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Would any agency touch this?

(13 Posts)
furchesterfurbear Thu 21-Jul-16 13:51:40

I suffered awful mental illness in pregnancy which I got treatment for but DD was put on a child protection plan due to the severity of my illness for a brief time (less than 6 months beginning during the pregnancy so was off before 4 months old) DP and I seperated and have been in a relationship together but living apart for 3 years now

DP has bipolar and the stress of us TTC again triggered a depressive episode for him (he was ironically scared of me getting so ill again) which put a strain on our relationship and we split again right at the point we were about to move back in together (so that hasn't happened)

I was devastated and grieving I suppose for the baby I don't feel like I will have - DP stopped seeing DD for a time stating his illness as the reason and I asked for a referral to children's services on the basis I didn't feel I was coping advised by the HV to see if we could access treatment for me sooner as MH services have basically left me on a long list since the birth of DD which was refused. We decided to go ahead with a TAC (team around a child) and I'm now getting support via a charity.

As part of the TAC we have asked for help protecting DD from the effects of my susceptibility to depression/anxiety and DPs bipolar. The TAC should close next meeting

I feel like there's no hope where adoption is concerned, prior to DD we had always assumed DPs bipolar would mean we couldn't but would have liked to.

Am I right that there's no hope?

Despite the shit - were proactive in seeking help, always engage with services and have a lot of experience of our own to offer (Iv been in care myself, we're very knowledgable of MH issues)

We know quite a lot of people who have adopted (parents of DD's friends) who are always keen to encourage our interest but I haven't disclosed more than my depression/anxiety and DPs bipolar with them

Now is obviously not quite the right time though I wish I could adopt tomorrow. We need time for our relationship to heal again - I understand that.

I'm wondering if any agency would touch us with a bargepole at some point in future though?

Nuggy2013 Thu 21-Jul-16 14:04:21

If you want my honest opinion and in my experience, probably not. Mental health leading to safeguarding concerns would be a big no no but all agencies are different so please do some research to satisfy yourselves as well, don't just depend on my opinion.

furchesterfurbear Thu 21-Jul-16 14:10:14

Iv spoken to a few agencies and the answer I get seems to be that every case is assessed individually. But we're not at the point we could start the process in the first place t

furchesterfurbear Thu 21-Jul-16 14:10:49

Pressed too soon

Was just going to add to start the process to find out for sure...

MyDogEatsBalloons Thu 21-Jul-16 14:20:21

I'm afraid I agree with Nuggy - I'd be very surprised if anyone felt confident enough in your relationship to take you through assessment, given that it doesn't seem that your relationship works well under stress - and that's before all the other issues. Mental health problems alone aren't necessarily a deterrant, but you really would have to demonstrate an ability to cope with pressure together.
Also, you don't say old your child is now; but there needs to be at least a couple of years age difference (will vary from agency to agency) before you would be considered.

furchesterfurbear Thu 21-Jul-16 14:33:34

No it probably doesn't work well under stress anymore. The pregnancy was horrific and we haven't really recovered fully since as a couple. I'm very proud that we got through and feel like loads of people wouldn't have survived the hand we were dealt. I suppose life chucks you a hand and you have to make the best of what you're dealt. Perhaps we should just be grateful we have DD

MypocketsarelikeNarnia Thu 21-Jul-16 20:32:25

Do you need to talk to an agency? If your dp stopped seeing your dd for a while perhaps you might see that he, at least, is not a person who should adopt? The consequences of rejection like that for an adopted child would be devastating. Would a yes from an agency actually make this decision any easier for you?

Sorry this is the situation op - it sounds terribly tough flowers

Mama1980 Thu 21-Jul-16 20:40:42

I'm sorry but I don't think they would no. Mental health issues aren't necessarily a issue but a CPP plan and your dh disappearing and leaving your child like that yes, I dont think any agency would proceed.
Just taking one issue him leaving again would be absolutely catastrophic for an adopted child, the risk would be too great.
I'm sorry.

furchesterfurbear Thu 21-Jul-16 22:41:59

There were other factors and a sudden bereavement involved - he believed he was doing the best thing for DD by not having contact and concentrating on getting treatment but I agree it would be devastating to an adoptive child and he can't garantuee his illness won't ever make him think removing himself for treatment is best (and if he ever has another manic episode then it would be best anyhow)

I guess I just have to close the door on that dream. I hoped maybe one day a few years in the future it would be possible

Kr1stina Fri 22-Jul-16 00:03:35

Even if an agency woudl consider you, I don't think it would be a good idea for you and for your DD. She already had so much loss in her young life - her mum being so ill, moving house, her dad abandoning her , seeing her dad erratically , the CP issues.

She needs all the care and attention that you can give her, not having to compete with a younger child who may have some form of special needs. Even if they don't, they will almost certainly be much more demanding than a child you give birth to .

You might also get post adoption depression. As you probably know , it's not the same as post partum psychosis ( which I guess you had ) but it's still a horrible illness .

I fear that the adoption process woudl be hugely stressful for you. It would bring up all these difficult issues and things that have happened you you. Even for couples in good health and with a strong relationship, it can be very tough. Lots of marriages split up because of the stress.

Adopting is a tough thing to do when you are feeling in a good place in your life . If you are not, it coudo push you over the edge and trigger health problems again. I think you have enough on your plate TBH

furchesterfurbear Fri 22-Jul-16 01:12:06

Sorry but you've assumed an awful lot Kr1stina my DD has never moved house, never been "abandoned" by her father - she didn't see him for a time due to illness and now he's feeling better she does again - that's how she understands it, and wouldn't remember me being unwell as it was prior to her birth I was so ill hence the CP plan being removed so quickly afterwards. There are no CP issues - for a very brief period of time there was concern there "could be" prior to DDs birth if I had remained unwell. There have been zero safeguarding concerns since - just myself trying to access support when I knew I needed it as crisis had struck and I felt it was too much without a specific therapy to navigate

I didn't have post partum psychosis either. I had an awful severe depression during pregnancy which lifted with the birth of DD. I have struggled with depression throughout my life and continue to suffer with it and probably always will but nothing like how severe it was in my pregnancy

I'm not naive as to how much attention an adoptive child would need. Iv been through the care system myself. Neither am I naive about how stressful the process would be, I'm not really sure how you could possibly trigger more health issues than we've already survived through "stress"

If there was a cats chance in hell I could adopt at some point several years in the future - I'd want to. It appears pointless exploring that (which is what I assumed)

Italiangreyhound Fri 22-Jul-16 01:45:08

furchesterfurbear what you choose to pursue in the future is up to you and whether you would have any chance, I don't know.

I think there are some 'issues' that would give serious concerns about how you and your dp cope under stressful situations. It's not clear from your post how long you and your dp were living apart, and how old your child is now. These might all be factors.

The thing about being in a partnership where you don't live together is that it could add some additional issues (IMHO) and you and your dp moving back in together, I think (again IMHO) you would need to be together and stable for quite a while. By stable I mean living together.

I think right now you need to focus on everyone's mental health and getting into whatever family configuration (I mean living together or not as you choose) and put adoption thoughts on the back burner for now.

Can I tell you my story as it may be of interest? We have a birth dd, now 11, and when she was quite young we had a lot of fertility treatment, over about six years, which cost a fortune (with donor eggs etc). I was very, very determined to have another child. However, once we had closed the door on fertility treatment and started looking into adoption I did come to terms with being mum to just one. I had to decide that if it really was not in our family's best interests to have another child via adoption that if adoption would put too much of a strain on family, we would just stay as a three.

Finally making this decision (DH would have been OK with one or two kids) I found this very liberating. We did go on to adopt, and we also found out our rather 'difficult' dd had autistic tendencies (after we adopted).

Luckily, for all of us, our son (who came to us aged three) is relatively together and parenting him is not as much of a challenge as parenting our birth dd in some ways. But he still has needs that we could not have necessarily anticipated and family life can be much harder than it was when we were a family of three!

Had our son been very difficult things may not have gone so well.

I do feel coming to terms with the prospect of being a family of three really helped me in the process of adoption, because I had felt very angry and 'desperate' before that.

We had a lot of counselling in the fertility process and, actually, I had counselling on the NHS for related issues when dd was about three.

Anyway, just wanted to share that with you and wish you well in whatever happens for you in the future.

Kr1stina Fri 22-Jul-16 07:00:49

I'm sorry if you feel I've misinterpreted your posts.

if you feel that it's right for you to adopt, then of course you can always approach any agency, now or in the future , and ask then if they will accept you . As you know, they will assess every applicant on an individual basis .

I wish you and your family well

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