There are often threads that come up where we have strong opinions due to our own experiences. Sometimes, living adoption day in day out, I don't see the issues till they are in my rear view mirror then kick myself for not putting 2+2 together.
So, in my beautiful shining time machine (and not to beat ourselves up but to offer warning signs to others behind us at the various stages) - what would you wish you'd known if you could go back in time?
For me it would be 2 things: firstly, not to feel so beholden to "The Routine". Yes, it's important to have continuity but my LO wasn't comforted by the smell of the same brand washing powder we lovingly sought or the exact breakfast cereal he ate in foster care that we offered him. For some reason, he was more fixated on the total strangers, different house and loss of the only mother he ever knew! Trying to comfort a child who you don't know and who doesn't know you, when you are part of his problem is tough. I look back now at my impatience (kept inside but even so) that he would push-pull me and feel frustrated at never being able to please him and feel so sad for him. sw's talk about grief but not what that might look like and how angry it can seem when you are on the end of it.
My second would be not to be thrown when foster carer or social workers didn't recognise things he would do and didn't appear concerned. I would tentatively ask if he always howled on not receiving food literally as soon as he woke up and they would smile and say what a great appetite he had and wasn't he bonny, and what a fab eater he was etc. And I just assumed that I was somehow over reacting and perhaps his sobbing uncontrollably when breakfast finished was just his age/me being a bit inexperienced. We literally couldn't eat anything in his presence without him trying to wrestle it out of our mouths and if we tried to go out to eat, we needed to keep a steady stream of food coming to keep him calm. He once ate a lemon because there was literally nothing else on the table for him to grab. I wish I had known that it didn't matter if he didn't do something before, he was doing it now! And the fact it was new behaviours made it doubly concerning! I think sw' s sometimes don't see the issues as of warning flags so don't connect the dots. Certainly my LA were so fixed on how well everything was going (and in lots of ways, it was going well) but it meant that they just didn't identify issues on my behalf.
Does anyone else have anything they would like to tell their past selves via my beautiful time machine...
Please or to access all these features
Please
or
to access all these features
Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.
Adoption
going back in time
12 replies
TearingDownTheWall · 19/09/2016 13:45
OP posts:
Please create an account
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.