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The daily mail article

(19 Posts)
drsholmes Thu 29-Dec-16 17:02:16

Although this article doesn't appear to be popular in the adopting community on twitter, this quote has just highlighted my biggest fear and I'm seriously doubting our path now.

I can’t bear to think about it. I feel so bad because it was me who pushed for adoption. But the effect it has had . . . on my husband, Ryan, on our relationship . . . on Ellie; she’s lost her childhood to William. And I did that to my family!

Panel date is late Feb and we haven't had matching meeting yet but it's making me want to tick would not accept all the way down the page!

donquixotedelamancha Thu 29-Dec-16 17:40:10

"Panel date is late Feb and we haven't had matching meeting yet but it's making me want to tick would not accept all the way down the page!"

Then do.

Personally I find that article pretty repellant, but there is some truth to it. Many of us are lucky enough to adopt fabulous kids (whether with additional needs or not) but a good proportion (evidence seems to indicate about a third) have serious problems and poor support.

All you can really do is:
- Accept that there are potential risks, even with 'easy to place' kids.
- Try to make sure you have chosen a good supportive agency.
- Take as much control over the process as possible. Don't be pushed to take on more than you can manage. Make sure you ask a lot of questions and follow up.
- Read up on potential issues.

I've been through it twice and I (despite plenty of bumps) still think adoption is a really worthwhile and positive thing; but you must put your family's needs first.

Good luck. Feel free to send me a PM if you want to ask anything specific.

drsholmes Thu 29-Dec-16 23:17:41

Thank you so much for your great reply! I'm fairly sure I have confidence in our agency (LA) they seem to be great but then who knows once post-adoption support is needed?

It's just we're being told matching will take a approx a year because we already have BC and that's if we would be willing to accept fsad and other disabilities.

tldr Thu 29-Dec-16 23:25:53


tldr Thu 29-Dec-16 23:45:51

Some thoughts in no particular order (and mindful of the fact I've had wine)

- Your DH has/had plenty of opportunity to say no
- You're not committed til a child knows about you
- You know there's a risk
- It's a mitigateable risk (to a point)
- You will need to parent differently. They're not making this shit up.
- 3 yrs in, I wouldn't adopt again if I already had a child (adopted or otherwise) because for me the risk is too great
- in my shoes, I would still adopt. We've had a glimpse of what's to come, we definitely have a very troubled child, but we love her. And that makes it different to reading about a theoretical child.
- If you think you can't cope with something say so. We were saying yes to everything til our SW had stern words with us. But bear in mind there's a risk. Our DD had no known Issues but she definitely has issues. If I'd had her life, I would too.
- Matching will take as long as it takes. its not a waiting list so the match will happen when it happens.

Hope that's helpful in some way...

drsholmes Fri 30-Dec-16 02:00:45

The middle paragraph in my original post is a quote from the article. I just don't know how to edit it.

So you have an adopted child and you would or wouldn't do it again?

tldr Fri 30-Dec-16 02:42:18

Oh, I'd do it again in a heart beat. But having seen the reality of the risk, I'm not sure I'd do it if I had an existing family to jeopardise.

But I know a lot of people do (and they post here so they'd tell you differently I guess).

bostonkremekrazy Fri 30-Dec-16 13:07:11

I have to say the only families except 1 i know where the ac have no issues are from adoptions from the 1960s....when babies were relinquished at birth usually by teenage single mothers who has good prenatal care. ( we know about 40 families- and every child bar 2 siblings are diagnosed with something!)
It is so so different now - the pre birth experience for ac and the trauma that occurs even then, the rise in fas and the problems our dc experience cannot be predicted when they are tiny and being placed for adopted - you have to accept the uncertain future they come with 😯
....of course it is a risk, adoption itself is a huge risk unless you adopt older children who you know are medically well, the trade off then is that they may not settle into a family and attachement disorders become more likely 😐.
Statistically more ac have adhd than is usual...this may explain their bp chaotic lifestyles and inability to parent - so again you live with the risk of ac being diagnosed with this after placement.
Adoption is not risk free.....we live with all of the things above and disability, however only the disability our dc were born with did we know about on placement....all other diagnosis came after adoption when we sought help for our family 😯

Italiangreyhound Fri 30-Dec-16 16:56:13

I have a birth dd and adopted son. I would adopt again if we had more money, a bigger house and could afford 'help' but to be honest that would be my answer to whether or not I wanted another birth child as well!

I feel at 51 I am quite tired out by parenting,not just our son, our birth dd can be a handful too.and for me realistically two kids is good.

More would upset a delicate mix.

I do not regret adopting but there have been times when I questioned the decision to do it.

The story doesn't shock me, I've not read it all but I read a lot before adopting and mumsnet faithfulls filled me beforehand.

I think post adoption support is vital, we had lots and are still receiving it 2.5 years in - in the form of theraplay, which is excellent.

Our son's behaviour has improved a lot and in many ways he is a normal little boy, who we love, and who loves us.

user1483046088 Fri 30-Dec-16 21:58:37

I have a birth child and have adopted twice separately

Tbh shit happens my sisters son is 15 and has already been in to rubble with the police serval times parenting is hard work and adoptive parenting is harder work it's not about risking it for a biscuit it's about are you tuff enough are you up to the job

That why sw want t make sure that you can cope because after the ao is made its down to to

We simply said this we had made a commitment to our girls like with did to our birth child my girls are hard work but if I had the money we would go for a 4th children birth children and adopted can de diffcult arseholes who don't want to cooperate

Just like having a birth child it's pot luck

Pot luck weather you have the skill set to deal with your child's issues
Pot luck if you get a easy child or a hard to parent child
Are children are normal in many ways but very ematioal eh I quite relaxed and a little mad so we can deal

I am a member of adopters Seoul who meet regularly and though adoption support is shite I can see this is them

Tbh I often find my birth child much more challenging than my girls

user1483046088 Fri 30-Dec-16 22:04:22

Don't mean to offend but I find people saying adoption is not risk free a bit hmm

My dear cousin has just had a baby who has fluid of the brain and has had a shunt fitted

My own dear birth son has global development delay

Weather you have a birth child or adopt you are rolling the dice

If it were a case of birth child =normal well behaved children adopted children =disabled SN naughty but it's not that simple

Children are risky being a parent is risky

hookliedandsinkedher Fri 30-Dec-16 22:07:38

But adopting is significantly more risky.

You're rolling two very different sets of dice.

And once you have other children to consider, taking that increased risk becomes, well, riskier.

user1483046088 Fri 30-Dec-16 22:47:36

Depends on your view of risk like I said eveyone has there own skill set on what they can deal with

We have a birth child and had Previsouly fostered so went in to adoption with our eyes wide open and nothing we had seen during our almost 10 years fostering made us think nope not adoption

Like I said our birth son with his global delay has been more diffcult to deal with at times than any of our foster children but that's down to were our skills lie and how he presents if we adopted a child who had GD that presented the behaviours he has we would struggle others would struggle with our highly strung girls but we find them ok

Adoption is like a jigsaw I have always believed that there is an adopter for all children it's just getting the matching correct

Why is it that foster carers can't cope with a child but sometimes the adopters cope and visa

I think ofte n the error is in th matching and not fully disclosing also some adopters not fully releasing how diffcult things will be after all how can you

No one will ever understand the demands of parenting until it's to late that's the rub whatever course yu go one how ever many adopters you talk to you wont know if you can meet the needs of your child until you meet and get parenting just like any birth parents

If there was any way of really knowing people parenting capabilities in a real way before you actually have a bash ss would save themselves a hell of a job

hookliedandsinkedher Fri 30-Dec-16 22:51:05

Unless, you're in an abusive relationship, and/or take drugs, drink alcohol, live a chaotic and high stress lifestyle, so much it would affect a fetus, and/or have genetic problems. Then there would be no difference in risk between adopting and birth children.

But then you probably wouldn't be an adopter.

Adopting isn't like having a birth child, risk wise, for the type of people who can become adoptive parents, usually. There may be exceptions for people where there is a genetic abnormality, then they may be adopting because it's lower risk than having a birth child, but that's not the majority.

hookliedandsinkedher Fri 30-Dec-16 22:54:18

It's not my view of risk.

The chances of having a neurotypical child that will meet all developmental and emotional milestones to adulthood without hiccough are lower when adopting, compared to having a birth child, for most parents who are eligible to become adopters. Of course when you view that against having no child, then people decide to take those risks.

Italiangreyhound Fri 30-Dec-16 23:20:06

user1483046088 we are in an unusual situation, maybe, in that our birth dd (who is dyslexic and has autistic tendencies) could sometimes be more difficult at 10/11 than our adopted son could be at 4/5.

But now, a year or so on, even with the change to high school (a much better school, it turns out) and the whole puberty business (!!!) I can see that our daughter is coping with things better and the balance is shifting.

Not all adopted children will have issues (but many will) and not all birth children will be plain sailing - but there are more issues, created by all kinds of factors, with children who have come through the care system.

fasparent Sat 31-Dec-16 00:09:37

Have adopted two with FAS both now adult's are in work, own their own house's and are enjoying life. We are very proud of their achievement's,
would not hesitate too repeat.
They have just taken us out for a meal nice too be pampered.
Please do not believe all you read, sure life is different for all Adopted or NOT.

Twogirlsandme Sat 31-Dec-16 08:51:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

donquixotedelamancha Sun 01-Jan-17 17:18:47

@OP. You are most welcome. A year seems realistic (could be more, could be very quick). I think taking time to get it right for your BC is a good approach.

@user and Fasparent

I strongly agree that a few adoptive parents (and certain newspapers) run the risk of stigmatising adoptive kids by talking as if adoption itself is a problem- just about everything you can worry about with your adoptive kids applies to all.

BUT: without doubt the outcomes are worse for adopted kids and the risks to consider as their parents are bigger (on average). Many of the people giving these warnings have experienced very tough times and poor support. Many of the risks aren't obvious if you've no experience of adoption. It does no harm (especially with a birth child) for the OP to be cautious about matching and to read up on potential problems.

Personally I'd do it all again. Just about every adoptive parent I know feels the same.

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