Daughter does not like MIL

[wittytwitty]

DD came to us in September. She has come on so much, smiles at everyone and is very pleasant and content. The only person she cries at is MIL.
I get on fine with MIL other than her blatant disregard for our views regarding raising our children. She expressed this when DD came home and despite being asked to stay away for a few days she showed up on day 3 with cards and DD got very distressed. This has continued and even today every time MIL even looks at her she gets upset.
I am not sure what to do. It is early days yet but MIL is the only relative nearby and has a great relationship with DS so would like to try and encourage her to be more comfortable in her presence. Any ideas?

[MadHattersWineParty]

Seriously?

Babies can't 'hate' anyone. This sounds like a wind up, no one can be this ridiculous.

[GettingitwrongHauntingatnight]

Is dd adopted?

[Sirzy]

That's what I wondered getting

[MadHattersWineParty]

If assumed DD was a baby born in September, although if she was adopted and a bit older I suppose it might make more sense...

[wittytwitty]

Yes she is adopted.

Madhatter I didn't say she hated her.

[HappinessLivesHere]

I assumed the little girl was adopted too. How about short days out together somewhere neutral? Park/lunch/ visit Santa?

[wittytwitty]

She is one yr old.

[MadHattersWineParty]

You didn't, I apologise. I just couldn't imagine a baby actively disliking someone. How old is DD?

[wittytwitty]

She turned one the week she came home.

[MadHattersWineParty]

Oh, so she is a baby.

[ElspethFlashman]

They have to spend time together one on one. Doesn't have to be much time, or away from your house. Even playing with toys together with you at a distance/in the kitchen.

[KurriKurri]

Your baby is 2monthsold ? - she will grow out of it. Next month she might cry every time she sees your partner. Babies a re like that - fickle !

I suspect the fact that you feel she is upset by your MIL makes you tense up when MIL approaches and your baby is picking upon this. Try to chill out a bit - no harm is going to come to the baby - she's just crying a bit, let her see more of MIL so she gets used to her. Have the baby lying on a mat when MIL comes round so she doesn't pick up any bodily tension from you. Have her sit on MIL's lap and if she cries distract her with a toy rather than take her away.

Also - you said to stay away fora few days when baby was born, and MIL came on day 3? I think many people would see that as a few days, she wanted to see the baby and brought cards - I think the fact that your DD got distressed on that occasion is either that she happened to be crying (she was a new born - they do get worked up) or you were annoyed that your MIL had come round and again the baby picked up on it.

Don't project your irritation and feelings onto your baby - otherwise you will spoil the relationship she has with her grandmother.

[PeggyMitchell123]

Just tell your mil to back off a little and let your dd go to her. My son used to cry if my mil held him, he is now 3 and loves her just like he does everyone.

[ClopySow]

RTFT

[KurriKurri]

Ah - OK she is one, that is a bit different. But the advice holds, just get her used to your MIL gradually, let them interact - you start playing with her and MIL quietly comes and joins in, rather than full on being with MIL on her own Maybe meet outside where you can walk in the park or something and your DD will have plenty to distract her and forget your MIL is there.

Try to observe whether there is any specific small thing that is triggering your DD's distress - something your MIL does - it might be something quite simply and ordinary, - then it is easy enough for your MIL to adjust her behaviour.

[blueskyinmarch]

Is it possible that your MIl reminds her of someone who was around in her previous life? Someone who does not have positive memories for her? It could be your MIL tone of voice, her smell anything that might be bringing back horrible memories for her?

[blueskyinmarch]

Babies start laying down neural memories in vitro and I guess you may never know what she has experienced that might affect her as she grows up.

[KurriKurri]

Clopysow - sometimes when you are writing a reply, others post or OP comes back and gives more information, which of course you don;t see until after your post has gone up. When I started my reply there was only one answer to the OP.

RTFT is so rude. Especially when initial post was not clear

[LateToTheParty]

I think it's too soon for her to be spending any time with MIL alone, and I say that as an adoptive mother whose DC2 came home at a similar age. She's been home what, 6/8 weeks? At this stage she just needs to be with you & DH, & short managed visits by others if she can cope. She's already lost at least her birth mum & dad and foster carer(s) and she needs some calm continuity while she gets used to her new life with you.

Can you, or better still, DH, speak to your MIL and set her expectations regarding seeing your DD. Unless there's a horrendous back story your MIL is probably just excited about getting to know her new granddaughter, but the relationship can't be fast forwarded. Contact between them needs to be low key & short to start with, then built in over time. This is what our social workers advised too.

All the best to you all

[Autumnsunshinebaby]

Having some experience of adoption, I think it would be wise to ask for advice from your contact person/social worker. It's important that you don't force a relationship between them before your daughter is ready. It all needs to be done gently and carefully. It sounds like you are trying to do this though already.

[wittytwitty]

It is possible she reminds her of someone. There is no way of us finding out though unfortunately.
We have been doing a soft approach with mil hanging back but even eye contact seems to upset her.

[MistyMinge]

I second what Blue said. I wonder if MIL brings back memories of someone. I think only time can help. Does your DD like looking at books? Maybe get mil to sit with her and look through some books. Get her used to being in her presence and reinforce positive associations with MIL.