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University panic

(10 Posts)
Mama1980 Fri 19-Aug-16 08:27:01

Hi all, haven't been around much recently but could use others Opinions on this please.
My dd1 got her a level results back yesterday, she got all A's and has been given unconditional offers at UCL, Durham, Oxford and York.
Until yesterday she had her heart set on York, but she panicked, like I haven't seen her do for years. She's so scared, there will be a huge number of boys/men she doesn't know, and while she is working and very independent she still checks in with me, to know where I am, likes to let me know what time she will be home etc.
She doesn't want to leave her brothers and sister, family is so important to her, we has talked about all this before and she wanted to go, to try at least but now..... She said she fears slipping back, fears being afraid again. She did pick herself up yesterday and forced herself to go out last night celebrating and had a good time. I am so so bloody proud of her. She has courage I can't ever hope to possess.
But what should I say, do I push her very gently, do I say better to stay at home? What do others think would be best for her because I just don't know.
If she went to UCL she could attend from home, but she was so set on York....... Sorry this is so disjointed, I'm thinking out loud. She has to make a decision today really and it will be hers but she will ask my opinion and we will discuss it.
I'm scared for her she's fought so hard to be happy and I just want her to be whatever she decides.
Thanks for listening to me waffle!

TearingDownTheWall Fri 19-Aug-16 10:00:24

Wow, firstly congratulations on her amazing results. She should be very proud of herself.

Does she have any option to delay the decision to give her time to absorb the news and process her thoughts?
It sounds like when she assessed her decision originally, she hadn't factored in how big the impact of leaving home would be on her till it became a reality. I think it's absolutely fine to reassess uni choice with the knowledge that she has additional anxieties that she will need to manage - she shouldn't feel she has to stick with her first decision.

She sounds hugely mature in acknowledging her anxieties and her emotional health should be as important a consideration as the course and other factors.

Could you sit down together and work out what support and strategies she would need for the different choices. She can then assess whether those supports will be enough or if she feels it would compromise the other reasons for going. In the same way if she was going to uni with a medical condition, she might not decide on an initial first choice if the medical support wouldn't deliver for her condition.

jellyfishschool Fri 19-Aug-16 10:22:53

I went through this (a long time ago!) and I would encourage her to stick with her first choice. She will find a lot of people who feel exactly the same way, it is hard but it is very worth it.

I would probably visit a few times before term starts, and I would also find out as much as possible about student life at the uni. If you went to a similar uni yourself probably not that much has changed. If not, you could post in chat under another name asking for people who went there to tell you about their first year, good bars, good societies, how halls of residence are set out etc. What is good for someone who is a bit shy (or however you would describe her)

I remember in freshers week walking to a talk for freshers and finding myself walking into a gym full of thousands of students and nearly passing out with terror! I think if she is prepared for what is going to happen it will make things easier.

I hope she has a wonderful time wherever she goes.

tldr Fri 19-Aug-16 12:05:08

Would assurances of many weekend trips home/skypes/facetimes/texts help?

Of the unis you mention York is probably the most nurturing - it's quite village-like and small so I think would be great for someone who is anxious or insecure.

None of which escapes the fact it would mean leaving home.

And massive congratulations to her on getting the results and you fir getting her through it! flowers

greenandblackssurvivalkit Fri 19-Aug-16 20:00:11

York is small, and I know two shy young women who thrived. It's also really not far from London by train, it's a good line, people do commute it. Durham it's also nurturing due to a collegiate system.

I had a huge wobble after getting my results, 100 years ago. It was a one bite at a time elephant. (Not unlike adoption.)

Anything worth doing tends to have vomiting with fear just prior, for me, though.

Ucl is good. It's fine. But actually may bigger and more spread out, and the exact opposite of what she needs. Well done her on the results!

Mama1980 Mon 22-Aug-16 08:43:14

Thanks, everyone and sorry for the late reply my weekend went a little crazy.
Dd decided to accept York and is feeling better about it in general but still scared. She spoke to the uni who has been very understanding and there may well be a option for her not to have be there in person 100% of the time of she's struggling. I've given a million lectures on how leaving uni if necessary wouldn't be failure, her health and. Happiness is all that matters to me, I'm proud whatever etc.....she started to eye roll at me which is always a good sign!
She is going to call her ex therapist and talk about strategies as well, it's the unknown men that are providing the panic point if you like and her course has few women on. She is determined though to give it a go, as I said she doesn't want to be afraid.
I hate this I really do, she deserves everything to be easier than this.

TearingDownTheWall Mon 22-Aug-16 09:00:59

She has courage in spades, you must be so proud!

Crasterwaves Mon 22-Aug-16 20:48:01

Hi mama, hugely well done to her.

I don't know York but would recommend making contact at the start of the year with any pastoral tutor she is assigned and also perhaps looking at uni counselling service so she knows where face to face help is available day to day if you don't think that's too general to be of use to her? Might be useful to have a friendly place to go.

Italiangreyhound Tue 23-Aug-16 03:14:21

Mama your dd sounds amazing, and I am sure you played some great parts in that.


anxious123 Tue 23-Aug-16 20:35:44

York is a lovely uni, one of my friends sisters who is adopted went there with a whole host of anxieties, shes going into 3rd year now and absoultely loving it. Shes home for the summer at the moment and the change is lovely to see.

Huge congratulations on her results!

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