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So annoyed with myself, I should have said something but I didnt

(16 Posts)
MintyLizzy9 Fri 08-Jul-16 11:02:40

I've been in admin overdrive this week now that we have the adoption Cert I've been sorting passport, doctors, bank etc.

I've just been to open DS a bank account and after the initial small talk of oh how long has he been with you when she saw it was an adoption Cert she casually asked oh was he an unwanted child then (as in unwanted by birth parents) I just sat there like a fucking idiot and said there are lots of reasons why a child is adopted.

Now I am knackered this week and as such know I have a short fuse for bullshit but how fucking offensive was she and how fucking stupid was I not to give her my best steely look and tell her that was totally inappropriate. Grrrrr

I need a cutting one liner that I can have memorised for further situations of which I am sure there will be more, give me your best ones!

My normal line is sorry but that's personal and I can't discuss it. Now normally that's a response to a well meaning question but I need something firmer for the total pisstakers whom I never have to see again

Thankfully DS wasnt with me.

OP’s posts: |
RosieandJim89 Fri 08-Jul-16 12:12:11

How bloody rude! I don't have any good lines for you but I would have probably given her a dirty look ignored her question.

RatherBeIndoors Fri 08-Jul-16 12:13:24

I think gaping at the idiot was the correct response! What fecking loons people are, do they not think at all? No need to answer that! In similar circs, I have used "I'm sorry, I don't think I can have heard you correctly..." and waited for them to squirm and change the subject.

Slightly more kindly but just as firmly (giving them a hand back out of the hole) I've said "If what you mean is, did she join our family through adoption, then yes she did". That was in response to someone asking if DD was "one you'd taken in" like taking in a bloody parcel or something.
The best response to "Do you know her...<hushed tones>...history?" I've found so far is a cheery smile and a "Yes." No-one has been rude enough to push further yet

MintyLizzy9 Fri 08-Jul-16 13:12:13

Oh my god HOW do people think some of these things are remotely appropriate, or any of their bloody business come to that!

I'm saving the joy of the post office passport check n send until next week, if I go today and get another numpty you may see me on the evening news!

I'm in two minds about writing to their head office about it, I may be feeling a bit calmer now but the disgust is still live and well.

I can't seem to help myself at the minute I feel like I'm going all feral when it comes to DS, no one is safe....its this bloody health kick, it's clearly not agreeing with me so I'm getting some wine in for tonight grin

OP’s posts: |
RatherBeIndoors Fri 08-Jul-16 13:20:23

I didn't use check and send (and it was fine) - I figured the PO person would quite likely not understand about the adoption cert, and I'd have to educate explain to them in front of a queue of people, so I'd be paying them but I would be the one actually doing the checking! I just filled it in, added the photos and got someone to countersign it, and sent it off with the fee. You may want to try that for the sake of your blood pressure grin

MintyLizzy9 Fri 08-Jul-16 13:32:23

I think you might be right rather !!

OP’s posts: |
MypocketsarelikeNarnia Fri 08-Jul-16 13:49:07

At my post office they have a little private room you can go into to do the check and send if you ask.

Kr1stina Fri 08-Jul-16 15:14:48

Complain .

If you can be bothered, you could write to the curstomer services department of the bank , ask them to close the account and tell them why .

And close all the accounts you have with that bank. It's very easy to transfer a current account now .

I had an adoption related problem when I tried to open a savings account for ( toddler ) Dd at the Nation wide BS . They told me that they didn't accept adoption certificates to open an account, only birth certificates, marriage certificates or deed polls . Oh and they wanted a utility bill in DDs name hmm . Yup, that's her name , not my name .

So I closed the savings accounts we had for the other kids , moved to the York shire BS and wroteto the nationwide telling them why .

I know they are not going to worry about the few hundred pounds they have lost. But that's 14 years ago and I'm still telling people what crap service I had from them.

Did I mention it was the Nationwide BS?

MintyLizzy9 Fri 08-Jul-16 16:36:51

It was nationwide I was at! Still hiring knobs 14 years on!!!

I'm going to open another account elsewhere next week and tell them to naff off.

I've had the fresh hell of getting passport pictures done for a 2 year old this afternoon so my admin is over, next stop off licence wine

OP’s posts: |
UnderTheNameOfSanders Fri 08-Jul-16 21:31:00

I think people are unthinking and uneducated.

I think your answer was fine.

I tend to say 'most adopted children come through the care system as their parents can't look after them properly'. Which is pretty similar to your response.

No point getting upset if you can manage not to, educate them instead. (and then come and swear here).

NattyTile Fri 08-Jul-16 21:42:27

When I get asked that, my response is "No, we wanted her very much, and have the paperwork to prove it." Add in the "you blithering fool" blistering look and hopefully they get the message.

Some people are incredibly insensitive. It gets easier - you get to recognise the questions coming and shut them down before they start. Most of the time, anyway.

gabsdot Fri 08-Jul-16 22:36:15

I posted here a few months ago about an experience I had when opening credit union accounts

Do complain. That was an extreemely rude and nosy question to be asked. What was she thinking FFS. I'm so glad your child wasn't there to hear it.
We are our children's advocates and until they are old enough we have to stick up for them and educate others about adoption.

MintyLizzy9 Fri 08-Jul-16 23:27:07

I posted on your post gab, everything seems to take so much longer when the word adoption is mentioned, I can just about cope with, when it's not personal and someone wants to check processes yes it's very annoying but if they haven't been informed/trained I can sort of understand a teeny tiny bit and manage to mainly not let rip grin

I will (and do....a lot blush) happily talk adoption to anyone who has questions or misconceptions about adoption (obviously in general not about DS), the shitty nosey/cruel comments are a different matter. Not sure what training an employer can provide for rudeness but I am living in hope!

I stupidly thought I was getting the hang of all this and have doled out many a paddington stare and a I'm sorry but that's private, she clearly caught me off guard today.

Natty I am going to channel you next time, that was the perfect response!

I'm going to write to them detailing exactly why I'm closing the account, then hopefully the next adopted person she meets she will think before engaging her mouth.

OP’s posts: |
TisIthecat Sun 14-Aug-16 09:50:12

It doesn't go away either. I've just applied for a student grant and needed to send a full birth certificate. I don't have one. I never have. I have a short one. I ended up sending my short birth certificate and my adoption certificate which contains the same information as a long birth certificate and having to write an explanation as to why I could send the information requested.
I'm still not sure what my Dad's job in 1974 (which is the only additional information) has to do with my student grant application now that I'm 42.

Italiangreyhound Sun 14-Aug-16 12:13:07

I've been lucky and had few unpleasant comments.

Personally, I would not complain at the time or later, but next time (if there is a next time) I'd just do what you did.... There are lots of reasons children come into the care system. Very rarely (if ever) is it because they are 'not wanted' but it is considered inappropriate to ask about it. It is the child's personal story. By the time she has listened to all that she will be unlikely to ask the question again!

It is also good to remember people probably do not intend to be rude. Maybe it's a (common) misconception babies were adopted because they were unwanted. She might have been geaaring up to tell you how great you were for offering him a home! I get this occasionally, ds is lucky etc, I just sat we are the lucky ones.

weefreeladies Sun 14-Aug-16 18:56:57

I think just gaping will have been clear enough!

I wouldn't do check and send, waste of money. If you can navigate adoption paperwork, passport forms are self explanatory, and it'll avoid potential encounter with a idiot.

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