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Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Adoption

Thinking of reducing contact

15 replies

OurMiracle1106 · 25/08/2016 20:21

I have noticed during the last couple of letters it has become more about the questions my child's parents have in regards to myself than it does what my child would want to know.

My son is 6 and they are asking where I'm working. If I'm still working for the same employer and at the same location.

This concerns me as it feels they are now using letterbox to find where abouts in the country I am and where I am likely to be.

I feel it's irrelevant if I still work at the same place or not. I'm working and progressing well and that's what matters
If they had asked my role I would have taken less notice.

I've also noted there is very little information about my child.

I'm now wondering if my early willingness to share has resulted in contact no longer being focused on what's best for my son and as a result I'm considering reducing it to once per year until he is old enough to decide. However I don't want to close doors that I will struggle opening again later

OP posts:

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greenandblackssurvivalkit · 25/08/2016 22:18

Just because they ask, doesn't mean you have to answer. I wouldn't reduce the frequency, but write what you want to share, and use it to ask what you want to know about your son.

You're right, it's none of their business where you work now.

GirlsWhoWearGlasses · 26/08/2016 06:29

I wouldn't reduce contact. Once it goes down it's unlikely to go back up. Just answer the questions you want to and ignore those you don't.

Do you think it's possible that they are struggling for things to ask? I agree with you btw, could you mention the content to your letterbox co-ordinator and ask if future letters could stick to questions relevant to your son?

campervancharlie · 26/08/2016 09:20

I would name it, otherwise it becomes a game that you have entered in to. Gently remind them that the purpose of contact is for them to know that he is still well and that you are happy to answer those questions about him. There is no reason for you to be giving any details about yourself.

Rainatnight · 27/08/2016 09:19

I can really see why you'd be really frustrated by that.

My only thought is that, when he's older and begins to find out more, your son will know that you've reduced contact but not the reasons why. So he may think that you weren't 'bothered' for example while you know that you've got your reasons.

So it might be best to keep up the frequency but do as others suggested and only share what you're happy to share.

RatherBeIndoors · 27/08/2016 14:02

I think PPs talk good sense, about being honest, but not letting it reduce the opportunities you have to stay in touch.

I just wondered whether maybe the adopters are not that experienced at writing letters and are scratching about for something to ask? They may not have meant to bombard you with questions, or to pry, but perhaps wanted to make part of the letter about DS, and part about you. I seem to recall in the 5 minutes of "training" we had about letterbox, we were encouraged to ask questions because it would help keep a dialogue going and give each side something to respond to each time. They might have thought that asking about work was a safe, non-sensitive subject, even if it didn't come across that way?

None of us write personal letters nearly as often as we all used to, thanks to email and text, so I know I've certainly lost the knack of it a bit.

Hels20 · 27/08/2016 17:18

I agree with what everyone has said. Please Miracle - keep writing and just don't answer their questions.

Kr1stina · 29/08/2016 22:43

What Hels said.

You might want to answer the question they should have asked or just say what you want . So if they asked if you still work for Boots in Gloucester and you want to talk about your role

" I'm still working as a supervisor for Boots and I have responsibility for staff rota and stock control , which I enjoy because I'm good at number and spreadsheets . In a few months I'm hoping to get promoted to senior supervisor "

Or maybe that sounds too much like a CV but you get what I mean

And you could ask specific questions about DS - what he enjoys at school / nursery eg I was wondering if he enjoys art because I was very good at drawing when I was at school . I liked to do paintings of animals . Could you please send me one of his paintings ?

You could ask about his favourite Tv programmes or books, or computer games ( if he's old enough to play them ) . Does he like animals / have pets ?

What are his favourite foods ?

I'm sorry my it's hard to know what to suggest when I don't know ho old he is and what you want to know. I guess I mean just ask specific questions, rather than asking how he is and see if you get more information that way .

OurMiracle1106 · 04/09/2016 19:06

I have a meeting with social worker to discuss and have just ignored questions which are irrelevant.

I've asked loads of questions about little man. Lots about school cos they mentioned he's struggling a little but has lots of nice friends

I'm hoping to highlight the issues and go from there.

I've decided to keep contact as is but maybe to get someone else to read it first so I don't over share

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Kr1stina · 04/09/2016 20:23

That sounds like a good plan . You are always very balanced and thoughtful in your approach to issues, Miracle

Italiangreyhound · 04/09/2016 23:03

Great idea, Miracle keep the contact, do not decrease. Answer the questions in the way you want to.

I think there has to be some give and take in that you want them to answer honestly but they may avoid some questions, so you can do the same.

As an adopter this is exactly what I do when people ask questions, I answer what is appropriate, I know lots about ds's birth family but would never divulge it. People ask but I side step the question or simply say I can't tell you about that. I'd advise side stepping, and of course keeping a note of all your letters sent so you can see what you said before. Sometimes I might just look back and see how things were said before and just keep a consistency.

All the best.

OurMiracle1106 · 08/09/2016 10:01

So the day of the meeting with social worker has arrived.

I am going to raise the issues I feel are necessary in regards to the last letter. Including something that could be Mis interpreted later on in life and hope it then stops.

I've asked loads of questions so hopefully next letter should leave me feeling more positive

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OurMiracle1106 · 08/09/2016 11:10

Soooo
The 10am meeting didn't happen. Social worker was in another meeting and not available until 2 meaning my contact will be late. And I haven't Been able to discuss my issues

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Rainatnight · 08/09/2016 12:21

Oh what a shame. Will you definitely get to see him/her later today?

OurMiracle1106 · 08/09/2016 15:47

I am still waiting for an email. It was only to discuss contact and pass on my letter.

I feel like I wanna scream. It's yet again them being disorganised causing yet more stress

OP posts:

Rainatnight · 09/09/2016 21:53

That's really stressful. I'm sorry you're having to go through this.

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