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Letterbox sent- better late than never

(16 Posts)
SuzanneL60 Fri 16-Dec-16 22:54:09

Really really do not know how I can continue this process. I don't trust it and I have no proof that the letter sent to me is genuine. had a photograph been included I would have had that at least.
I have no proof that what I have sent will be passed on in full. i asked specific questions last time that would not give anything away and they were not answered. So tell me adopters- why should I continue?

bostonkremekrazy Fri 16-Dec-16 23:33:58

SuzanneL60 are you a birth mother?

I am an adoptive mother who writes a letter every year, we only had a letter back the first year.

My understanding is that the letterbox service works just like the postbox - they photocopy the letter to put into the childs file, and then pass it onto the adoptive family (unless there is anything inappropriate then they should contact the birth family to help them rewrite it).

I'm sorry specific questions you asked weren't answered, it can be scary for us adopters, they may have not wanted to answer the question at the time, or they may have overlooked it and not written it down. You can ask again in your next letter or if it is really important to you can you contact somebody in social services to ask the adopters for the answers?

you as birth family - and we as adopters continue because we have one thing in common - our children. we want them to know their heritage, to understand where they came from and to know their story.

it sounds like you are hurting, can you get support somewhere?

Prettybaffled Sat 17-Dec-16 07:08:49

Suzanne, I am so sorry you are upset flowers it must be very difficult not to have questions answered.

Please don't stop writing as it will be so important to your birth child to be able to see how much you care about them.

Of the adopters I know very few of their children are lucky enough to have a bm like you who actually replies to letterbox.

Poppystellar Sat 17-Dec-16 08:00:58

I'm really sorry your questions haven't been answered, that must be extremely frustrating. As others have suggested I'd ask them again in your next letter.

I also wanted to reassure you that many adopters (I would hope the vast majority if not all) really really appreciate birth parents writing back. It doesn't matter how long it takes to get a reply, just to get one is hugely appreciated.

I keep all letters and a copy of the one I sent together for my DD who knows I write to birth mum once a year and birth mum writes back. These letters will help her understand her life story as she gets older.

I find writing the letters quite hard and can only imagine how much harder it must be for birth parents to write back. All I can say is that I, and I would hope most adopters felt like this, really appreciate you making the effort to write back. Please carry on if you can flowers

Zephyroux1 Sat 17-Dec-16 19:59:20

That sounds so difficult, I'm an adopter but, for what it's worth, I too find writing the letters hard.

Regarding your questions not being answered, I have been told categorically not to answer any questions at all and I'm not allowed to ask any either, so it might be worth contacting the letterbox service to clarify the agreement and policies in place.

tldr Sat 17-Dec-16 22:17:42

Really? How on earth does it work if you can't ask or answer questions?

donquixotedelamancha Sat 17-Dec-16 22:28:42

"I don't trust it and I have no proof that the letter sent to me is genuine."

Why wouldn't it be genuine? Perhaps you could give a little more detail?
Assuming you're a BM getting contact from an adoptive child's parents.....

LAs can be wildly different in the way they approach contact- some are rubbish. We had to push very hard to make sure our child's birth family actually got them. I've never heard of LAs being as proscriptive as Zephyroux1 but you are definitely told to avoid specifics. The child's parents will write what they feel comfortable with; as contact continues, you may get more info from them.

Why should you do it? Because it's the right thing to do, and you will regret it in years to come if you don't.

Zephyroux1 Sun 18-Dec-16 05:15:22

Really? How on earth does it work if you can't ask or answer questions?

It doesn't work at all, its ended up with my letters being not much more than a list of lo's development and birth family never replying which is a shame, especially as we are fta and built up quite a good relationship over many months of contact.

SuzanneL60 Sun 18-Dec-16 14:32:38

Thank you- difficult time-

flapjackfairy Sun 18-Dec-16 21:04:26

Suzanne it is bound to be a v emotive and poignant time of year as all us adoptive mums realise.
We know that we are blessed to have our children with us but also that there are many people out there who are suffering as a result and we do not take that lightly.
Sending a big hug x

tldr Sun 18-Dec-16 21:24:23

Zephyroux1
That's such a shame. sad

Italiangreyhound Mon 19-Dec-16 14:00:44

Suzanne I am sorry this has been a very disappointing experience so far. Please stick with it.

I am an adoptive parent to a little boy. His birth mum sends lovely letters and we send back (I hope) lovely letters too.

We also send a card, as does she.

We send photos that she can view at the council offices. This arrangement is because some birth parents have put the photos sent by adopters on social media. So to avoid this the photos are viewed and not given.

I think for me this engagement means I can know she wants to know about him as he develops and grows. She knows he is alive and well. I know she is alive and well.

We are allowed to ask and answer questions. She has not really asked me much/anything or answered my questions. But I still feel it is of huge value.

It might be that a charity like after adoption could help you with this aspect of life without your child. They might be able to give support.

I try to store up bits of info to send, throught the year, so writing the letter is less hard.

In a funny way it makes me feel connected to his birth mum. When a letter arrives I feel genuine excitement.

Please do not give up but please find support from you.

I would really be surprised if social services ever fakes a letter like this. There is no point. They could just say no letter was sent of one did not arrive. I would imagine this would be a seduce misconduct in faking any document.

Please get support for you.

Italiangreyhound Mon 19-Dec-16 14:08:41

Try After Adoption.... For birth families... They can offer support and advice with letterbox contact. Their website says...

"After Adoption can:

listen to your concerns and help you understand what’s going on

support you if you are going to meet the adoptive parents

offer support and advice with letterbox contact

introduce you to other people who are going through the same situation

provide support to birth relatives

www.afteradoption.org.uk/our-services/your-child-being-adopted

flowers

Italiangreyhound Mon 19-Dec-16 14:09:47

That earlier post should say please find support for you (not from you).

SuzanneL60 Fri 20-Jan-17 14:30:08

Letterbox letters returned. Unaccepted. They wanted them heavily edited- so emailed them back and told them to edit them and put originals in GD box, same for my sons. Not sure what will pass their censoring. Youngest son been in ITU for 3 days since new year over all this and they are winging about keeping up our side. Not often words fail me

Kr1stina Fri 20-Jan-17 16:36:38

Sorry to hear that your son has been ill and that you are finding the social work rules so difficult. Did you contact After Adoption to see if they could help you ?

As others have said, the letters are mostly for your adopted child's benefit. I hope you will feel able to keep it up for his /her sake, despite the other demands on your time.

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