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Should I Meet my childs Birth Parent

(7 Posts)
user1482440220 Thu 22-Dec-16 22:51:13

I was wondering if anyone has any experience or advice to offer me...

I adopted N alone so although I have friends and family for advice, non of them are in my situation so it would be good to see what other people think.

N moved in with me over 2.5 years ago and at the time I agreed that I would meet up with bio's for no other reason than it may help in the future. N was removed at birth and has never lived with them. But at the time I had questions that I thought they may have answers too. Probably more for me.

Anyway after them messing me around while they decided if they wanted to meet up, they decided that they couldn't/ didn't want to.

I have still sent my letter box as I said I would, BM has never replied. BD did eventually respond and is now in Prison (again)

I have now, over 2 years later and 3 days before Christmas had an email from SS saying that BM would now like to meet me......She has apparently sorted herself out, stopped her drinking (I know this isn't true) and is single (is this just because he is in prison) and how nice she is.

My first thought is 'NO' I feel that we are at a point where we are happy and settled and I don't feel that there is anything either me or N will gain from this apart from me being able to tell him I met her.

I am unsure what to do for the best, obviously what I want isn't really the issue, it's what is best for N in the long term.

Any advice appreciated

Kr1stina Thu 22-Dec-16 23:11:40

I know many A parents who have met bio parents. Everyone said it was very hard and often emotional . No one has regretted it.

Think about taking a support person along with you, since you are single . Don't rely on any SW unless you know them well . The one you have sounds like an idiot.

I'm guessing you have no security concerns as you know BM or at least knwo about her .

You might want to decide in advance what information you are willing to give about yrouself or your DD. And what if anything you want to ask .

Although many birth parents use the time to justify themselves rather than asking about the child. Which kind of reinforces the reasons why they were not able to parent the child, Although it's tough to see that acted out, it can also be helpful .

Kr1stina Thu 22-Dec-16 23:15:06

Oh and don't agree to meet until January at the earliest , whatsver SW says.

And think very carefully about photos - what if anything you will allow.

Remember , whatever SS says, YOU are in charge of this whole thing, not them. They can't make you do anything, the court has decided that you have all the parental rights not them .

luckylucky24 Fri 23-Dec-16 06:58:25

I am hoping to get the opportunity to meet DD's BM. I think it will help answer questions as she gets older. You can tell her a bit about what she was like, maybe ask what she was good at in school/liked the most. Little things that we take for granted but that may help them along the way.

SilenceOfThePrams Fri 23-Dec-16 07:03:56

I would.

I've never met ours. I have so many questions. And so does my child.

I'd think meeting whilst in prison could be really handy. You could make it clear it's a one off meeting. You have a cast iron reason for not bringing the child. The BP will be unable to see you arrive or leave, so have no idea about your car or direction of travel or anything like that. You can very easily alter your style of dress or general appearance. She shouldn't have access to a camera so no photos as a record for her.

Yes you might not get the answers you're looking for. And it might well raise more questions. But you will if nothing else be able to say to your child in future, when I met X, she sounded like this. Her eyes looked like this. She moved her head just like you do sometimes. All kinds of tiny connections of needed, and disassociations where needed too.

donquixotedelamancha Fri 23-Dec-16 09:57:15

We met BF, not actually BPs. It's definitely very emotional, and not easy; but for me it was a very worthwhile thing to do. I felt it was something we had to do, because our kids (also adopted from birth) will ask questions when they're older.

No one else can make this decision, it's a very personal choice. Being the sole carer it would be quite understandable if you didn't want to deal with this now everything is good. Most adopters I know took the chance if given. All, bar one, found it very positive.

Obviously your anonymity will be protected. Personally I wouldn't show photos at two years old, but again it's about what you feel comfortable with. As Kristina advises, nail the details of the meeting down first, not all SWs are as good as they should be.

Don't make any decisions now, give it time. Go with what's right for you.

UnderTheNameOfSanders Fri 23-Dec-16 20:03:11

We met BM during intros. For us it was really positive as, having met her, it is easier to write contact letters and to talk about her to the DCs. She is more 'real' than just words on paper.

You may find that if BM is getting her act together, she is more able to write back if she has met you. Which could be a real positive for your DC.

What potential negatives do you see?

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