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Calling ourselves mum and dad.

(22 Posts)
flapjackfairy Tue 22-Nov-16 08:49:40

We got our adoption order through last week for our gorgeous 2 yr old foster child. We are so thrilled and it is hard to take in that we are now officially mum and dad (though of course we have been calling ourselves that since matching). We are in our early 50s with grown up bc so not exactly spring chickens!
Our little man has complex needs and we have masses of hospital appointments and engage with numerous professionals and I am finding it hard when they ask us " who are you in relation to this child". Before the ao i would just say foster carers but in the process of adopting but now i am struggling with just coming out and saying we are mum and dad. I always feel like i have to add that he is adopted because of the puzzled looks we get due to our age (probably think we have had a hard life!!) Dr called us grandparents yesterday which is going to happen i suppose.
Obviously i dont want to tell all and sundry our business so how do we come out as mum and dad without feeling awkward??
Those of you ...ahem...older adoptive parents out there how did you handle it ?

flapjackfairy Tue 22-Nov-16 15:11:09

It has happened again today! Before ao no one ever referred to us as grandparents but sat in a cafe today someone leaned over and said " I love looking after my grandchildren as well". I did blurt out that I was mum and tried to brazen it out but she got talking and then I felt the need to justify being his mum by explaining. What is wrong with me??

crispandcheesesanwichplease Tue 22-Nov-16 18:20:21

flapjack you are now the parents of your son, get used to it! I know it feels odd but just say I am his mother. Your age is nobody else's business. The only people you need to tell you are adoptive parents are professionals where his history/medical history may be relevant to understanding his specific needs.


conserveisposhforjam Tue 22-Nov-16 19:19:41

Luisa Dillner write a guardian column about having a baby at 48 didn't she? Tell them you're her!

You need a few lines - 'I know! It's amazing being parents again at our age! So unexpected! ' totally true grin

It got to be a bit of a game with me - being truthful but not telling anyone he was adopted. It's easy once you've practised. And amazing how little people really listen to whether you answer their questions...

bambino2014 Tue 22-Nov-16 19:22:05

We got asked if our lo was a mistake once as there is a significant age gap between her and birth step child. If only they knew!!!!
Congratulations! Wishing you lots of very happy times ahead x

flapjackfairy Tue 22-Nov-16 20:03:47

Thankyou crisp I needed a kick up the bum on this one. Being a foster carer doesnt help because you spend all your time telling people that they cannot call you childs mum ( even though our long term foster child has been with us 9 yrs and i consider him mine i cannot officially be his mum) . So as we have adopted our youngest fc it is a big mental shift. But you are right I need to just say he is my son and i am his mother. Sounds simple enough!

flapjackfairy Tue 22-Nov-16 20:08:57

Thanks conserve and bambino. I like the idea of being a bit economical with the truth and I am off to practice some good replies! And I cant believe what some people will ask bambino! X

ExpatMrs Tue 22-Nov-16 20:30:54

Parenting is more than just genetics. You're giving this child a wonderful home and everything else that adoption entails. Age is irrelevant. Congrats to you all, wishing you all well - you deserve to be known as Mum and Dad so shout from the rooftops. This LO will bring you so much joy

flapjackfairy Tue 22-Nov-16 20:48:32

Thanks expat for your good wishes. I do feel so proud of my little boy and i want to tell everyone but at the same time i am concious of confidentiality.To be honest I have been a bit taken aback by how surreal it all feels to suddenly officially be mum to a child who has lived with us for 18 months now. Also i think you try and hold back a bit in case it goes wrong and doesnt happen for some reason or other if that makes sense. Added to that we have had a lot of contact with birth parents and have built up a good relationship with them so it is hard to make that mental shift i guess. But we are overjoyed and have wanted to adopt for a v long time so we are indeed grateful to be parents again at our age and loving it .

RatherBeIndoors Wed 23-Nov-16 09:18:03

"I'm even luckier - I'm his mum"
"Must wear more make-up, I'm not grandma, I'm mum <tinkly little laugh>"
"He's my son actually, isn't he fabulous?"

It is really, really hard to learn not to explain and I definitely regret a bit of over-explaining during our early days. Now I say something like the above in a light tone, but with a hard glare at the ready if there are follow-up questions grin and a "what an odd question to ask!" if they're really persistent.

Congratulations on your AO. Lovely news!

flapjackfairy Wed 23-Nov-16 14:44:35

Great replies Rather! Will try them . And thanks for good wishes x

2old2beamum Wed 30-Nov-16 15:36:31

flapjackfairy just found this, congratulations. You think you have problems I was 62 when our youngest was bornblush
When I had our 2 Downs daughters in a twin buggy (age 1 &4) I was asked why I did not have The was white and the youngest West Indian!
Enjoy your little one

flapjackfairy Wed 30-Nov-16 17:28:12

Thanks for your good wishes 2old. I did smile at the story re your girls! Some people eh?!
Do you generally just say I am mum and leave it at that? Or do you give a bit of an explaination?
I feel as if it is sinking in a bit more now that i am a mum again. It is a lovely feeling.x

giraffessay Wed 30-Nov-16 19:05:30

Fucking hell, 2old! How rude! As in "why were these children allowed to live?"

I don't think I would have been polite!

2old2beamum Wed 30-Nov-16 19:07:53

flapjackfairy Sometimes I do explain if I get quizzical looks and sometimes I think sod it mind your own business! I do get annoyed at the hospital (I am sure you understand having a LO with complex needs) when Doctors say and who are you. Read the notes you fool!
Fortunately there are still a few staff who knew me in my working days.........distant dream.
Enjoy your children it is just the best xx

2old2beamum Wed 30-Nov-16 19:11:49

Sorry missed your postgiraffessay I was for once lost for words but my friend said do you have a problem with these children.......meangry

flapjackfairy Wed 30-Nov-16 21:28:58

I would have just laughed out loud at the stupidity of them !
My ltfc is asian and looks odd due to his disability so we are used to returning rude stares (so much more effective now I wear glasses as I have perfected the over the glasses glare at people who gawp) . But somehow I find it hard to speak up and answer awkward questions. However I am learning fast! Thanks everyone for your advice

Italiangreyhound Sun 11-Dec-16 17:57:38

Good luck Flapjack I was 45 when adopted ds was born, not exactly aged buy getting that way! I just state I am mum if there is any confusion. The teachers and doctors know he is adopted UN case this is relevant to education or medical things. I love being evasive about think I don't like to answer!

Italiangreyhound Sun 11-Dec-16 19:14:28

In case not UN case!

flapjackfairy Sun 11-Dec-16 21:20:58

Thanks italian. My husband loves to be deliberately evasive if people want to know too much and is so much better at this stuff than me!
It is not that i am trying to ignore the fact that he is adopted and pretend he is our birth child but more the fact that it gets a bit much when people ask lots of questions once they find out iykwim. Gets a bit tedious! X

Italiangreyhound Sun 11-Dec-16 21:44:48

It's totally right, IMHO, that others (who do not need to know), do not know.

OlennasWimple Mon 12-Dec-16 00:05:38

Yes, find somethings to say that are true enough that you can say them with conviction

I found it easier to say that I was DD's parent, rather than her mum, for a while.

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