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Stage 2 first session

(17 Posts)
drsholmes Sun 06-Nov-16 17:57:12

So SW is coming to our home soon for our first session which is about our relationship I think.
DH is dreading it. He didn't really take to her when we met her the first time and every time he thinks about the upcoming session he gets stressed.
Is this going to get any better for him? Any experiences with this please?

luckylucky24 Sun 06-Nov-16 19:17:28

I didn't get a good vibe when we first met our SW. Even worse when I spoke on the phone just before. After the first proper session I grew to like her and now we have a child placed I am really looking forward to their visits.

Friends of ours never warmed to their SW and it as led to problems. If he still doesn't like her after he has spent a good 5-6 hours with her then it may be worth asking to switch.

Italiangreyhound Sun 06-Nov-16 19:57:13

drsholmes I am sorry to hear this but also wonder why he does not like her. Can you tell us how much contact they have had already and what it is he does not like. If you are not comfortable divulging so much you could give reasons similar to what he said. If it is just a feeling, what is the feeling?

drsholmes Sun 06-Nov-16 22:59:21

I think part of the problem is he doesn't want to be assessed. He wants to adopt, but obviously skip the part where the total stranger shows up once a week for 3 hours asking a tonne of personal questions.

I know that I'm the driving force but did anyone's partner actually get excited about this stage?

CrazyCatLaydee123 Sun 06-Nov-16 23:35:25

Personally, I was initially quite anxious about stage 2, but actually weirdly enjoyed it. It was like free therapy and my life has made much more sense since!
The SW just needs to get a good idea of what sort of parents you'll be in order to match you with suitable children and give you the right guidance if needed.

Italiangreyhound Mon 07-Nov-16 19:31:59

drholmes to be honest maybe marathon runners just want to run the marathon. They Don't want to train for 6 months first. My friend was like that. He didn't't train first. If I remember rightly he was collected part way round by a vehicle that took him to the finishing line because he could not complete!

Italiangreyhound Mon 07-Nov-16 19:44:26

I really think your dh needs to reasses his attitude here drholnes. He can't adopt without being accessed.

Would he want others to be able to patent vulnerable children just on their say so.

The process is almost as much for you as for the child (IMHO) because it enables you to think about vital things like:
How you were parented
How you are with children, your own , other people's children etc
Your relationship and how you will handle having a new child or children in your home and lives

Towards the end of the process your home is accessed to see if it will be a safe place for children. Despite having a birth child who was safe and well, we (like all prospective adopters) had to be accessed for this.

We also learnt about our own support network, which is useful.

If this is the only reason your dh has issues with your social worker, I think he needs to access his attitude and get to work.

There are currently more people wishing to adopt than children to be adopted, so I am led to believe.

The one couple I know who faught the process a lot ended up going through adoption placement and it fell through.

The process is there for a reason, you will not beat it! But if you relax, and by you I mean your dh and take it on board you may find it is useful.

Good luck smile

Italiangreyhound Mon 07-Nov-16 19:48:19

Lastly if he does not wish to be accessed by a stranger, would he rather a family member or boss did it? I am guessing not. Rather than a stranger think a professional doing a job. Otherwise a visit to the doctor to get a procedure done would be 'I Don't want to undress in front of a stranger! Of course not! But in front of a professional who is there to help you! Yes. And no, you will not be required to undress in front of social worker! Phew!

bambino2014 Tue 08-Nov-16 21:21:31

It's invasive and unpleasant mostly. Social workers many sitting in judgement, eg obese social worker discussing weight issues. I would personally not request a new sw as this could be detrimental unless something has happened. I'm afraid the attitude is its your choice to adopt and this is part of the process.
Totally get where your husband is coming from. Grin and bear it and try to remain sane. It's worth it in the end

drsholmes Tue 08-Nov-16 23:02:01

Thanks bambino, glad we're not the only ones feeling like this smile

Italiangreyhound Wed 09-Nov-16 01:21:29

bambino2014 I totally agree that it is best not to ask to change your social worker (I'd say, unless you absolutely cannot work with them).

However, it is important to remember that even if you social worker is obese they are not asking to be parents to a child, they are assessing the prospective adopter.

I'm fat, my social worker was a bit fat too, she was embarrassed to be talking about weight, I could see it. I do not think she was sitting in judgment on me.

But I would agree again, grin and bear it, but also maybe try and see it as a useful part of the process.

drsholmes do you share your husband's uncomfortable feeling? Maybe you can leave the way in showing him it is not all bad?

bambino2014 Wed 09-Nov-16 06:44:17

Italian greyhound.... sorry I wrote my post in a hurry. The 'fat' thing was mainly saying I really struggled with our sw being quite judgemental and lacking empathy and understanding. In fact it was like one of them was daydreaming during some upsetting (discussing bereavements) conversations. I was fuming at having to discuss miscarriages etc in such an insensitive way. I could go on and on.
I would take a morning of annual leave they would turn up late and leave early. There were lots of things that p1ssed me and dh off. But we had to get through it to get approved.
We have our gorgeous lo now and I'm glad despite many low and frustrating moments during the assessment, we did it.
We could never put ourselves through it again though.

Italiangreyhound Mon 14-Nov-16 00:02:59

bambino2014 it sounds like you had a very unfortunate experience and the process was hard for you. I do think that how people handle it varies. i was lucky, all five social workers we dealt with (initial visit, three social workers and lo social worker) were all nice. Only one pissed me off slightly!

Glad you have your little one.

drholmes any more thoughts?

conserveisposhforjam Mon 14-Nov-16 16:31:48

It's perfectly possible to acknowledge that something needs to be done and is important without enjoying the process. When I go for a smear test I don't greet the unwrapping of the speculum with much joy. shock

And sws do a very difficult and sensitive job and not all of them are very good at it.

Feel free to come here for a moan op. smile

drsholmes Mon 14-Nov-16 20:44:48

Thanks all. Had the first session, it was all about relationship. Not too bad as it was like reminiscing with my hubby.
Even the difficult questions like how did you feel when all your sisters got pregnant in the time you were trying, were not too bad.
I've also had Stage 2 training day 1 and met some nice people going through the same thing as us which is nice smile

Italiangreyhound Mon 14-Nov-16 23:20:17

Fabulous, drholmes find the good bits and enjoy what you can.

OlennasWimple Tue 15-Nov-16 03:12:50

DH and I both found Stage 2 OK, but then we both quite like talking about ourselves blush

Some bits were intrusive and uncomfortable, but meh, compared to the physical intrusiveness of pregnancy (particularly assisted conception) really not that bad.

Glad the first session was OK, hope you and DH can get through it. We are still in touch with some of the people we met at our training group five years down the line - they can be an invaluable source of support, nurture those relationships!

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