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Adoption before birth children

(16 Posts)
devilslake Wed 09-Nov-16 09:29:58

Hi does anyone have experience of adopting, then going on to have birth children?

DH & I have been told we can only conceive through IVF. Im not sure i want to go through it and am drawn to adoption. However I can't say that i wont ever want to try IVF. (DH already has biological children).

there are lots of discussions about adopting after having a birth child, but not much the other way around.

any thoughts? thanks

Buster5187 Wed 09-Nov-16 10:48:42


We adopted our son he was 4 at the time. I am now pregnant so will have a birth child early next year.
I too am yet to find many in this situation so unfortunately cannot offer any real advice. In our case DS is so ready for a sibling, and he is at a good age to understand more what is happening. This isn't to say it won't come with it's issues. So far he has taken to it all brilliantly with baby steps of explaining from our part.

I think the common advice is to adopt after if you are going to have birth children? But if the situation arises differently I feel families cope and adapt as they need to.

Sorry I couldn't offer more help other than we are in this situation

delilabell Wed 09-Nov-16 11:05:23

We adopted our ds due to failed fertility treatment and unexplained infertility. He's been with us two years when dd was born (completely unplanned)
He handled the pregnancy really well but on a practical side hated me being away from him when I was in hospital for 5 days. He struggled a lot with that.
We were very very open with him about it all. We also explain his story very clearly to him so that he knows how wanted he was too.
Dd is now 6months old and it has dawned om ds that he came from another ladies tummy. It has prompted a lot of questions from him which he's struggling with which you will need to be prepared for.
He absolutely adores his sister (to the point of having to step in with over hard cuddles sometimes) but it is going to be a difficult situation for the two of them.
I'm not saying ots the wrong way to do things but a point is. Your potential ac. What if you did try the ivf and it failed. Would that affect how they felt? That they weren't good enough? I thibk it's all down to how it's handled but you'd need to be prepared.

devilslake Wed 09-Nov-16 12:13:51

thank you both.

Its a hard decision to make. at the moment my desire is to be a mum, its not to get pregnant if that makes sense- having been a step mum for about 10 years i know that i don't need to 'birth' a child to love it. i think that you both are right, in terms of the children it must be how you deal with it as a family and how you adapt.

delilabell - what is the age difference between your children?

thank you

delilabell Wed 09-Nov-16 12:54:32

Ds is 4 dd is 6months.
I thibk it would also depend on how ac is. It might not be practical to have another child if it has additional needs or you might be offered a sibling group. We've said we wouldn't have another birth child because then our ds would be "outnumbered " (plus we weren't even financially planning on this one! ) But another thing is if ac has other siblings in other families tgat it meets up with. How would your bc feel about that?
I don't mean to sound negative, these are things that swam round my head when I was pregnant!

UnderTheNameOfSanders Wed 09-Nov-16 21:20:32

We did IVF a few times, and it was exhausting mentally and physically. I honestly don't know how we would have coped with another child at the same time (though obviously people do). An adopted child may well have more needs than are apparent at time of adoption.

To be honest I think if you adopt you should do it assuming you wouldn't then try IVF. If circumstances were such later that you thought it would be fine then that's great, but I wouldn't go into adoption expecting to keep IVF as an option iyswim?

changed4post Fri 11-Nov-16 21:53:45

Our DD's are 2 and under 1. Our elder DD was placed with us and before the adoption order arrived we discovered I was pregnant.
We had been through many years of IVF and had been told, even with the most advanced treatment we had less than a 5% chance of a live birth. After much heartache we decided to adopt. It has been an amazing and wonderful experience. However, not without it's challenges, our daughter was under a year when she came to us, and due to the circumstances around her birth needs more than a birth child would.
Finding out I was pregnant was a delightful shock. Throughout the pregnancy I had a lot of concerns, about our 2 children.
In regards to your question, I would make the following points;

I would not manage to have IVF and care for our adopted daughter. I would have struggled with managing my own emotions whilst dealing with a hurting child. It would have compounded how hard I found IVF and I would have found it exhausting.

I did struggle being pregnant and caring for a child who needed me, it was an emotionally tiring time and I was torn emotionally between my children. For example my elder daughter needs to be held and carried all of the time and during pregnancy I did not have the physical strength for this. She also lashes out and kicks, this was hard to deal with at the same time as being pregnant.

Now both children are here I often feel torn between my 2 children. They have very different needs, physically look very different (which is relevant when we attend baby groups as we are not disclosing DD1 is adopted to people we meet). We feel a need to balance the needs of both children all of the time. I know all parents of 2 young children feel this but I think it is magnified when a child is adopted. For example when DD1 hurts DD2, we need to bring DD1 in close and support her using PACE techniques (look up Dan Hughes) but at the same time comfort DD2.

We would not change anything, but we did not plan to have a birth child after adopting. I would suggest that if you do want to have a birth child, or are even unsure at the moment I would resolve this before adopting a child.

If you wish to know more please send me a PM, sorry for the long post.

tldr Sat 12-Nov-16 08:59:34

buster I had no idea - congrats! flowersflowersflowers

Summerwood1 Sat 12-Nov-16 21:14:28

We adopted before we had a birth child. I wish we had done it the other way around.

Italiangreyhound Sat 12-Nov-16 22:38:32

Buster Congratulations, I did not know. smile

devilslake we have a birth daughter (12) and adopted son (6).

I'd really recommend if you want to have a birth child you go for IVF first. For the reasons mentioned above.

Also adoption could take a minimum of 12-20 months, or perhaps a lot longer now. I know people who I think have been waiting a few years for the right match. If you are currently in your mid twenties this could mean you are 30 before you consider IVF. If you are in your early 30s it could mean you are mid thirties before you pursue IVF. Assuming you are going to use your own eggs, mid thirties is the time your fertility will start to go down significantly. Even before that your chances of successful IVF will go down the longer you wait.

Also I think social workers will want to hear that either you have had the IVF you want to try or that you are not planning any. So you will need to be able to convince her/him/them of that. The reason is they will not want to spend 6 months to a year assessing you if you are going to end up going for IVF.

I hope you will work out what is right for you both. What does your dh think?

Can I ask how old are you?

Can I ask how old your step kids are, roughly, nothing to identify you of course, just asking?

bostonkremekrazy Sun 13-Nov-16 12:01:25

We have done it both ways.....adopted, ivf baby, adopted.
My advice is have a birth child first....pursue ivf until you have a baby or give up and stop trying.
I say this as it will just make life easier all around.....sw like you to be finished on your fertility journey before you adopt, its complicated for the adopted child if you then have a birth child and can bring up all kinds of issues you cant predict.....and time is ticking for ivf biologically in a way it doesnt for adoption.
I think its best to do ivf first personally. Hope that helps

Buster5187 Wed 16-Nov-16 11:04:41

Thank you Italian and Tlrd smile

Devil - we came to adoption for different reasons than 'most' I'd say. So from our point of view a lot of what you have to consider, we didn't have to. But just to echo what the others have said, emotionally for yourself it may be worthwhile sticking with one route especially for your own well-being.

akuabadoll Fri 18-Nov-16 04:11:31

hello devilslake

Perhaps this is of interest to you. It's a thread I started in 2012 when thinking about IVF after adoption

My second child is now 3 years from second round of IVF.

catlover1987 Sun 19-Nov-17 18:24:25

Sorry, I know this is an old thread but I just wondered if the OP was still around and what they decided on?

We are in similar situation. At the point where it’s looking like we will need fertility treatment to conceive but I’m not keen and think I would prefer to adopt. Just scared at some point in the future I will regret not pursuing ivf.

Italiangreyhound Sun 19-Nov-17 21:43:13

catlover I have no idea what the OP chose. But I think you are best to decide I've then adoption if you choose or one or other.

IVF is emotionally demanding and also requires many medical checks etc. So you would either need to take your adopted child with you or leave them with someone (unless they were at school by the time you started).

Can I ask how old you are?

Italiangreyhound Sun 19-Nov-17 21:43:34

Good luck, by the way.

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