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Advice please

(13 Posts)
outofmydepth45 Wed 11-Jan-17 09:54:34

We haven't even really started the process, but my DD's Biological father (in and out of her life, more out than in, fills her head with nasty rubbish) has asked my partner to adopt DD (he has looked after her as if she where his own since she was 9 months). I feel this has more to do with CMS and going to court about maintenance.

I have completed the booking telephone appointment and they said they would arrange a visit this was in late November (not sure if I should chase them) they were not very keen at all to be honest but I think it would offer DD legal protection (if anything happened to me I would want her to stay in the family home with her (half)sibling). Do i chase it up? DP would be delighted to adopt DD.

Now my main question is that her bio-logical aunt has asked to get her Christmas present to her, if I say yes why don't I bring DD to see you and her cousins, will this hinder the adoption? At a guess she will have seen this aunt 2-3 times a year (DD is 5).

What should I do? I have worried for 5 years what will happen to DD if I die, my will which I set when she was born and I may update to DP highlights my wishes for DD to go to my mother, solicitor assured me this is what happens in most cases as when push comes to shove the NRP doesn't want them.

( I have NC'd for this)

Somerville Wed 11-Jan-17 10:01:51

I was talking to a social worker friend about step-parent adoption last night. In my county it is a fairly quick process, apparently. Well, compared to the more standard adoptions, at least. She did intimate that it depends on the region and some local authorities are more pro than others. And social workers are overstretched of course. Especially with Christmas. But yes, if you want to do it and you haven't heard back reasonably soon then chase up your application.

We're nowhere near applying, yet. Just thinking about it.

outofmydepth45 Wed 11-Jan-17 14:58:44

Somer thank you for your reply, I shall chase it.

Any ideas if I should be encouraging a relationship with his wider family or not, I also think it could upset DD bio dad told her he wouldn't see her anymore because mummy won't both to drop her off (bs)

Italiangreyhound Wed 11-Jan-17 15:13:21

outofmydepth45 I am sorry I can't advise you about the aunt thing.

But allowing your do to adopt dd sounds a great idea.

Somerville Wed 11-Jan-17 15:45:51

I'm not sure on whether encouraging or discouraging that relationship would look better to court. Showing that you have tried to encourage contact with his side of the family but that even so she doesn't see them much and him not at all might almost go in your favour, IYSWIM? But also I guess there is a small risk that the aunt could then try to oppose the adoption? Possibly? I don't know.

I guess you should try to make the desicion about the contact with aunt purely on whether you feel it is in DD's best interests or not.

In my situation it would be very much in my kids interest to stay in touch with the side of the family they would be losing a legal relationship with (since their dad has died, his extended family are an important link to him). But on hearing from my kids that they want to stay with my new DH if anything should happen to me, those relatives have (with staggering kindness) said that if we feel adoption is therefore in kids best interests at some stage then they would support it and not consider it to affect their relationships with them in any way. My friend wants to look into how this would affect things at court as this isn't her usual field.

Do I know you on here under your usual name? PM me if you want because some of the stuff my friend said I shouldn't repeat publically.

Somerville Wed 11-Jan-17 15:49:40

Oh and I the meantime you could apply for PR for your DP which can be much simpler and a good stepping stone, I believe. If you ex also has PR then you'll need him to support it I think?

Italiangreyhound Wed 11-Jan-17 15:59:32

outofmydepth45 what are her wider family like? Are they the kind of people you would want her to have contact with if she was not related to them?

Does your dd get anything out of the visits? Does she talk of relatives at other times?

I'd quite like my adopted son tonnage contact with a birth relative on some form.

However, I wonder how aunt will feel. Would she oppose adoption of she knew? No idea of she would carry any weight at all, just curious.

I think the issue of your dd's step dad, who is dad to her half sister actually adopting her is a bigger issue than contact with aunt.

I'd be tempted unless anyone can see any reason not to do this to have the contact for Christmas present giving and get that 'over with'.

Then get your ex's full support for adoption on whatever form is needed and get the adoption sorted. Then you can chosse to continue contact as often as you choose or lesson it. You can also tell or not tell the aunt.

I would see this adoption as giving your dd something rather than taking it away.

catsnickedallmypens Wed 11-Jan-17 16:20:48

My AC still has some contact with birth family members because I feel it is their best interests. The court and social services agreed with this. Adoption doesn't mean that it's compulsory to end all ties with birth family.

Allington Wed 11-Jan-17 18:44:23

As I understand it, if the parents (in this case the father) consent, it isn't anyone else's business.

flapjackfairy Wed 11-Jan-17 18:50:29

I think allington is right. The only person who can contest is birth father and if he consents it should be straightforward

outofmydepth45 Wed 11-Jan-17 21:27:49

The last contact from her birth father is that he didn't want to see her anymore and to have DP adopt her (while he is/was useless I am upset for DD).

Seeing her aunt could be damaging in that DD may get upset about her birth dad again and I feel he only spent time with her as he wanted to be viewed positively by his family. So aunt may ask what is happening, not that I have to answer but she may push her brother to take back what he has said.

I do think I'll meet up with her and get it over with though, we probably won't then hear anything until next xmas

Italiangreyhound Wed 11-Jan-17 22:14:44

outofmydepth45 does your dd know her step dad (or whatever you call him to her) might adopt her. I think it is best for her not to mention it to aunt, just not to open that can of worms. But that will be easier if she simply doesn't know. Because telling a 5 year old not to tell is a bit like lighting the blue touch paper!

I think you need to keep focusing on what is best for your dd, I mean I know you already do that, but just keep it in focus. Because the aunt may be disappointed etc but really what your dd gains if your dp adopts would be much more important than an aunt-niece relationship, IMHO.

I think your dd will feel good to know she is adopted, secure, and you would have peace of mind.

Yes, it is sad that her dad doesn't want contact. He may not always feel that way, but it sounds like you would have a battle for support financially and no other form of support at the moment. And even if she is adopted if her birth father wanted to see her, if it was in her best interests then I am sure you could make it all happen. You sound like a really supportive mum.

Allington Thu 12-Jan-17 05:05:16

There is a poster here - spero - who is a lawyer working in family law, perhaps you could ask her (she seems quite happy to answer queries about the law).

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