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Behaviour issue? Adopted DD deliberately weeing

(5 Posts)
Teecup Tue 10-Jan-17 19:05:29

I'm struggling. I adopted DD(4)!2.5 years ago. No problems at all with her settling in. She's been brilliant. Potty trained quickly before she was 3 years old. No behavioural issues at all.

Now this.

I don't know whether it's my fault or not (I've been ill for the past six months and not very attentive).

She goes to preschool and they can't understand it either. Some days she's fine and will go to the toilet with no problem. Other days she just goes in her pants (wee and more recently poo as well).

I've had her checked out and there's no health issue.

When I ask her why she does she says she doesn't know. She doesn't get upset. Have wet or pooey pants doesn't bother her.

I absolutely hate it though. The smell and the mess is awful, especially difficult to deal with as I'm still poorly. I feel distraught.

What should I do? Help me please

catsnickedallmypens Tue 10-Jan-17 20:37:36

Hi Teecup, tried to post on your thread on the other board a few days ago but t'internet was not playing despite the effort of having written a longish post!

I have an adopted D. We have had urinary issues on and off for years. DD was dry during the day at 3 but not at night until well after 6. When she was first potty trained she would be mostly in knickers but if we were ever going out in the car for more than 30 mins I'd put her a pull up on. Without fail the pull up would be wet within 10 mins.

We've had weeing on the carpet, the bathroom floor, on toys. When trying to manage night time wetting she's go months with a dry pull up all night, but as soon as I mentioned stopping wearing them she'd start to wet at night again. There are no health issues. I eventually thought, with regard to always weeing in a pull up in the car and being reluctant to give up night time pull ups, that something about being in a wet nappy comforted her. Luckily she never suffered from nappy rash.

Now she's in year 8 and we still have problems with 'accidents'. Her knickers are often damp. I am concerned that other kids will notice the smell and we are working on it together. Panty liners, daily baths, changing school trousers regularly, no fizzy drinks, drinking plenty during the day.

I've never had any professional say anything about it but have heard quite a few anecdotes amongst adoptive parents about minor urinary incontinence in their children. Don't know if it's to do with early trauma and brain wiring or what but it's one of those unspoken issues adopted children seem to struggle with. I was at a training course recently led by an adopter who writes and blogs about adoption. She asked the room (probably 50-60 adopters present) if their kids had urinary issues and there were more people nodding than not. I was very surprised and relieved (no pun intended!).

So, I'm aware that I've not given any advice here but wanted to tell you that I don't think it's uncommon in our children.

Teecup Tue 10-Jan-17 21:47:39

Hi Cats and thanks for your reply. It's interesting that lots of adoptive parents said they'd noticed similar issues.
If you read my other post you might have seen that I put DD back into pull ups last year as I was in and out of hospital and couldn't cope with all the washing and cleaning up after her. She loved being back in them! Although very capable of using the toilet (and advanced in all other fine and gross motor skills) she seemed to prefer soiling herself rather than using the pull up as a pull up. I'm wondering if it is actually to do with her early environment (removed at a few months old but lots of stress in that short time). Did the people on the course you attended have any advice?

IwantedaSindywardrobe Tue 10-Jan-17 22:12:34

Hi Teecup, no the other adopters didn't have any advice, it was just acknowledged as a common experience for adopters.

Interestingly I've just read another thread on this adoption board. Can't do links but it was started by webster! and is called 'would a child's look put you off?'. It goes on to discuss smells and someone has posted a link to an interesting article about smells and adoption. There's a reference to an adopter who's child used to wee in the bedroom and around his cot. There's some suggestion that the smell of wee might be reassuring as it was familiar from early life (neglect, left in wet nappy/cot). Please go on it and click on the link.

Now I am convinced that, like my AD, other adopted children may be comforted by the smell and feel of wet pants.

And yes, I completely agree with you that stress and anxiety play a role in the toiletting issues. Our AD is a high stress/hyper-vigilant child. It's got much better with time and she has learnt to self-regulate to quite a degree.

IwantedaSindywardrobe Tue 10-Jan-17 22:22:35

Sent you a PM Teecup

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