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AD1, 17, has got engaged

(17 Posts)
UnderTheNameOfSanders Sat 24-Sep-16 11:17:31

She's a young 17, not a nearly 18.
She has known the boy for less than a year.
They are both still at college.
Neither of them have great thinking skills.
He is not capable of catching a train by himself.
She's never done any paid work.
But she knows it's the right thing for her to do. hmm

She's so young and fragile, and desperate for someone to claim as hers.

I feel we've failed her. sad

VioletBam Sat 24-Sep-16 11:47:04

I got engaged aged 17. It lasted a year...then I dumped him because I had better things to do. My Mum never said a word about my "engagement" and I had a ring...the lot....my Mum ignored it totally and sure enough, it was over before it really began.x

Jimbob1 Sat 24-Sep-16 12:21:14

I too got engaged at 17. Then we split at 18.

Don't worry, she cannot actually marry him until 18 without your permission so just let it run its course.

Ratley Sat 24-Sep-16 12:28:37

I got engaged at 17, married at 18 and 2 children and 15 years later am still very happily married.
I also went to university whilst married, so it didn't mean I was throwing my life away.
That said DH is 9 years older than me so that may have made a difference.
You haven't failed her.

Kr1stina Sat 24-Sep-16 12:30:31

You've NOT failed her . This about that primal loss that happened long before she was yours . It's not your fault .

Nothing to do but smile and nod, you know that, right ? There's a very high chance it won't last.

But it's ok to be devastated , I would be too .

On a practical note - does she have a very reliable method of contraception, like the implant ?

Kr1stina Sat 24-Sep-16 12:32:06

Ratley - how old were you when you were adopted ? Do you think it had any bearing on your getting married so young ?

MotherDuckSaid Sat 24-Sep-16 12:33:46

Hang on in there, let her no she's loved x
It will never last!

bostonkremekrazy Sat 24-Sep-16 16:37:43

my dh got engaged to me at 17 - he was a long term fc.
Our families i'm sure were worried as he was immature and had never left home, never had a job. We met at college where we were living away having training for 6 weeks.

We have been very happy for 16 years now. 4 kids later smile

It may or may not last - your response is what she will remember, be kind and gentle - to her and yourself....be a listening ear - she still needs her mum/dad.

matimeo Sat 24-Sep-16 19:26:32

I don't think this is an adoption thing. I know many people (me included) who did this. Luckily most woke up before it got too far (kid/wedding), and in fact one couple went through with it and worked out great.

Great advice about the importance of contraception. I'd try to: be positive and respectful of her feelings, emphasise how loved she is no matter what, and gently encourage her to wait.

Thefishewife Sat 24-Sep-16 21:40:38

This is not an adoption thing this is a stupid teenage thing

I thought Was engaged at 15 lol it lasted 6 months
He shagged my best mate

Italiangreyhound Sun 25-Sep-16 00:22:59

Sanders I am so sorry this has happened but nothing has been set in stone yet and it is not at all about you failing her.

My sister got engaged at 19, she's not adopted, she just felt it was the thing to do. They did not marry, she did not even marry the next one to come along!

This may all pass. Just be your loving, brilliant self. Do whatever feels right, loving her, listening to her, smiling, nodding, waving etc.

IMHO do not facilitate the marriage by paying for lots of things or encouraging things, just let her tell you all she wants and make sure she feels as happy as she can in her lovely life, so she will decide to wait until she knows him more, or wait for someone else.

Just do not let this get in the way of you loving her, that's what you do well. XXXX thanks

Italiangreyhound Sun 25-Sep-16 00:24:17

(by lovely life I mean a life where she is in a family who love her.)

UnderTheNameOfSanders Mon 26-Sep-16 13:46:36

Thank you all, it's helpful to hear outside views.

I think this is a teenage thing coupled with adoption. We are ignoring issue at the moment, smile and nod. My attention needs to be elsewhere (eg AD2 settling to secondary), not on yet another AD1 self created issue.

tldr Mon 26-Sep-16 14:06:13

I did it too. First love and all that. (Didn't marry him though.)

flowers

Cherylene Mon 26-Sep-16 14:12:42

Friend's DS did this. She thought that the gf was a bit too clingy and thought it was because he was going away to uni. She was accused of not taking them seriously by her son a year later and had to try and look like she thought it would work. It did.

My DS (same age as df's son) did this on his 18th. Again, pushed into it by gf. He ended up failing his uni exams, and she dumped him. He was far too young and immature, and I think she had hoped he would grow up with her. sad.

Cherylene Mon 26-Sep-16 14:16:45

Probably better to think of it as a 'going steady' phase, rather than a more immediate prelude to marriage.

CrazyCatLaydee123 Mon 26-Sep-16 17:56:43

Another one here who got engaged at 17! Not adopted but had woefully low self-esteem. He cheated on me with my best mate! 15 years later he is still going out with 17yr old girls. Dodged a bullet there!

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