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now im struggling.......

(11 Posts)
twoblueskies Sun 06-Nov-16 20:58:01

Hi everyone , ive posted before after adopting our dd , we also have a bd. we are going through the tricky twos , you know ... not settling , testing boundaries and monkeying about . Im not phased by this but im so very tired. I posted before that i have not got family support due to their crapness, my husband also sometimes has to work away odd nights and i work partime , i went back in may to a sressful job , yes like a lot of us ,and i have sole responsibilty most days to drop off , pick up, feed , and keep alive........... and i am going crazy .......... me and partner are arguing all the time ( i would say we did have a good relationship before). The usual advice of having someone look after children isnt possible due to no family or anyone close by and yes we are too tired to get a babysitter ....... he will come home from being away and ask why i didnt answer his calls , because i was doing bedtime!!!!!!!! then he will tell me he went to a restaurant to eat out before getting an early night in a lovely hotel .... and thats when i will snap or cry and we'll argue.
Yes in a lot of ways he is great, will get up in night when dd wakes , go shopping if i tell him what to buy , prepare meal ,but will arrange days out at weekend with mates leaving me to do another day , or suggest a day out for us with his childless freinds , leaving me to manage our dd while he gets into chatting , i refuse to do this now.
Does anyone know what im talking about ...... or am i going plain crazy

luckylucky24 Mon 07-Nov-16 06:51:01

Totally know what you mean about single friends! I m the same and don't go anymore.
I also feel a bit lonely some days. I am a very sociable person and need some interaction. Do you have any friends you could go out with when DD is in bed. Even if it is just for an hour? I know what you mean about being tired. DD sleeps through but is up at 5am and it is killing me. Our compromise so far has been eating tea when the kids are in bed at the weekend so that we get some time alone. I a hoping to go out for an hour two every other week tired or not!

twoblueskies Mon 07-Nov-16 08:15:57

thankyou lucky for getting it , its tough and i remember us hitting this point with our first ......and now we have two ! how old is your lo ?

im glad you get the childless friend thing , im constantly worried about others perceptions although generally my two are really good , by parents standard! . but childless friends want to wander chat and leisurely lunch , not possible , and my other half doesnt get it , hes the one chatting oblivious to the war tactics im managing at the other end of the table.

im planning days out at weekends with friends , not much just shopping , cinema , meal etc yes im sociable too and get lonely , i do work but my work means i dont see colleagues reguarly so often its just me and girls until he gets in from work , often late. by that time ive given up with talking and just want my bed. i do miss nights out with my other but even getting a babysitter is a gamble as youngest doesnt settle and its a battle at the moment .

spose i just wanted a winge and to know its not just me feeling like an incompetent............

flapjackfairy Mon 07-Nov-16 15:12:43

Do you have any friends with kids you could go out with during the day at weekends if dh is out ?
Or maybe other adoptors you could pal up with even if just to chat with on telephone during lonely times?
Just breaking the day up with a quick outing to the shops etc helps imo

twoblueskies Mon 07-Nov-16 20:50:34

Hi yes i do have friends i can meet up with at weekends but running around after little one means even meeting up with friends isnt a chance to catch up ...... im just missing having support , when we started the assessment i had family who were around to baby sit etc but after a horrible fall out it became clear that we were on our own , and ive got a feeling that ive become horribly dependent on my partner , not something i expected tbh sad

Daisiemoo Tue 08-Nov-16 20:18:16

Oh my gosh! Twoblueskies, this post could have been written by me!
You are not alone, its tough!
I do part time and then volunteer on one of my days off at the school. Helps my lo settle and I get to see other adults!
My DH sounds very similiar to yours! I think hes in cuckoo land half the time, no point arguing though. I just go to bed early with a book and let him deal with the bedtime evils.
Big hugs xx

crispandcheesesanwichplease Tue 08-Nov-16 20:40:20

Hi twoblueskies, I'm really sorry to hear that things are so crap.

I'm a bit puzzled by the chronology here because if I understand correctly, and I may have got it wrong, but you had an older BC with your OH then went on to adopt a further child - is this right?

Your OH's behaviour sounds like that of many dad's I know who basically manage to become a parent but still hang on to part of their 'before kids' lifestyle by only, in fact, parenting part-time whilst assuming mum will always do the rest. This is very, very common and horribly unfair. So I'm a bit confused, was your OH like this with your BC or is it new selfish behaviour?

I can totally get the exhaustion/loss of sense of self/isolation of having a young child and working. It's relentless and I have been there. I also lost most of my supposed support system since adopting a child and some of the reasons that happened are still a mystery to me.

I've also, and still do to some extent, know that if we are out as a family that my OH will carry on merrily chatting to other adults, oblivious to the battles I'm having trying to keep by DD occupied, behaving, relatively calm and quiet. And I see it every time I spend time with my lovely friend and her OH and child. Friend always sits at side of child at mealtimes, OH sits wherever. Friend leaves her food to go cold whilst she cuts up LO's food and makes sure it's not too hot. Friend has her meal and conversations constantly interrupted as she's trying to get LO to concentrate on eating, stay at the table, use some semblance of table manners, take Lo to the loo etc, her OH is at chatting away to everyone having interesting conversations and eating hot food.

It's so shit and I see it all over. And - who sorts out school dinner money/uniform/school admin/arranging play dates, plans the family meals, organises the family (all requiring though, time and effort), the woman usually. When you do get a bit of time off you're too tired to enjoy it and possibly too worried about the chaos that may be going off at home with an incompetent partner in charge.

You're obviously feeling stressed and vulnerable at the mo so I'm not going to shout LTB because at this moment in time I suspect you just need some understanding and sympathy from us which is fair enough. But he is being a selfish twunt and it's really not at all fair. And I'm feeling for you.

Can I just add that you are also grieving the loss of your family at the moment in terms of them being crap and unsupportive so don't underestimate the impact of that too.

So, tell us about when you had your BC and was it like this then?

crispandcheesesanwichplease Tue 08-Nov-16 20:42:09

PS - you are definitely not dependent on your OH, he's dependent on you to be his partner, and do the lion's share of his kids' parenting so let's get that bit straight!

twoblueskies Thu 10-Nov-16 21:58:37

sorry for delay in replying , yes daisymoo he is often oblivious, but then he isnt around doing the daily grind.
crispsandwich , yes we have two children , when first was born he was working nearby and came home every night to give baths , story etc , this was the same when we were assessed ,my partner was working local. and my mum used to come and do school pick ups etc .unfortunately soon after our second child moved in his job suddenly ended and he had to take a job which involves a lot of travelling meaning he is only around really at weekends, and yes i am grieving the loss of my family , very much.
i have done the letting food go cold thing but when i told him that i was managing both children while he socialised he got it and does sit with me and children to help out , and he will take children out by himself for a day while i have time, so i cant say he is selfish , when i want him he does pull his weight , but we are struggling with me back at work , no family support and him working away. I work three days and home the other two with little one so most of the house stuff is down to me because im there and he isnt. ....... we managed to find two seconds to talk this week and both agreed its a shit situation , not of our making but we will make an effort to not be so snappy with each other.

i would also agree that a lot of our other support has fallen away as we have moved and our eldest changed school , so while i still have some contact with mum friends , i dont see them daily as i used too......
I hope it will change for us , but until then i will ride the storm....

thanks for reading and the replies .....it makes me feel less alone. also i have just met another adoptive mum and im going along tomorrow to a small group thats local so hoping that may help.

crispandcheesesanwichplease Thu 10-Nov-16 23:56:26

Dear twoblue, I am sending you the gift of time to yourself, a cybersleep suit that allows you to have the benefit of 10 hours sleep in 2 hours, and a wonderwoman barrel of patience.

Why doesn't MN have icons for these gifts because I think most mums would appreciate them?!

Take care of yourself. You are not alone.

twoblueskies Sat 19-Nov-16 15:20:37

thankyou sandwich , i know im being hard on myself , i love both my children and know i have a good partner ......... but adjusting to two children and being back at work is more hard than i imagined

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