Support and gifts for those starting adoption process

[supportmyfriend]

Hi there,

NC for this post.

My best friend and her husband have recently started the adoption process. I have been asked to be a reference and I am so happy that they have asked me to do this.

I want to know from those who have been there, what support I can offer them apart from listening ear/cake etc which I am obviously doing. Is there anything else I can do? Also, its my best friend's birthday soon so I thought of buying her something to do with forthcoming potential adoption, but unsure what (if anything) would be appropriate/appreciated?

Thanks in advance.

[Italiangreyhound]

Just keep on being a good friend.

Let her know you are there if she needs you but remember some of the things she will find out, in time, will be confidential and she won't be able to share all.

If you choose to get a special gift make sure it is not to do with babies or children, not yet, I'd go for a nice bracelet or scarf, perhaps a vase etc (in her favourite colour) or something she can keep.

[JustHappy3]

Listening and saying "shit that must be hard". And not saying "it'll all be fine in the end" We have one set of friends that did that, just one.
If you took the time to read an adoption book ir just some of the free pamphlets then they'll be blown away. If you know about attachment so they don't have to wearily explain it. Don't worry about jewellry - just read a book. It'll be far more precious.

[Kr1stina]

What just happy said .

[RosieandJim89]

I wouldn't buy them anything for a long while just keep being supportive. It is a long journey.

[UnderTheNameOfSanders]

Agree, nothing child related yet (if they had told you they were ttc you wouldn't at it the same sort of thing).

Do a bit of reading up on what not to say to them:

• why do they need to ask you all those questions, they don't ask people before they have babies
• you won't want an older child / disabled child etc
• any news yet (every time you speak to them)
• I'm sure you'll be at the top of the waiting list soon
• can you change their name
• it can't be right to make you write letters to the real parents
• will they call you Mum
• can you send them back
• you won't tell then they're adopted will you

(you get the gist)

[mrsm291]

All of our friends have been so supportive with us, but the ones who really stood out were the ones who did their own research, and asked questions on ways they could help (eg. how they should explain things to their children; what they will need to do when we have children placed with us).
But above all, share the highs and lows with them. Be excited when they are, and be there when things are difficult for them. By posting this and taking the time to find out what you can do, I can see you're already doing all that. Good on you. xx

[supportmyfriend]

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for all the advice, I really appreciate you all taking the time to write back to me.

Thank you again.

[Chocogoingcuckoo]

All of the above is great advice. In the past four years through ivf and adoption process there has been numerous pregnancy announcements and births. Maybe be aware, at such at happy time, can cause sadness for your friend with their own situation, plan a day out for her somewhere unlikely to be overrun with children.
I'm not too sure how to word this but I would have liked my pregnant friends to be as interested and excited in my journey to motherhood as we all had in their pregnancies.
Your a good friend for even thinking outside the box for offering support.

[winewhine]

Gifts of alcohol and chocolates, would be my suggestion.

[Alljamissweet]

No gifts yet part from cake and wine. Just listen and don't say "but all kids do that".......