Birth Children and adoption

[user1476710856]

Hi, We are are in the initial application stage of adoption and have a birth child who is 7. I was wondering if anyone has any advice on when and how to tell your children. Or any books that we can read with her. Initially I was thinking of starting to introduce the idea at stage 2 of the process but after our meeting with the sw today I think she is going to want to start some home visits which include our daughter soon. Any help or advice would be really appreciated xx

[Clockworklemon]

I have yet to find a decent adoption book suitable for BC in this age range. We bought a few but none of them were great.
This was quite good but we glossed over from the "from China" part www.amazon.co.uk/Sister-Matthew-Story-About-Adoption/dp/0824955277?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

Nutmeg etc were too young for our BC. We tended to introduce the idea of adoption more through conversation or stories like Paddington.

What I would say is that your SW may have their way of doing things, timescales etc, but it's ok for you to go at your own pace with regards to your BC, you know them best.
We pushed back a couple of times regarding when/what to tell BC, bearing in mind how long we were going to be likely to be waiting until our imaginary AC actually came home, therefore conversations were fairly hypothetical and our SW was very happy to let us take the lead on when/how to talk to our BC, and we were always present during any conversations between BC and SW.

Good luck on your journey

[Cordedwool]

Ds still likes this aged 8: www.amazon.co.uk/Emmas-Yucky-Brother-Read-Books/dp/0064442586?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1907585001/ref=pd_sbs_14_t_0?ie=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=AAK3SQGKHWFTA7AM9JMF&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21 this explains the process well.

[luckylucky24]

We didn't find any books we didn't have to adapt but we did start talking to lo about a sibling quite early on. At first it was things like, "how would you feel about a little brother or sister?". Over time we then started discussing what adoption was and then how DS would feel if we adopted. He was only 3 (literally just turned the day after they did our first home visit) when we started the process and lo came home 2 weeks before his 4th birthday so we were able to discuss it from the start as we felt we had to build up his understanding of what was going to happen.

[user1476710856]

Thank you for your messages, I will have a look at the books you have recommended and yes your right clockworklemon I think I will try and slow it down a little from our BC's point of view as it is a very long process, we have been talking briefly about adoption in general as we have friends who have adopted and asking her if she would like a brother or sister to which she has replied no. All I have ever wanted is to have 2 children (being an only child myself), and after failed IVF treatment this is the path we have now decided to take. However I am quite apprehensive on how this will affect our BC. How were your experiences of adoption when you have a birth child?

[Cordedwool]

I waited, and introduced the idea after prep course, along the same lines as used in "When Daisy Met Tommy" www.amazon.co.uk/When-Daisy-Tommy-Jules-Belle/dp/1907585060?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

"Some parents can't look after their children, perhaps because they're ill, or not very good at being grown ups. Those children sometimes need new parents, and new bossy big siblings." Let that settle in, talk about it a bit. Wait for it, and "We have space for one of those children, shall we have one?"

Worked for us!

[meandyouplustwo]

Hi ,
our bc was 5 when we started the process . finding books was difficult as lots seemed to say "because mummy and daddy couldnt have a baby ! when we had our bc just seemed wrong .

we came across a book in the library "the odd egg" by emily gravett . its quite simple also "the cow that laid an egg" .
we talked with our 3 year old about adoption and it was a firm no from her , then at 5 she said would like a brother or sister, we told her that mummys body wouldnt make babies anymore and talked more about adoption.

I know there may be some who feel children shouldnt have a say about adoption as you wouldnt ask them if its ok to have another birth child , but as the adoption process is actively looking for a child for a long time and is very intrusive then we felt we had to listen to what she wanted as well for it to work .

from assessment to being matched was nearly 2 years with sw meeting our dd very early in the process and it was hard managing our dd expectations , particuarly when they kept turning up without her new sister , and yes we let her chose to have a sister .She also found it hard to keep answering the same questions and eventually refused to answer because she said " do i answer it wrong because they keep asking the same questions !" which was a very good point imho

now 2 years post adoption they are super close , there is a 6 year age gap which works really well as eldest is old enough to be involved with caring for her toddler sister , in fact youngest will ask for sister to change nappy , apply cream etc , and when i asked eldest if that was ok she said "it is an honour ! " :)

Usual worries with me when going from 1:2 , would i love the same , yes i do ! would i miss alone time with eldest , yes , but we make it happen. its been amazing and all the stress of the process has been filed away and we fell absolutely amazing to have two absolutely gorgous children who get on so well x

[user1476710856]

Hi meandyouplustwo I have only just seen your message so sorry for the delayed response. Thank you for posting this, it's lovely to hear some positiveness about adopting with a birth child and that they get on so well. I really hope for this with us. I will have a look at the books you recommended.

[Chuffy1]

Hi LuckyLucky24
It's great to have your BC was not yet 4 when you adopted.
I have a 4 year old and the council I have spoken to say that they won't let me even start the registration process until my child is settled into primary school at least 6 months in, so that's another 16 months off. I would rather adopt sooner (or at least start the process sooner) so that the gap between the children is that bit closer. Could you tell me whether you faced the same challenge, and how you overcame it? Or what agency or council you found didn't make you wait til your BC was older? I am in London if that makes a difference. Thanks a lot

[Italiangreyhound]

Our dd was 7 when we started the process.

She turned 8 quite soon afterwards and we told her when she was 8.

We used Nutmeg gets adopted and she quite liked that.

I ever found a thread on it www.mumsnet.com/Talk/adoptions/2182660-Nutmeg-gets-adopted