Advanced search

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Cold feet?

(5 Posts)
toomanymincepies Wed 28-Dec-16 21:12:52

I've been a regular lurker for a while now with the occasional comment here and there.
For background - DH & I have recently been approved & are currently awaiting a match, we had a few years delay after initially starting the process due to employment issues but have been eagerly awaiting being able to restart & were thrilled to be approved.
My issue is that one of my younger sisters has just announced she's expecting and although I'm v happy for her & husband, its thrown up a lot of emotion that I thought I'd dealt with in the years since we gave up ttc. My two best friends have had babies/announced pregnancies this year and I was absolutely fine with them, but for some reason I'm not dealing with this so well, which has then made me panic about whether I'm ready for matching.
Anyone been through something similar? confused

hookliedandsinkedher Wed 28-Dec-16 21:18:55

I had so many wobbles, I could make jelly. If you weren't having wobbles, it would be more worrying! It's ok to be emotional when someone close to you announces what your heart used to desire above all else, that's normal.

For me, it's all evaporated now my baby is home, apart from a occasional 'I wish' moment in wishing I'd had LO as a birth child.

Grief always sneaks up on us and takes us by surprise. If it didn't, then perhaps you haven't really grieved.

I bet most people wobble. Can you take a little break from matching while you wobble? Give an excuse to SWs. It's absolutely normal.

JustHappy3 Wed 28-Dec-16 22:50:53

Yes. Look at it a different way. You have been sent off kilter and you say you are not dealing with it well.
What do you actually mean?
Because if it's making you sad then that's not weird in any way. If you are able to verbalise how you feel to your dp or friends or family that's good. Have you done anything to "look after yourself" - the equivalent of a self hug. Even if that's just getting v drunk one night and allowing yourself to think about how you feel?
I've discussed before on other threads - but on our training we were taught that our journey away from trauma/upset is in circles that loop away but will always come back to it (more frequently to start with but with longer and longer stretches between revisits as time goes on).
I found it helpful to realise that as i grieved miscarriages etc I was gaining an insight into some of the loss and upset that my adopted child might feel. And that if i couldn't understand and "forgive" myself for being unexpectedly knocked sideways by feelings/emotions I thought i was on top of - then i would be as much use as a chocolate teapot to my adopted child in helping them manage their feeling iyswim.

Italiangreyhound Thu 29-Dec-16 10:41:07

Great answer Justhappy and hook.

mincepies hope you can work through these feelings. Things have changed for your sister but your circumstances have not changed. If adoption was the best or only way for you and dh to have a child then that is still the case. It is totally understandable to be envious or emotional but please do not let that spoil your own chances of having a family.

toomanymincepies Mon 02-Jan-17 21:57:57

Thanks all, I was over-reacting to a wobble but good to get it off my chest and get some helpful responses.
Justhappy I had read before what you'd mentioned about trauma/upset in circles and remember thinking at the time how helpful that was so thanks for the reminder.
hook and Italian thanks too for the advice, as you said I know this is the right way for us and so I won't worry about the occasional bout of envy.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: