Advanced search

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Meeting FC for the first time since placement

(11 Posts)
user1471555041 Fri 04-Nov-16 09:35:53

We have had our gorgeous lo 8 months home with us for 4 weeks. It has been suggested by SW that we meet with the FC in a neutral location as soon as possible. We feel this is too early and would prefer to wait until at least the new year once things are more settled. We're not sure what to do, do we agree or stand our ground. Any thoughts welcome. Thank you.

JustHappy3 Fri 04-Nov-16 11:10:14

I think the key is too early for whom? LO needs to know they weren't abandoned and fc's know where he is. You can take photos for life story work later and as they grow up they'll know they were well cared for in that time.
I had your fears and this is what dd's psychologist said and it did make a lot of sense. I was worried it would confuse. There may be tears and a little upset but thinking long term there should be a benefit.
In the end fc's cancelled on flimsy grounds and wouldn't rearrange. I watched dd always notice adults who looked like them and i realised she may have got some comfort from seeing them.
Thd only thing i'd suggest is they come to your house - so lo knows they know where they are.

user1471555041 Fri 04-Nov-16 14:01:20

Thank you JustHappy. I guess we're just worried were lo will reject us once she seen FC and think she's going home with them. It's out insecurities and we do understand that we need to do what's best for Lo.

luckylucky24 Fri 04-Nov-16 16:02:05

Lo has been with us for 5 weeks on monday and were supposed to meet with FC in our 2nd/3rd week but rearranged due to half term and then car trouble so are meeting them next week. I thought it was too soon as well but now I feel the longer we leave it the less likely she is to remember them. The visit is to benefit lo not the FC so I would do it soon.

Italiangreyhound Fri 04-Nov-16 16:07:01

Totally agree with Happy; I think 4 weeks is fine too. Our lo, aged three met Foster carer 4 weeks in in neutral location and it was fine. We still meet up every 6 months or so. It has never harmed ds attaching. He is 6 now.

Even if there are tears, it is OK.

Good luck.

user1471555041 Fri 04-Nov-16 18:36:55

Thank you all for your advice and sharing your experiences. We will contact our SW next week and ask them to arrange the meeting. smile

bambino2014 Fri 04-Nov-16 20:21:56

Totally recommend it. We did it 6 weeks after placement.....secretly I didn't want to as I was scared of the potential rejection. Fast forward 1 year and we see them every couple of months. They love love to bits. We are different people but I am hopefull those little gaps we might have in the future fc can fill. I want lo to know he was loved by them and they cared. Even now he remembers them and he's just turned 2.
Please don't try and erase them from lo's life unless there is genuine reasons. I know it is all a bit odd/emotional/new.
Do you have their contact details instead of going through sw all the time?

user1471555041 Fri 04-Nov-16 20:33:20

We get on really well with them and send them regular updates on how she's doing. We are more than happy to have them in our lives and even see them as grand parent figures. It's my own insecurities about the timing and worrying it will affect attachment but I know it's the right thing to do smile

bambino2014 Fri 04-Nov-16 20:49:58

Sorry just realised how bad my English was there..multi tasking!!!
It's all weird and I'm sure as adults we triple double read into it all. I'm glad we did it and kept it would have been easier to walk away and try to forget and focus on the future. Like the others have said can fc come to you?
Ps. Congratulations on your lo!!!!! flowers

user1471555041 Fri 04-Nov-16 21:10:43

Thank you bambino smile. Yes they can come to us so I will email them this weekend and suggest getting together. I think your right about overthinking definitely doing that at the moment with everything, must be the lack of sleep but so worth it smile

Stevemcqueenlikesbeans Sat 05-Nov-16 14:04:55

Our LO came to us age 9 months and we waited 6 months to see FC's, we probably would have been ready at 5 months in but due to holidays etc it was 6 months.

We didn't feel ready, and I'm not sure that LO would have coped sooner, that's just our personal experience. We felt it would have been unsettling and confusing rather than reassuring for LO. We also had FC's children to consider and mutually felt it would be better for them to see LO more settled when we met up.

I suffered PND and honestly think I couldn't have coped with a meet up any sooner, was very fearful that LO would reject me and want FC.

This may sound very selfish but ultimately it had to be the right time for all of us in order to benefit LO long term.

We met for a couple of hours at a quiet mid way point, had a walk and picnic. It went really well, since then we've met up two more times (in a year), we look forward to seeing them and FC children find it easier (less upsetting). I hope we'll continue to meet up 2-3 times a year.

We've taken some lovely photos for LO to treasure, and we hope that by having FC's in her life it will make talking about adoption easier.

Go with your gut feeling

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now