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Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Some advice for a friend of a friend please.

(11 Posts)
LowFatMilkshake Fri 16-Feb-07 06:54:29

We were talking last night about a couple who have fostered a little girl since she was 3 days old - now 15 months.

The circumstances were that she was going to be adopted by a couple but sadly the lady had a terminal illness and passed away. However her sister and partner did'nt want to let the little girl go back to care so fostered her as she was already 'part of the family'.

They now want to adopt her but have been told you can't adopt if you have had bereavement, divorce or are pregnant - all of which this couple have been or are going through.

So when social services get round to it they will take the little girl and put her back into care, instead of leaving her in the stable family environment she knows with other children she has come to look on as siblilngs. But they keep putting this off meaning the poor mite is getting more and more attached to the family.

Is it really this black and white and is there anything they can do.

After all they have been and are going through they have pretty much lost all thier fight!

Aloveheart Fri 16-Feb-07 07:26:39

I have not advice but hope that someone does soon, I really hope it gets sorted for the better. Seems unfair to me.

LowFatMilkshake Fri 16-Feb-07 13:50:15


edam Fri 16-Feb-07 13:53:18

Lowfat, that's heartrending. They are good enough to look after her, but not good enough to be her permanent family?

Can only suggest contacting the NSPCC or British Agencies for Adoption and Fostering for advice.

sunnysideup Fri 16-Feb-07 14:06:01

I've worked with children in foster care and you wouldn't believe some of the damage that's been done to children through their various moves through the care system.

Sometimes the kids had many and various challenging behaviours and difficulties and they would be moved at different stages of their development to different carers who were assessed as being able to cope with the issues the kids were presenting at the time or likely to face as they got older.

Whole thing seemed cockeyed and ill conceived to me. To me even the most damaged kids would be better with stability and consistency.

I think I would tell this couple to FIGHT like mad. She is with them now, I would make SS really have to justify their decisions here.

I would hope they could get some legal advice from a solicitor used to dealing with family law. Also from the adoption societies. And also, when they do speak to ss, make sure they go to Team Manager level or higher! Don't let them put up with what one person says - they need to get their voices heard. NSPCC is a good idea too, they may be able to help and support with this.

KristinaM Sat 17-Feb-07 05:55:10

good advice. i agree, they neeed a lawyer with experience of adoption. and legal aid or a lot of money.

BAAF represent agencies not prospective adopters. they wont be abe to help them

I'm not sure i understand though....did SS approve the sister and DP to foster the child? Is it the sister of the prospective adopter or of the foster carer? And how coudl they have had the child since she was 3 days old? A baby woudl usually go to foster carers first, then to the prospective adopters.

Presumably SS knew that the prospective adopter was termilally ill? I dont undertand as there are extensive medical checks BEFORE a child is placed. And if a child was about to be placed and that fell through, there are always plenty other families approved and waiting for a young baby.

And how coudl the prospective adopter become ill and die without SS knowing? As the adoption order hadnt been granted they woudl still be monitoring the placement. And if the child had already been adopted, why wouldnt she stay with her father?

I'm sorry, it doenst make sense to me - coudl you explain more please?

KTeePee Sat 17-Feb-07 07:13:33

Don't know the "legalities" but I rememebr working with someone who was going through the adoption process for a 2 year old boy... he mentioned that the foster parents (who'd had him since newborn} had been keen to adopt him themselves but because they were of different ethnic background to the child were not considered (obviously there may have been other reasons) - the person I knew was not from the same ethnic background as the child either but had already adopted child from a similar background from abroad.

Having had three children myself now I can imagine how upsetting it must be for the children and foster parents in these circumstances.

april74 Sat 17-Feb-07 07:36:59

seems very sad, shame it doesn't always follow whats in the best interest of the child, hope your friends manage to sort things out.

LowFatMilkshake Sat 17-Feb-07 07:52:39

KM - as this is a freidn of a friend - who I know of, but do not know I dont have all the details.

All I know is that the sister was set to adopt the baby but became ill, so her sister looked after her instead hoping the intended adopter would get better. Perhaps when they say family they mean the bigger family as a whole??

KristinaM Sat 17-Feb-07 12:07:55

sorry lowfat - inaswer to your original post

"They now want to adopt her but have been told you can't adopt if you have had bereavement, divorce or are pregnant "

that is rubbish. its not best practice to start thinking about adoption or starting an assessment in these circumstances, obviously its a time of upheaval. But as they already are caring for the child, SS shoudl consider what is in the child's best interest for the rest of her life, not just immediatley.

It sounds to me like they are effectively acting as her foster carers. SS shoudl consider their application on a indivdual basis. However, most foster carers woudl not be allowed to adopt a baby just because they had cared for it for a year, espcially if they are not relatives of the child or if they woulndt meet the normal criteria for baby adopters eg have more than one (biological) living child or are not infertile etc . if teh prospective adoptive mother is pregnant or they have young children i woudl say they have little chance of success.

It woudl be viewed differently if they were biological relatives. not that that matters to the child of course - they are the only family she has known. How very - to have lost 2 mothers when you are 15 months old

But I'm not a laywer...that's what they need. as well as a lot of ££££ and luck

ksmum Wed 21-Feb-07 11:22:01

They could try contacting adoptionuk, which respresents adopters and adoptees.

Just to clarify something: you don't have to be infertile to adopt, though if you are not and go for adoption as first choice they can be very suspicious of your motives. You can also have more than one child.

You can also have more than one biological child; I know an adopter with 4 birth children and one adopted.

They will need to be assessed and approved and just because they are foster carers does not mean this will automatically happen.

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