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Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Our friends are adopting, whst would help?

(9 Posts)
Junosmum Mon 01-Aug-16 21:23:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UnderTheNameOfSanders Mon 01-Aug-16 21:28:26

Send a congratulations card.

Give a gift for the children to the new parents, unwrapped, when children are not present, that the parents can deal with as they feel best.

Tell them how well they are doing with parenting when you see them with the children. Keep saying it on a regular basis.

Let them do the parenting. Don't do any 'caring' for the children when you visit unless asked to.

Kr1stina Mon 01-Aug-16 22:42:04

Take round some easy meals for the freezer that they can just heat up eg casseroles, curries , bolognaise sauce, soup . They will be too exhausted to cook for the first few weeks .

Don't expect to be told private information about the children just because you are a social worker .

Don't assume that knowing some facts about adoption gives you any insight into what it's like to live with two traumatised children 24/7. Even if you have worked in adoption services , seeing kids once a week for an hour ( while their carer looks aftre them and makes you cups of tea ) isn't the same as caring for them for 168 hours a week .

Sorry to be so blunt but You did ask . And I'd rather tell you now so you can get offended at me than you friends have to bite their tongues and you lose the friendship .

Offer wine, coffee, cake and a listening ear . Don't judge.

RatherBeIndoors Mon 01-Aug-16 23:06:43

Stay in touch without asking anything of them (one friend sent me almost daily "hang in there" emails that were brief and chatty, and didn't expect replies); be patient and accept that it could be many months or years before they can be the kind of energetic mutual friend they were pre-placement. I found some unexpected people were utterly amazing - and some previously good friends couldn't adjust to the massive change that meant I wasn't there for them to lean on any more. Totally their prerogative, but not a brilliant way to experience it...

Junosmum Tue 02-Aug-16 15:58:21

Thanks, that's helpful.

kr1stina they were actually asking me if there's anything they can do to get information on the kids- unusually the local authority have refused to disclose information on the children. When their social worker pushed he was provided with a few notes which were heavily redacted and could only make educated guesses on the situation. But I'd never expect to be given the information.

UnderTheNameOfSanders Tue 02-Aug-16 16:08:04

I wouldn't adopt a child I didn't have (a reasonable amount of) information on.
How can you parent a child when you don't know what they have been through?
I can't see any good reason for SWs to withhold information. They may not know everything, but surely they should share what they know (and what they surmise).

If they really don't have any/much info on the children's background, I would seriously consider advising them not to proceed ...

Junosmum Tue 02-Aug-16 16:20:58

My friends were very unsure about it too and from my professional experience it sounds very unusual. I can make a guess based on what their social worker has told them but I wouldn't want to speculate. All I can do is support them as a friend.

Kr1stina Tue 02-Aug-16 16:25:49

I agree with sanders, it's very concerning . There's only bad reasons why they might be withholding information.

Do they have an experinced support worker ? Maybe they need to get the senior involved .

Kr1stina Tue 02-Aug-16 16:29:31

Another concern is that it's an indication of poor practice. If they've not done this part right, who knows what else theyve not done properly eg investigate the options for placing the children within the extended family .

All they need is for long lost auntie to pop up a year down the line and ask for the children .

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