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Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Anyone watching the adoption piece on This Morning?

(51 Posts)
MintyLizzy9 Mon 28-Nov-16 12:02:23

Great that it's raising awareness but in all honesty I'm not sure how I feel about the public 'outing' of the adoptees. I spoke to my friend earlier this week on the back of another Facebook post about a birth mum trying to find her child and the well meaning people who share and share and share and if I'm being totally honest the fear that if they would do this for a stranger on the back of a very one sided emotional post what the hell would they do in years to come if they see a post about DS and recognise him. I'm genuinely torn over this, I will of course support my son if when he reaches 18 his wants to trace his birth family but the thought of some children/young adults/adults opening the door one day to someone out of the blue makes me feel sick.

We all know that the majority of adoptions are now forced as thankfully being single or young isn't a reason to remove a child these days, it's down to abuse and neglect.

I reported a post to Facebook a few months ago, a very outing post with photos, dates of birth and a lot of family info including the first names of the adopters asking for help to trace minors whom had been removed and adopted because birth family felt waiting until the youngest had turned 18 wasn't fair. Facebook said the post was fine confused

Not even sure why I'm posting to be honest just feel very nervous and uneasy today after seeing a few friends share these kind of posts recently then the big segment on tv this morning.

tldr Mon 28-Nov-16 14:55:41

www.youtube.com/watch?v=THhPihYhJfc

It's here if you want to watch.

Lovelylolz Mon 28-Nov-16 15:21:05

Hi Mint, this is a huge fear of ours going into adoption. I had the same thought when I seen that Facebook post that seems to have gone viral, I also think when I see unofficial missing persons it could be a woman in refuge or someone in witness protection or indeed kids in foster care or adopted for their safety but as you say the emotional posts tug on heart strings and strangers share with good intentions of being helpful. Social media definitely has a dangerous side.

MintyLizzy9 Mon 28-Nov-16 15:37:10

I knew all this prior to even knowing DS....I think 'the fear' has been building for a while, I suppose the longer we're a family the less I think about HOW we became a family in a day to day basis and then some days boom it hits me between the eyes! They couldn't find him in nursery the other week, just five minutes confusion about which group activity he was doing as the class had split for the last hour but it happened to be a couple of days after I had dreamt that BM had found and taken him back, how I held my shit together I don't know but there were tears when I got home!

Gah, anyone fancy clubbing together and we can get an island in the Caribbean with no wifi smile

i can put a tenner down today

flapjackfairy Mon 28-Nov-16 16:25:24

Yes dessert island sounds good to me though not the clubbing!!
Far too old for all that ha ha x

MintyLizzy9 Mon 28-Nov-16 17:14:48

haha you and me both!

Lovelylolz Mon 28-Nov-16 17:25:17

You done well to hold it together! Yeah I'll stick a tenner in too!!

catsnickedallmypens Mon 28-Nov-16 18:34:36

I raise you £20 for the island fund plus wine, books and our cat!

There's a great book about adoption and social media called 'Bubble wrapped Children' I think. It's a couple of years old now but I'd recommend it. T'is a big worry for the future.

When are packing our cases then?!

MintyLizzy9 Mon 28-Nov-16 19:13:54

Mines packed I'm just waiting for the nod.

I have a litre of gin and a sun hat....oh yes and a potty training threenager FML I hope the real teens aren't this hard!

MintyLizzy9 Mon 28-Nov-16 19:17:34

Just googled bubble wrapped kids by mistake......😂

catsnickedallmypens Mon 28-Nov-16 19:31:19

Nice one Minty!

ficklesticklebricks Mon 28-Nov-16 19:46:31

smile Minty

I fell out with someone over fakebook about this. (Off to name change!) Mainly because it was the last straw in keeping my shit together, and I lost it. (Not good, I know.)

I feel that this is a huge invasion for the adult adoptee. I know the birth mother feels she didn't have a choice, but the person with absolutely no choice in this is the adoptee. The facebook post details the adoptees story, the adoptees name, the adoptees image, without her consent. The fact it is her birth name does not stop it being her name. She may not wish to be found, and all this could be causing distress to someone who had absolutely no choice in this, all without her consent. The post from the birth mother appears heartfelt, but it is very emotionally charged, and could be read as manipulative. The facebook post has someone posting on it who said she has traced the adoptees marriage cert, and therefore her new names, so it's totally outing for her, if that is true. So hard, if she just wants to get on with her private life. This is going to sound harsh, but I think I would struggle to connect with a family member who was that publicly unrestrained emotionally, and told my story without my consent.

There are ways to try and contact an adopted family member, that are less emotionally charged, and respect the adoptees privacy. To use social media to bypass these accepted routes could be seen to be putting your own needs to have contact above the needs of the adoptee, or anyone else, to have an intermediary or counselling. I am hoping that one day an adopted relative would like to get in touch with us (birth family), but I would never undertake a social media campaign like this, the birth mother would be horrified at the thought! Partly because we are private people. But mostly out of respect for the adoptee, that they deserve to be in control here, they deserve to have their lives, stories and privacy respected.

I also wondered if we changed the sex. If it was a birth father, where he posted saying he was forced to walk away from his baby when a teenager, but would now like to be in touch, would people be sharing that in the same way? I doubt it. It's something about that fairytale reunion, that permeates people's beliefs about adoption. I think as adopters, we are more cynical about the fairytale.

Bubble Wrapped Children looks really interesting, thanks for the recommendation.

MintyLizzy9 Mon 28-Nov-16 20:20:28

Fickle you managed to word how I feel so much better than I did! I was so close to posting something myself asking people to just think before sharing. One friend who shared a similar post grew up watching dozens of foster kids come through her home, one of whom stayed for over 10 years but STILL felt it ok to share.

I might still do it then flounce off Facebook forever 💃🏻💪🏻

ficklesticklebricks Mon 28-Nov-16 20:27:17

Such a relief to find others that feel similarly, actually.

Someone responded to me just posting part of that with a post saying I don't understand social media, and I shouldn't use it. Been feeling really shit about it for a couple of days, as to whether I was turning into a super sensitive person for anything involving adoption. I probably am, but that's because my every living breathing moment is spent trying to make life ok for a small, hurting, adopted person just now, with next to no understanding except outside this board.

So, thank you, everyone, for making me feel a little saner, and please may I join you on the island? I don't have a tenner just now (SAP doesn't stretch), but you can have an IOU, and I promise I have useful expertise.

MintyLizzy9 Mon 28-Nov-16 20:45:53

Back yer bag love, you're in!

tldr Mon 28-Nov-16 21:40:42

You can complain here

viewerservices@itv.com

ficklesticklebricks Mon 28-Nov-16 21:46:13

And get labelled a 'hater'. I do wonder exactly what her "hatemail" said. No one deserves hatemail, actual hatemail.

tldr Mon 28-Nov-16 21:58:11

Uhhhm, whut? I complained to itv about them running the piece, I didn't send (nor advocate sending) hate mail to the mother. confused

ficklesticklebricks Mon 28-Nov-16 22:03:16

No, I know. Sorry. Badly put.

I just wonder (uncharitably) how much of the 'hatemail' the birth mother talks about in the clip, is in fact people gently saying that perhaps this isn't fair on the adoptee and her privacy.

I would imagine any complaints would be ignored. TV loves this sort of reunion stuff.

tldr Mon 28-Nov-16 22:06:01

Oh. Yes. You're right. And of course we mostly STFU because privacy.

I just checked a local mum FB group I'm on - this original post had been shared 4 or 5 times and challenged never. And of course, I haven't because privacy.

MintyLizzy9 Mon 28-Nov-16 22:23:18

Well I'm going to complain as well and I'm half way through wording something for Facebook in the vain hope my friends and family will stop and bloody well think. Obviously won't be sharing DS story but general adoption info and a link when I find it to a documentary that was partly filmed in my town. I'll share when it's finished!

Poppystellar Mon 28-Nov-16 22:43:29

I'll chip in with a complaint too. (Probably stealing most of fickle's eloquently worded argument) wink.

And can I come to the island as well please. I have about £3.73 in loose change I can contribute.

MintyLizzy9 Mon 28-Nov-16 22:56:25

Well why not, I'm feeling flush having got paid for a KIT day and two days pay this month! Adoption leave has ended and I'm now officially on annual leave until the new year 😢

MintyLizzy9 Mon 28-Nov-16 23:00:02

Ok, if I post this on my Facebook will I come across like a right twat?

There are many posts on Facebook at the moment regarding adoption, one of which has gone viral and was featured on This Morning today. The removal of children from birth families is a very emotive subject and heartbreaking for everyone involved so I understand why many share posts of birth mothers searching for their children. However, the reality is often not the fairytale reunion many hope will happen when they share such posts.

I could talk forever about adoption, the reasons why children are adopted, the process, the realities, the emotional fall out and ultimately the child left to deal with experiences, memories and emotions an adult would struggle with. Instead I just ask that before you hit the share button please think about WHY that child was adopted.

Modern adoptions are mainly 'forced', meaning children are removed following extensive interventions and support to keep them with their birth family and removal is the last resort in order to keep the child safe. The decision is not taken lightly and is made by a number of people working in the interests of the child/ren over a period of time. Removal only happens in the extreme cases.

In addition to the safety element, adoption is the child's story, it isn't a secret but it is personal and private and is always a difficult story. You will never know the full story from any of the Facebook posts.

The law changed some time ago regarding reuniting adopted people and birth families and there are many agencies who will facilitate contact if BOTH the adopted person (when they have turned 18) and birth family member (if not deemed to be a risk to the adopted person) are in agreement. Professionals will work with both sides to ensure that emotionally everyone is prepared and ready and ongoing support will be available.

Bypassing this process is not in the best interests of either party.

I've attached a couple of links to documentaries on adoption (some of which is filmed in sunny XXHOME TOWNXX!) in case any of you are interested in learning a little more.

If you've read all of this thank you. Disclaimer, if you watch the documentaries you will need tissues!

15000 kids and counting, a documentary about adoption youtu.be/yzBteuqirhk
Protecting our children dai.ly/x15pc3t

Lovelylolz Mon 28-Nov-16 23:15:23

Minty if you were on my Facebook I'd share that post to spread the word. To me it comes across educational and hopefully thought provoking for the sharers.

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