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ex husband is adopting - advice please

(12 Posts)
user1481838758 Thu 15-Dec-16 22:07:04

Found out today that my ex-husband and is partner are at the training course stage of the adoption process.
I found out in the middle of a family counselling session with Relate - and we're there because his anger issues mean our 12-year-old daughter won't see him anymore.
She's scared of him; I find him emotionally abusive. Last week at Relate he shouted at everyone, made my daughter sob, scared me...
I have no idea what affect this will have on my daughter. He says they could have a child within 7 months but that sounds very quick to me. He lies a lot and it's difficult to know what to believe.
Earlier this year he took me to court to have more access to our daughter, and after CAFCASS talked to her he was denied everything he wanted. My daughter talked to CAFCASS about his anger issues so it's documented.
Will the adoption agency take into account the CAFCASS report on him? Will they even find out about it? Will they want to talk to my daughter about his their relationship?
Any thoughts from anyone who has been through this, or who has an insight, would be very gratefully received.

Italiangreyhound Thu 15-Dec-16 22:26:03

user1481838758 does 'found out' mean he told you or someone else did, or the counsellor did?

The process is, as far as I remember, social workers should ask to speak to you and your daughter while accessing him.

If he and his partner have got the training stage then I am quite confused because I would expect these checks to be made before he ever reached the training stage.

This either means:

-He is lying (or whoever told you he was at the training stage is lying)
-Whoever told you has got confused
-He has lied to them about his family background, the fact he has a daughter and ex-wife

I think in your shoes I would talk to the relate counselor about this and raise this as an issue with them privately.

tldr Thu 15-Dec-16 23:22:07

Italian, our training was well before our assessment.

OP, I've got no idea if they'd speak to cafcass or even know about it, but they will want to speak to you at some point. I think they're obligated to. So you'd be able to tell them at that point.

Which doesn't stop you from raising it earlier if you wanted to.


donquixotedelamancha Thu 15-Dec-16 23:38:06

I think it would be unusual, bordering on impossible, for him to adopt without you being spoken to- given you were married and are raising his child. Not all agencies are equal, but not to do proper vetting would be a big and unusual error.

You can (at least at our agency) do the training course at any point in stage two- which means that not all checks will be in. They don't talk to family members until after stage one, so he may just be on the course quickly and they haven't got to you.

It sound like him adopting would be a very bad thing. At the very least you should be honest when asked and flag up these issues. If it were me I would go further and try to provide as much evidence to back up your concerns as possible. They probably won't be able to get the CAFCASs report without you or him providing it. You want to be fair to him in your statements (there are always two sides), and not to appear that you are just out to get him. You also want to protect yourself, perhaps asking the agency not to fully disclose your evidence for your own security.

If you think he may have lied to the agency, could you work out who it is- to contact them? Its likely to be nearby LA or VA, there can't be that many.

Italiangreyhound Fri 16-Dec-16 00:25:36

Oh sorry, I stand corrected. We had to do our references and everything and then the training was later. That was how it appeared but as others have said it was different for them maybe I have it wrong.

It does seem an odd use of public money to train people who may later be 'rejected' due to other features but there you go.

Always check out what you hear, because with the best will we may get things wrong, or at least I may!!

luckylucky24 Fri 16-Dec-16 07:18:05

We have been through the process just this year and although we submitted our references before training, we went to training before they had been submitted and they spoke to them 3/4 months after the training.

luckylucky24 Fri 16-Dec-16 07:18:54

Sorry that should say before the references had all returned them to SS.

flapjackfairy Fri 16-Dec-16 09:18:01

Yes they have to get a reference from you as ex wife so they will get to you. Also i think caffcass involvement should be linked to soc services so i would imagine it will all come out pretty soon.
Be factual and calm and balanced when they speak to you so it is obvious you are not a mad ex with axe to grind.
Anyone who has been denied more access to their bc should be ruled out one would hope ?!

crispandcheesesandwichplease Fri 16-Dec-16 15:01:12

Procedure for an adoption assessment should be that if you've ever been married to, or lived long term with an ex that ex has to be interviewed by the person doing the adoption assessment. It came about, I understand, via a previous (Brighton and Hove ?) case where an adopter seriously harmed a child and afterwards when his ex wife was interviewed she said he had been violent and controlling. Do check this as I am a bit rusty.

Equally, checks should be done to see if there has been any previous CAFCASS involvement and any such reports/recommendations should be included in his assessment. Ditto your daughter should be interviewed by the person undertaking his assessment.

crispandcheesesandwichplease Fri 16-Dec-16 15:06:16

BTW the CAFCASS report is in relation to your daughter so not data protected in your ex husband's favour - IYSWIM

Lovelylolz Sat 17-Dec-16 00:56:50

We've been through the process recently. Our referees were the last step in our application before going to the panel for approval. Significant ex's and children were interviewed as well as siblings, parents and anyone that would be a significant part in the child's life. If his anger issues are documented this might come out in police or medical checks which will probably happen before referees would be interviewed (if you accept to be interviewed).

zigzagbetty Thu 12-Jan-17 14:17:59

My ex partner was contacted for reference after our training courses and we were just at the start of st2 when we went on them. They will contact you I would imagine and may talk to your daughter as well about her feelings. I agree with @flapjackfairy to stay calm and stick to facts so your point is understood.

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