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SGO - going on to adopt?

(28 Posts)
LoolooandMoo Thu 09-Jun-16 22:04:35

Hi there, this is my first post so not sure how this works yet so please bear with me!

My 20 month old niece has been with me and my partner since Dec 2014. Brief background of birth parents: drugs (heroin etc), alcohol, domestic violence, birth father numerous prison sentences (currently serving now).

We really want to adopt this little girl who we now see as our own, I can't describe how much I love her (sorry in tears now) and we truly believe she is in the best place now. We were told there would be no chance of her BPs 'getting her back' but there's always that worry in the back of my mind, especially when receiving threatening letters from BF in prison.

I guess my main question here is has anyone gone onto adopt a child they have an SGO for? I've contacted the LA adoption team, the first time I just got sent a booklet on general adoption, and now waiting to hear after making another enquiry.

Thanks for reading.

NavyAndWhite Fri 10-Jun-16 13:38:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kr1stina Fri 10-Jun-16 19:26:44

SGO's are favoured for people looking after family full time as adoption can confuse the child

Really ? I've not seen this research, could you post a link to it please?

Looloo - you might find some useful information here

And welcome to Mumsnet smile

NavyAndWhite Fri 10-Jun-16 19:36:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kr1stina Fri 10-Jun-16 19:48:00

Could you post a link to the research please, as I'd like to read it ?

If you read the OP you will see that Looloo is the child's aunt and not her grandmother .

So if she adopted, she would go from being her bio aunt and her legal aunt to being her bio aunt and her legal mother . Her adoptive grandmothers woudl be the mothers of her adoptive parents. Just like anyone else - your grandmothers are your parents mothers .


NavyAndWhite Fri 10-Jun-16 19:55:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kr1stina Fri 10-Jun-16 20:29:22

So can I just check, your comment about children finding it confusing was what someone told you that a SW told them about the child in your own family ?

And not actually a fact about all children in kinship care in all circumstances or about the Ops family in particular ?

Because you stated it so dogmatically I assumed it was based on research.

I'm also confused about why you are asking about the Op being a grandmother ?

BTW links are converted automatically on MN. You just cut and paste them into your post .

NavyAndWhite Fri 10-Jun-16 20:32:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NavyAndWhite Fri 10-Jun-16 20:34:50

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Kr1stina Fri 10-Jun-16 23:33:41

I see, when you said

" Say their grandmother adopts them is she then mum?"

I thought you were asking a question, not giving an example . So I tried to answer your question .

I find your tone dogmatic and your generalising from your own family to every family unhelpful as well as potentially upsetting to the OP. Because I don't know her or her child , I don't know what's in her child's best interests so I can't tell her if adoption woudl be best for them. .

However I guess we have different opinions .

op I wish you and your family well and I hope you find the information you are looking for .

LoolooandMoo Sat 11-Jun-16 02:07:42

Thank you for the replies.

Initially birth mum was supposed to be maintaining contact (child was with a foster carer from leaving hospital at 11 days old to being 12 weeks old whilst our assessment took place). But as soon as she came to us BM stopped turning up to contact and has made no effort to re-establish it despite encouragement from myself, our mum and social services. The difficult thing is she truly believes she and her partner were capable of looking after baby, and in my honest opinion I don't think the little girl would be alive today if she was with them, their lifestyle is extremely bad. I have seen her perhaps 3 times since Dec 2014 and despite her saying she wants a relationship with the little girl, she makes no effort make one and to be honest I don't believe a relationship would be beneficial. She has two elder sons she had before starting taking heroin, they are 19 & 17 and she has made no effort to see them in about 12 years. Her and her partner accept no responsibility for their own actions and do not understand why little girl was taken off them, which is what concerns me the most, the fact they don't see how damaging their lifestyle would be. Unfortunately they put their own wishes and needs before the little girl and are only concerned at how this has affected them.

Adoption was mentioned in the beginning but as my sister was supposed to be maintaining contact we all agreed an SGO was the best way to go.

I'll admit at the time of my first post I was very upset as we'd received a letter with a lot of abuse from the BF in prison. But we have been thinking of adoption for a while. Whilst social services were involved they actually mentioned adoption again about a year ago and we said we would like to but everytime I spoke to them afterwards they were always "getting the information" we needed, and now they say it's nothing to do with them because as far as they are concerned it's case closed.

I think I've worried about my sisters feelings for too long now and I have to do what I feel is best for this little girl in my heart.

Thanks again.

NavyAndWhite Sat 11-Jun-16 08:47:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

leaveamessageatthetone Sun 12-Jun-16 01:47:27

You were fine, Navy - I was actually going to say a similar thing. I'm under the impression that SGOs are favoured in circumstances where BPs are (or could feasibly be) in contact with the child's current guardians and/or are in close proximity either due to to geographical location or family ties, such as the situation you describe Looloo. That said, I do know of an adoption situation where AM and BM are known to one another and are part of the same community group, so it does happen. Sorry, probably not being much help but just conveying what I thought they were saying at prep groups when discussing SGOs and adoption etc. Navy's advice is good - I hope you find some answers. Wishing you all the best.

NavyAndWhite Sun 12-Jun-16 07:22:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kr1stina Sun 12-Jun-16 16:23:15

Hi leave a message at the tone and welcome to Mumsnet .

NavyAndWhite Sun 12-Jun-16 16:24:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsJen3 Sun 12-Jun-16 19:22:15

Navy, I totally agree with what you are saying as this too has been my experience both personally & professionally.
Currently I'm a kinship carer for my grandson (hoping to apply for SGO eventually) & each professional I have had contact with has told me SGO is the preferred method of permanence when a child is placed with a family member. There are exceptions to this of course but I have been led to understand it's preferred, as you said, to prevent confusion around relationships for the child.
Also, through my job I am involved with parents who have had their children removed & the children placed with family members are almost always done so under an SGO these days.

NavyAndWhite Sun 12-Jun-16 19:52:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kr1stina Sun 12-Jun-16 20:36:01

Hi mrs Jen, how are you and how is your GS?

I was thinking about you and wondering if you had any more news about his developmental issues and the possible diagnosis of FAS? Have the social woker and paediatrician given you more information / support ?

MrsJen3 Sun 12-Jun-16 22:38:39

I'm good thank you Kr1stina, though a little fraught and exhausted as our GS continues to run riot through our home and our lives! He is gorgeous but my goodness he's like a little whirlwind with a furious temper at times.
We're still trying to find help/support/advice on FAS (I've been doing lots of reading) and on managing his tantrums/self harming behaviour but the social worker is useless and we don't see the paediatrician until October.
I'm driving myself mad at the moment trying to remember if the paediatrician said he definitely has FAS or if he said he definitely has FAS features so I can't wait til October for some clarification.
The geneticist confirmed he has features of FAS and said his behaviour was of concern but said wait and see and come back next year - so very non committal.
We have had a referral to Portage so I am hoping for some useful strategies from them and an appoinment with speech therapist is coming up soon.

MrsDeVere Mon 13-Jun-16 21:47:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kr1stina Tue 14-Jun-16 09:38:52

All over the world and for generations, children have been brought up within the extended family because their biological parents were unable to care for them, for a whole variety of reasons .

Most of these children seem to grow up just fine and are not any more confused than other kids.

And all ( amazingly ) without the benefit of social workers telling the family what to do and how to do it . Because, surprisingly enough, most families are quite sensible and capable and want to do the best for their own.

Neither are they stupid - very few grans in their 60s are going around pretending that they just gave birth . Everyone i know in these families is quite clear about what happened and why.

BTW I'm not saying that legal orders are not necessary to protect the child - of course they are in most cases. But the best order will depend on the individual circumstances and the best interests of the child, not on some blanket policy .

NavyAndWhite Tue 14-Jun-16 09:49:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tippy6312 Tue 14-Jun-16 11:03:53

Hi OP.
We adopted our son the initial plan was SGO (already in our family) but we opted for, and adoption was agreed. This was a pretty smooth process in terms of the plan changing, and all involved favoured adoption as the best route.
It will depend on family circumstance, as in, does little one still have contact with birth parents? Ours didn't and hadn't for many years, so that was a good deciding factor. He knows of the 'family linkages' , but we are Mum and Dad, so in that sense it is quite a 'traditional' sort of adoption.
From our families point of view, it has provided our son with more security and a permanent family base that we personally feel SGO just may not have.

mamnana Tue 21-Feb-17 00:59:46

hello,, I was hoping I could get some advice, I have SGO on both of my granddaughters I have had them both since birth, social services brought them to me from the hospital, they are now 8 and 9 , and the loves of my life, they have regular contact with mum ( who is my daughter ), it rarely goes well but I feel they need to maintain the routine of contact, . both girls were on the CPR,( they are no longer on register as I have had SGO since 2008 ,) due to their older brother being sexually abused , I cant go into any more as it totally kills me 9 years later ,, anyway, my daughter has agreed that I can adopt the girls as I am the only stability they have ever known, it was the girls who raised the question, and I would be honoured to adopt them, what I need to know is how I would go about this as I have mums consent,, don't need the fathers as he is a danger to the girls and has never had , or being allowed contact.

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