14:21:11

I'm always going to put my son first

I think this is the honest and true feeling of a loving parent - and nothing wrong with that. But it may raise alarm bells too. Adopted dcs will usually have more complex needs than a birth dc born into a stable and caring family, and may need a very different parenting style to your birth dcs. This could involve long periods of close one to one attention or limiting contact with wider friends and family. Sometimes an adopted dc's greater needs may have to take priority over their siblings.Your ds will not necessarily benefit from having this sibling any more or less than having a birth sibling.

I'd try not to think of it as 'giving a child a home' because there are not so many dcs waiting for homes as adoptive parents waiting for a child. Any child that you don't offer a home to will be very quickly found a loving family who want them and will not be sitting waiting for long (unless there is a reason it is difficult to find them a family such as serious disability or being a large sibling group).

Read read read. Reading back all the adoption threads on MN is a great place to start and so when you are ready to take the plunge you are prepared, knowledgeable and sure that adoption is the best way for your family to grow. That way you'll be great parents to both your dcs. Good luck smile

Kr1stina Sat 21-Jan-17 14:31:16

There are children waiting for a home, but they are mostly children with significant SN, school age and /or in sibling groups. They will all have suffered a great deal of loss in their lives and may have been abused or neglected. They will have complicated backgrounds that may involve substance abuse, mental health problems and leaving difficuoties and violence.

So if you feel that you are able to parent such a child /children, then adoption may be for you.

And the answer to " when is the right time" depends on the age/circumstances of the child you wish to adopt and you own resources. When will you have the time, space and money you need to adopt a child who will be much more needy than any bio child ?

Most people would want to wait until their older child was at school, so they have enough time. Do you have a spare room and enough money for one of you to give up work ? Because it's very hard to work FT and care for a SN child, they have many appointments etc.

JustHappy3 Sat 21-Jan-17 17:09:11

Sorry guys - i am guilty of thinking only from my pov as an adopter with a birth dc. We were told we wouldn't be suitable for siblings or a child with a lot of special needs - because of our birth dc. Apols - there are obviously and very sadly many children waiting and i'm kicking myself for "forgetting" about them.

donquixotedelamancha Sat 21-Jan-17 17:14:24

"Sorry guys - i am guilty of thinking only from my pov as an adopter with a birth dc"

I don't think any apology is needed. You very eloquently put across some important points- there are definitely more pitfalls to consider with BC. I was just adding some other info and perhaps giving a different emphasis.

luckylucky24 Sun 22-Jan-17 09:56:04

We recently adopted with a BC and although DD is great and her brother loves her to bits (most of the time) it has been very hard to explain everything. Most siblings are newborns that just sit there and cry. His sibling came crawling and taking his toys etc. It took us 9 months to be approved, 3 months later DD moved in. DS was 3 when we started and turned 4 a week after she arrived.
I personally would not recommend adopting to someone who can have their own children. Purely as it comes with so many uncertainties that you may not be able to protect your child from. Your son is very little. If you want a close age gap you would have to consider foster to adopt or have another biological child.

Sorry its a bit rambly, I have been up since 5am!

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